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Original poster

Being called self centred because I'm not going to the wedding

209 replies

Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 14:44

A friend is getting married very soon, quite a short notice wedding, my baby will be 8 months. The venue is 2 hours away. They've put on the invitations no children at all. Fine, their choice.

We RSVPd to let them know that one of us would come but due to it being no children, we couldn't both come. They proceeded to call us self centred, entitled(?), bad friends. They feel we should get childcare and attend the wedding 2 hours away.
I've explained I am simply not comfortable leaving an 8 month old while I am so far away, and if they would desperately like both of us to attend then they will have to accommodate babies at the wedding, however we understand their choice and therefore only one of us will be going as it is no children. Wished them a nice day and so on.

Since then we have been receiving regular messages asking if we have changed our position and letting us know we are really letting them down.

....surely, SURELY WANBU?

OP posts:
AmIEnough · 03/04/2024 17:48

I hope you have now decided not to go at all! I agree, it’s their prerogative to choose not to have children at their wedding, but equally it’s your prerogative not to leave your eight month old baby, I certainly wouldn’t have done that at that age! Stick to your guns, you are not being unreasonable

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 03/04/2024 17:43

Tell then you think they are self centred, entitled and bad friends for their demands too…. At least you have tried to work around their position, which it is a shame they won’t also reconsider.

Why are people such dicks?

Nicebloomers · 03/04/2024 13:11

It’s an invitation not a summons!

NotMyDayJob · 03/04/2024 10:47

There's two things here. Not be able to go to a wedding you want to go to and not being able to go to a wedding you want to go to because you don't have child care.

I've missed two weddings. First one DD2 was very small and although it was only an hour away, it would have been too much travel to go there and back in a day so we took the judgement that I wouldn't go and we asked if DH could take DD1 (6) instead, which was absolutely fine (we already knew other children were going). But the Bride and Groom also didn't say, please bring NotMy and baby so we sort of respeted the fact it was an invite for two. I was very sad not to go but we couldn't leave DD2 for that long at about 5 weeks old.

Second wedding DD2 was 18 months, but the wedding was 6 hours away and we didn't have anyone we could leave both DDs with over night (i'm not going into the whys and the wherefores and if I'd wanted to I would have tried etc etc, it was too far even if we could find anyone for them to stay with). Children were invited to this wedding too! But there was no where to stay near the venue and we just decided on balance it was too far with all the associated travel.

I would have loved to have gone to both weddings, but I couldn't.

Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 03/04/2024 08:58

Also, one thing I've found at all the children free weddings I've attended where the couple have had their own children but no others. Their own kids get BORED and end up causing a bit of a riot, depending on age. A recent one had a 3 and 5 year old tantrumming through overwhelm and boredom. They could have done with some friends to play with.

The children in this case are 5, 3, and 1. Unless they've got grandparents on duty for the day I imagine the same thing will happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 03/04/2024 08:54

The PP that asked about my use of the phrase nail in the coffin, there isn't any real history, the groom is just being so dramatic with the regular texting that DH feels not going could potentially end a long term friendship and that may be something they both live to regret. If he's being this dramatic now, imagine if DH didn't go, is DHs perspective.
Personally I'd have told him to fuck himself by now but that's DHs call. I'm more than happy to stay at home while he attends. I'll get a takeaway and call in a spa day later!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 03/04/2024 08:52

It would permanently affect my opinion of them as friends because of their complete disregard that other people have different circumstances.

It definitely has! I've lost all respect for them over this.

OP posts:
Princessfluffy · 03/04/2024 07:56

They called YOU self centred, entitled and bad friends?

BogRollBOGOF · 03/04/2024 07:00

I couldn't leave my babies (bottle refusers, CMPA) for more than a couple of hours until 10m or for prolonged periods until 12m. Depriving them of their main food source, and going through engorgement and risking mastitis would not be worthwhile for a vanity wedding.
Childcare was thin on the ground anyway and in 13 years of parenting, I've had 3 hours of family childcare, most of which was for a funeral in my home town. At 8m, you're not covering childcare by getting in the neighbour's teenager for a few quid.

When you have a no children rule, it will logistically rule out some parents which can be awkward anyway. To harrass the parents about not being avaliable to come as a couple is incredibly rude.

It would permanently affect my opinion of them as friends because of their complete disregard that other people have different circumstances.

AppleTree16 · 03/04/2024 06:22

Psychologymam · 03/04/2024 00:31

To be fair lots of people won’t want to leave an 8 month old. They are very small, if breastfeeding it’s very tricky to leave and lots of people don’t have caregivers they can rely on.

Show quote history

I was going to say the same thing. We were in a similar scenario we our BF 8 month old, who’s sleep was horrendous. No way would I have been able to leave her with anyone for an extended stretch overnight. Even now at 20 months we still haven’t been able to do a proper evening as she wakes up and screams for me.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 03/04/2024 06:14

Yanbu.
We had a very small wedding and a little reception. We didn't invite children but I was 24 when I got married so none of our friends circle had kids.
If you do child free weddings and your circle has kids, you know you're taking a risk that some may not be able to come.
And you absolutely don't be graceless about not being able to go - the Irish tradition anyway is that if you can't make it, you visit after and bring a gift but I definitely wouldn't even be doing that if they're being cheeky about it.

