Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being called self centred because I'm not going to the wedding

209 replies

Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 14:44

A friend is getting married very soon, quite a short notice wedding, my baby will be 8 months. The venue is 2 hours away. They've put on the invitations no children at all. Fine, their choice.

We RSVPd to let them know that one of us would come but due to it being no children, we couldn't both come. They proceeded to call us self centred, entitled(?), bad friends. They feel we should get childcare and attend the wedding 2 hours away.
I've explained I am simply not comfortable leaving an 8 month old while I am so far away, and if they would desperately like both of us to attend then they will have to accommodate babies at the wedding, however we understand their choice and therefore only one of us will be going as it is no children. Wished them a nice day and so on.

Since then we have been receiving regular messages asking if we have changed our position and letting us know we are really letting them down.

....surely, SURELY WANBU?

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/04/2024 18:19

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 02/04/2024 18:16

I would send a really lovely "regrets" card and write something along the lines of given the strength feeling displayed in their repeated texts in response to only one of you being able to make it you have both decided to decline but you hope they have a lovely day

I don't think arse crawling is necessary. Op has already given her very valid reason why they won't be attending.

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 02/04/2024 18:16

I would send a really lovely "regrets" card and write something along the lines of given the strength feeling displayed in their repeated texts in response to only one of you being able to make it you have both decided to decline but you hope they have a lovely day

Barquentine · 02/04/2024 18:16

Ignore the constant text messages.
They have kids and as such this seems like a really odd request.
Perhaps as others have said they are trying to reduce numbers but still invite everyone. So if you don’t go it’s not their fault.

Its up to you whether you attend a party or not and they are making that impossible for you. I really wouldn’t worry about it anymore. It’s their choice to exclude people.

LookItsMeAgain · 02/04/2024 18:14

Are these people close to you? Are they good friends or more like work acquaintances?
If it's the latter and you don't mind burning a bridge or two, you could reply with "Oh my - I didn't realise that it was a summons we received, I thought it was an invitation. Some day in the future when you go through these responses you've received to come to your wedding, you'll look back and think 'What was I thinking' and 'OMG - wasn't I a right bride/groom-zilla'. For the time being, we will politely decline the summons, sorry, invite, to attend your wedding and wish you all the best for the future." (or something to that effect).

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 02/04/2024 18:13

PeacefulSJ · 02/04/2024 18:05

Let's hope they never have children

They have children.

ItIsntReallyLikeThat · 02/04/2024 18:12

I would tell them to go and run up a shutter.

Barquentine · 02/04/2024 18:11

PeacefulSJ · 02/04/2024 18:05

Let's hope they never have children

They already have 3 children. The youngest was recently one. 🤣🤣🤣

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 02/04/2024 18:10

EmmaEmerald · 02/04/2024 16:18

I would bet money that they are saying this to anyone who doesn’t attend their wedding for any reason.

And they will have done that thing where they have blocked booked a hotel and they need X amount of guests to book accommodation in order to fund their wedding.

Obviously just ignore them.

Ah yes bet that's it

NotMyDayJob · 02/04/2024 18:07

Allfur · 02/04/2024 17:06

Because it happened at my wedding and I was too busy enjoying the day to care

Show quote history

I am going to say on behalf of everyone else that is highly unusual. If you weren't bothered, why weren't the children invited in the first place (unless there is a back story about the more the merrier which is not the case with most weddings)

PeacefulSJ · 02/04/2024 18:05

Let's hope they never have children

ShoveItUpYourArseMargaret · 02/04/2024 18:04

How rude and hypocritical of them, I expect neither of you will he going now.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 02/04/2024 18:04

I have an 8 mth old who hardly eats solids and is breastfed. Absolutely no way I could leave her.

Bjorkdidit · 02/04/2024 18:00

BirthdayRainbow · 02/04/2024 16:53

Will you give a gift whether one or neither of you go? That could be their real concern..

Well that's another tick in the 'self centred bridezilla' box if their motivation for inviting people was to maximise their present pile.

Whatever happened to people just wanting to celebrate with their nearest and dearest.

The OP doesn't want to leave her baby and also eludes to the cost of attendance being a struggle. Being guilted into attending when she doesn't really want to and being expected to bring a likely lavish gift really is the icing on the cake.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/04/2024 17:58

They've got the audacity to call you entitled after the way they've spat their dummies out and stamped their feet. News flash for them their Wedding can't be the most important thing in everyone's lives.

Nicelynicelyjohnson · 02/04/2024 17:36

Allfur · 02/04/2024 16:30

Why not get childcare and go, you will probably have a lovely time, or just take the baby, they're hardly going to chuck you out

Do you usually enjoy days out with people who called you selfish, entitled and a bad friend?

MartinsSpareCalculator · 02/04/2024 17:35

I'd let them know neither of you are going now and that you feel let down by their shitty attitudes.

I like a childfree wedding personally, but if you're going to have one then surely to fuck you're also accepting that it might be an obstacle to some people coming, and they'll therefore decline the invite?

Similarly with a wedding away from where people live.

MCOut · 02/04/2024 17:32

OP, they know that you are not being unreasonable. I’m assuming that they know at least one of you is easy to guilt trip.

Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 17:29

If there’s no history then YANBU but it sounds like there’s a back story. Have you invited their kids to your events? Most mums know it’s a really personal decision about when to leave their baby.

They didn't have children when we got married, but we did have children all day at our wedding, left it to parents to decide what to do about bringing or not bringing. Some left them with relatives, some brought them, I really didn't mind. We haven't hosted any other events other than small birthday parties, which children have also come to, our invitations are always to the whole family and if they don't want to bring kids that's fine.
There is no backstory to this as far as I am aware.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 17:27

I usually like weddings and have been to some wonderful ones in the past couple of years, however have been to a recent handful where there has been a lot of pressure on guests. Most have been absolutely fine with a baby in attendance. But there have been some really lavish honeymoon money requests (a small photo album of a Caribbean cruise and then at the end "we'd love some money towards!") which I personally find cheeky, and it puts us under pressure as honestly I wouldn't give them much towards so prefer a small wedding gift. Then a lot of pressure to stay overnight at about £200 a room, strange expectations for the day...there have been some beautiful, fun weddings, but some stressful ones.

OP posts:
thebearx · 02/04/2024 17:25

If there’s no history then YANBU but it sounds like there’s a back story. Have you invited their kids to your events? Most mums know it’s a really personal decision about when to leave their baby.

Nanny0gg · 02/04/2024 17:23

Why haven't you declined for both of you?

I would

Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 17:21

In your case, it's bizarre that your friends are acting like this when they have DC (I presume their kids are a lot older so they have forgotten what it's like to be dealing with a baby?)

Their youngest had their first birthday the other day so it shouldn't be too distant a memory for them, but they left their baby regularly from 3 months, which is absolutely fine for them but obviously expect everyone to feel the same way they do and personally I would not make this choice.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 02/04/2024 17:21

ZekeZeke · 02/04/2024 14:46

After that carry on I would reply neither of us will be attending.

This. They are being previous and entitled. You explained why. Their choice not to have DC or babies at their wedding. Your choice not to attend. They can't dictate that you attend.

Mayhemmumma · 02/04/2024 17:17

We wouldn't have had child care either at 8months and I wouldn't have wanted to go.

It's an invite not a summons.

Allfur · 02/04/2024 17:16

I love a wedding, I'm always amazed how many pps on mumsnet seem to hate them