Firstly sorry for long post - I don't want to drip feed. It's very early days, I'm 4+4 into a pregnancy. I found out last week and am so grateful to be pregnant with my second. Have a DC who is 4.5 and has been desperate for a sibling, so really hoping it sticks.
Assuming all is well and it does stick, would it be unreasonable to keep this a secret until around 15 weeks of pregnancy? There's no particular reason for 15 weeks, other than it seems the maximum amount of time that I can reasonably hide it for before very obviously showing.
I'm quite a private person and very close to both sides of the family. However I have this very strong feeling to instinctively want to keep this quiet for as long as possible and I'm not sure why. I guess there are multiple factors but I'm not sure if this is reasonable or going to upset people:
- I want our DC to be the first person to find out outside of myself and DH. He's been desperate for a sibling for months (he has asked most days for a brother / sister). I've had family members ask me if I'm planning to have another child in front of him/ how that's going, which I've found quite stressful whilst trying to conceive privately and not wanting to share this. I've also not wanted to get DC's hopes up, who has been desperate for a sibling, and found it a little tactless being asked in front of him (aside from also intrusive). So I'm not sure I can totally trust them to keep this secret from DC, until I know it's totally safe.
- My mum has quite bad Alzheimer's, her behaviour has been increasingly paranoid and volatile towards me (I know it's not personal), but I know her reaction just won't be the reaction my mum historically gave 5 years ago when I was pregnant, before this diagnosis, and I'm dreading that.
- My in laws are really lovely people and we are close, but they can be a little interfering at times- and it seems to really come out during pregnancy / newborn months. MIL is the sort of person to need to be the first person to find out about something. She's asked me several times when we'll have a DC2 which I've found quite difficult to answer when I just wanted to sort of deal with it privately. She was quite entitled with how much she wanted to see DS when he was born, with not much thought for other family members who had yet to meet him. She's very well meaning but she's the sort of person to send me several articles each week about pregnancy, give lots of advice when it's not necessarily needed, and prides herself with being an expert on pregnancy / children, but actually a lot of the advice she gives is pretty basic. For example, if I share a photo of DC in the summer (wearing a summer hat etc.), the response has been "is he wearing sun tan lotion??". It's well meaning but I can be quite condescending and hard to be patient with. I think she sometimes forgets that she's a grandmother and puts herself in a HV / midwife role, who is watching you constantly. Historically I've always been quite understanding and put it down to a bit of anxiety / insecurity on her part and a need to be needed, but I just don't really want to deal with all of the unwanted advice during this special time.
I'm really enjoying the calm. It's taken a lot to get to this point, and I just want to limit the noise for as long as possible. And I really want myself and DH to be the ones to let our DC know - I don't want that to be taken away from me. I don't want him to know until I'm sure it's safe.
And honestly it's just lovely being able to enjoy being pregnant without the noise, questions and opinions, however well intended. But equally I don't want to hurt close family members - so would love to hear thoughts on if I'm being unreasonable.