UncleHerbie · 03/04/2024 04:39

Noseybookworm · 02/04/2024 22:28

I don't think I'd be worried about being 2 hours away if my baby was with their grandparents but if you're not comfortable with it, that's up to you.

To be honest, if my 'friends' called me self-centered and entitled I think I'd tell them to stick their wedding up their arse! 😂

Same, with knobs, bells and whistles on! 😂

NewName24 · 03/04/2024 00:37

Totally agree @Psychologymam

It's odd to think you can't go anywhere without your spouse.
Both dh and I have been to weddings without the other over the years.

Psychologymam · 03/04/2024 00:34

RosesAndHellebores · 02/04/2024 19:24

They have been exceedingly rude. However the invitation was to you and your dp. I think you both go or neither of you go. You should have declined and and left it at that.

Why though? My husband has gone to a wedding where I didn’t as I was breastfeeding. I couldn’t go although I would have loved to but I was delighted he could as were the bride and groom? Similarly, I’ve gone to two weddings where he couldn’t get time off work… why would I miss out?!

Psychologymam · 03/04/2024 00:31

MurderousCheekbones · 02/04/2024 16:01

I mean, I don't really get not leaving an 8 month old to be honest (unless there's no grandparents around of course), but I'm not you, and that's the decision you've made. They should respect that with grace.

To be fair lots of people won’t want to leave an 8 month old. They are very small, if breastfeeding it’s very tricky to leave and lots of people don’t have caregivers they can rely on.

6pence · 03/04/2024 00:29

it sounds like you won’t be bothered about losing the friendship but dh will. Continue to support him going if he wishes, but I don’t blame you for refusing to go at all now.

Zyq · 03/04/2024 00:11

If they pester again, I would suggest saying that, since they apparently believe you are self-centred, entitled and bad friends you have assumed that they no long want either of you to go and have made arrangements accordingly.

NewName24 · 02/04/2024 23:38

I'm coming from the stance of the fact I would be quite happy to have left my dc at 8 months and gone to the wedding, if it was a wedding I wanted to go to.

Equally, I'm a fan of child free weddings, and think it is totally reasonable to make that decision.

However YWNBU at all with your response.
Your 'friends' have been very, very unreasonable in their response. Clearly, if you make it difficult for some people to attend - be that restrictions on who can come or the venue or whatever - then some people won't be able to come.

They AB very U with their response and would receive a polite message from me to say that their response had made me reassess our friendship and that now neither of us would be attending.

Gymnopedie · 02/04/2024 23:07

he is reasonably close with the groom so he doesn't want to nail in the coffin their friendship over this..

Well I think he should. He may have felt torn at the beginning but their behaviour and name calling since needs to be addressed. If he goes and not you that will a) allow them to believe that you're the awkward one and b) think their behaviour is perfectly acceptable.

PS What do you mean by nail in the coffin? That's a phrase normally used when there have been several incidents and the latest was the last straw (to mix my metaphors).

Noseybookworm · 02/04/2024 22:28

I don't think I'd be worried about being 2 hours away if my baby was with their grandparents but if you're not comfortable with it, that's up to you.

To be honest, if my 'friends' called me self-centered and entitled I think I'd tell them to stick their wedding up their arse! 😂

Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 22:18

Thank you all so much for your replies. This has really been bothering me and in truth it's been a bit upsetting, as we explained it in the nicest way possible to them. The name calling and harassment has come as a shock.

I've said to DH he can still go if he wants, it is an awkward one as although I'm friends with the bride we aren't close, he is reasonably close with the groom so he doesn't want to nail in the coffin their friendship over this...but I think they're being ridiculous. The whole wedding itself is last minute, we got save the dates not long ago when it was booked so we aren't filler guests.

I presume their own children will be at the wedding but just no others.

Even if they change their stance for any reason, I still won't be going after this.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 02/04/2024 22:17

In that case I think that pp are spot on in thinking that they want the rooms filled.

If you must choose a destination venue then there will be people who just can't afford yo go.

I have never been able to understand why anyone puts the venue before people. I would far rather have my loved ones around me than get married in a castle with only a handful of guests.

The last wedding I attended was held in the home town of the couple. We travelled because we don't live there, but we wanted to attend and accepted that it wouldn't be cheap.

Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 22:10

is this wedding two hours away because they liked the venue or because they live in the area? If it means that most people have to travel for two hours and stay in an expensive hotel I can see why they might have had a lot of people decline.

They just like the venue. Most guests are travelling 2 - 4 hours to be there.

Why didn't you just decline in the first place or accept for one of you?

We did. We accepted for DH and declined for me.

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 02/04/2024 22:05

Neither of you go now and rethink the friendship. What a horrible bride. Yanbu

pizzaHeart · 02/04/2024 22:03

Northerngirl345 · 02/04/2024 21:55

YANBU….but….

If a really close friend of mine wasn’t willing to try and get childcare to come to my wedding…I’d probably be a bit cheesed off. I do have kids and I still hate leaving them to go far away (and one’s about to start his GCSEs) but I would do it for a very dear friend, knowing that babies can be very well looked after without their mums for 24 hours.

By whom?
I haven’t got any volunteers personally.