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Original poster

Am I being selfish or stupid?

60 replies

reynold · 01/04/2024 22:48

Am I being pathetic? So I am 31 weeks pregnant ( very high risk pregnancy) currently being in and out of hospital and soon to be getting a c-section date in place , my partners friend has asked if he's still going to his wedding which is day before my daughter birthday April 20th. I told my partner I feel very uncomfortable with him going as for 1 I struggle to walk from having SPD and Sciatica. My dog to put me in bed rest due to my breathlessness and dizziness, this meaning while he's at the wedding and after do I'll be left to sort all my daughters bday presents and decorations etc most likely taking her out the next day as he will be probably hung over due to him not being a drinker at all. I asked why he can't just go to the wedding and come home as if anything was to happen he won't know or would be drunk if needed to come to the hospital etc. he said I'm being weird about it and it just seems like I don't want him to go? I'm just petrified this is my third baby and I've had nothing but problems the whole time, am I being pathetic or unreasonable? I don't want him to know say he's not going because of me or make it into a controlling way which I'm not trying to come across as?

OP posts:
Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:39

@PaperDoIIs so my daughters bday is the Sunday we was going to do something the Saturday as Sunday my dad travels to see her and stays mainly the whole day plus she has school the next day so we thought the day before would be great , as some times her bday is. I'm the school holidays but not this year, I totally forgot about the wedding till neighbor came roudn today asking

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PaperDoIIs · 01/04/2024 23:33

reynold · 01/04/2024 23:23

@PaperDoIIs I just don't want him thinking he can't go or like I'm being selfish etc I'd feel awful if he didn't go but really wanted too because of me

But he can't go, because you need him and that's ok.

You deserve care, help and support when you are struggling. You deserve to be put first.

It's not selfish to ask for help when you need it.

Love and relationships don't mean you have to be a martyr and always put yourself last.

Who taught you these things?

He won't know unless you tell him. So you have to tell him. Otherwise you're setting him up to fail because he will go and you'll resent him for going and anything that goes wrong on your daughter's birthday. How is that any better?

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:24

@EIIaM I understand, I've not told him any of my concerns yet

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Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:23

@PaperDoIIs I just don't want him thinking he can't go or like I'm being selfish etc I'd feel awful if he didn't go but really wanted too because of me

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PaperDoIIs · 01/04/2024 23:20

reynold · 01/04/2024 23:14

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine he said it's about 2 hours away, I think I'm being selfish I'm just scared I've been in hospital
Due to shortness of breath and dizziness I've struggled alot with kids been off school and him being at work so far I haven't been able to have bed rest he's very supportive he doesn't drink he does a lot for us, I'm just nervous as I've had so many problems

Just talk to him. What are you so afraid of?

EIIaM · 01/04/2024 23:19

Feeling bad on a neighbour isn't reason to leave your wife in these circumstances. Of it was friends or family I'd understand, but not for a neighbour.

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:17

@snackatack my daughters 7 she had school the next day so she asked could we do it on Saturday which is the wedding day, i said no as Dad is busy but we can do it on her actually bday

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Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:16

@Azandme , sorry there's so many questions , yes this persons a neighbor personally I don't really speak to them but my partner does every know and again, not a lot of people are going to the wedding so I'm guessing that's why my partner really wants to go maybe feels bad?

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snackatack · 01/04/2024 23:16

How old is the child with the birthday - could you move it - or would they know?

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:15

@novocaine4thesoul I haven't addressed any of my concerns to him as I don't want him to think he can't go or feel bad for me I just came on here x

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Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:14

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine he said it's about 2 hours away, I think I'm being selfish I'm just scared I've been in hospital
Due to shortness of breath and dizziness I've struggled alot with kids been off school and him being at work so far I haven't been able to have bed rest he's very supportive he doesn't drink he does a lot for us, I'm just nervous as I've had so many problems

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Azandme · 01/04/2024 23:13

reynold · 01/04/2024 23:11

@Azandme that's the thing this isn't his very good friend It's a neighbor he's know less
Than a year, I told him to go he doesn't know I feel like this or anything hence why I came to
See if I'm being unreasonable

Thank you for clarifying. As it's not a good friend, then no, you're not being in the slightest bit unreasonable.

When I answered previously I was working on the premise this was a good friend.

novocaine4thesoul · 01/04/2024 23:13

There are plenty that will immediately say that he is being unreasonable, and maybe with the complications, he is, BUT if his only ask is to go and he is otherwise supportive, I'd hope, if you talk, you can work around this. Given what is going on, a lower key birthday for your daughter (presents, decorations) that is sorted by him or you both jointly in advance, and then the CAST IRON guarantee that he goes but drives and can drive back, and be with you "shortly" if there is even an ounce of requirement is where I would be at. You would have to have faith though that he would stick to his word. It is about trust, priorities, and compromise. Hope it goes ok xx

EIIaM · 01/04/2024 23:13

It changes things that it's a neighbours wedding, he shouldn't be going.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 01/04/2024 23:12

Is it close enough that he could go and not drink so as to be able to rush home in an emergency? And also come home early to be able to help with your daughter's birthday the next day. If he's not willing to not drink in this situation he's really not mature enough to be a parent.

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:11

@Azandme that's the thing this isn't his very good friend It's a neighbor he's know less
Than a year, I told him to go he doesn't know I feel like this or anything hence why I came to
See if I'm being unreasonable

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BronzeAge · 01/04/2024 23:10

reynold · 01/04/2024 23:03

@EIIaM no this is why I don't
Physically want to say no don't go, as far as he knows I've said go , I've just kept my opinion in as I don't want him to feel like he's not allowed or anything as he's a brilliant person and helps a lot, I'm just worried as the next day he was taking the kids out due to me not being able to walk from spd and baby in my cervix , he did this before on my daughters 5th birthday 2 years ago he ruined the day the next day due to feeling sick and headache etc

But this is the mysterious thing — why in the circumstances have you kept telling him to go?

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:10

@pizzaHeart his mum will hopefully be the one that will take care of the kids if I go in labour but she doesn't make it very known as she
Is a a&e nurse , when I spoke about childcare she said " if I can get out of work it will be fine"

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Azandme · 01/04/2024 23:10

It sounds like he's been very supportive throughout, and as this is a good friend's wedding, in your shoes I'd be doing everything I could for him to be able to go.

Is there anyone else who could support you for that day?

KidsandKindness · 01/04/2024 23:09

Personally I think he's being very selfish OP. It's only a friend's wedding, not a family member, and bearing in mind what a hard time you've had through out this pregnancy, then he should WANT to be with you, AND his DD. If he's not normally much of a drinker, surely under these circumstances he can restrain himself and drink low or no alcohol drinks, rather than end up with a hangover and unable to help the next day. So in your shoes I would talk to him and make it VERY clear that you are happy for him to go to the wedding, but as a compromise you want him to come home rather than going on to the reception. If he doesn't agree to this, then he's a complete shit, and I'd be asking myself why I was having a third child with him. So in answer to your question, you're not being pathetic, you're pregnant, and need your DH's support! Good luck with the delivery, and new baby, I hope all goes well for you.

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:08

@pizzaHeart yes I'm on bed rest i only have my dad as a family member for myself , I have spd currently on crutches with a belly band atm. he works so bed rest hasn't happened as the kids are off school too

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Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:07

@pizzaHeart I have 3 children and pregnant with 4th ( eldest is step child but brought up from a baby now 12) , I just got out of hospital Friday , weddings on 20th our DD birthday is the 21st, yes you got it correct

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pizzaHeart · 01/04/2024 23:06

And in addition to all of these you can’t walk?

pizzaHeart · 01/04/2024 23:04

So you have 2 children and pregnant with 3d ( high risk pregnancy). You ask if it’s unreasonable to want your partner not to go to the wedding of his friend on Saturday when on Sunday it will be your DD’s birthday ( and it’s his DD as well?). You will be 35 weeks on the day of the pregnancy and you don’t have any family around who can look after children if you need to go to the hospital.
Have I summarized correctly?

Original poster
reynold · 01/04/2024 23:03

@EIIaM no this is why I don't
Physically want to say no don't go, as far as he knows I've said go , I've just kept my opinion in as I don't want him to feel like he's not allowed or anything as he's a brilliant person and helps a lot, I'm just worried as the next day he was taking the kids out due to me not being able to walk from spd and baby in my cervix , he did this before on my daughters 5th birthday 2 years ago he ruined the day the next day due to feeling sick and headache etc

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