To not wait with my wife for her message?

This . I don't understand why your daughter had a choice. No dd mum is getting a massage you are coming with us. End of. But your wife moody for days is too much.

Two things. Don’t give 7yo choices you know will lead to immediate boredom and whinging within minutes. Your wife sounds like serious hard work if something so trivial can result in her sulking for days.

Why didn’t she insist on him taking her DD when he took their DS?

She’s not his mum. Why can’t he have enough sense to take a 7yo when his wife is having a massage. Why does he need to be instructed in such a basic way. If she wanted it doing she should have just nagged - omg she’s such a nag. Ffs

If he wanted to sabotage it then he wouldn’t have taken either child would he?

He didn’t just want to sabotage it. He actually did sabotage it. Leaving both kids would also be a dick move but at least the 9yo is old enough to be actually helpful in entertaining his sister and making sure she doesn’t fuck off somewhere during the massage.

DD insisted she wanted to stay with her mum and mum didn’t ask him to have her as well so didn’t have an issue with it at the time

7 you don’t get to “insist” in this situation, and I’d bet my house she was already pissed off when he started with “so you want to stay with mummy then. Ok”

She is coming across as the bad parent because she’s ignored him continually and clearly has form for it. What is she teaching her children by emotionally manipulating him in that way?

Shes PISSED OFF. She’s allowed to be. If she’s a shit mum he should have just said “you can’t have a massage, you’re a shit mum”. It’s irrelevant to the situation. She might have decorated their bedrooms with anthrax, he still fucked up her massage when she’s already ill and that’s what the thread is about. Her shitness as a mum or otherwise is irrelevant. He’s not saying she didn’t deserve a massage and that’s why it’s fucked up.

Particularly her son. She’s teaching her daughter that if you use the silent treatment as a weapon you can get your own way in life and that her son’s worth is below that of a woman and that he deserves to be mistreated if he makes a mistake.

Is she, aye. She should always be chatty and gay. She could just take some “mother’s little helper”. The more important lesson to learn is that mum doesn’t get a massage because dad is a drip, and we’ve all learned that.

That to me and many others is a far bigger crime than not taking the other child when he wasn’t even asked to.

He should have had to be asked. She was quiet on one car journey where she is disappointed and ill and had been shopping all day. This is not an actual crime.

In his OP he recognised his mistake and reflected that he could have done better

No didn’t. He just said his 7yo wanted to stay with her mum so he fucked off without her as there was nothing a grown man could do. Then he offers to rejoin and apparently quite long queue but the moment had gone by then.

OP will drag out her silent treatment for days in order to sabotage any days left that they have off together

You don’t know that AT ALL.

That is the appropriate use of the word sabotage I think you’ll find.

I don’t

One of those couple spats, but she was very unreasonable to pitch a hissy fit.
I was going to suggest you offer herva massage but I like the pp suggestion that you book her a good massage, or maybe a voucher, so she can book at a time best for her.

How long should it have taken to the wait in the queue and then have the massage? To be honest, I think it’s weird and inconsiderate to randomly decide you’re going for a massage in the middle of a family shopping trip if it means other people have to hang around waiting for you. I’d feel the same way if it was your wife writing because you’d decided you were going to get a haircut, etc.

Exactly.
If there was a reason why the whole family needed to go shopping, then that would be the plan for the time it took. I would not be impressed, if we'd gone off to a shopping centre together in the one car, if whoever I was with then announced they needed me to occupy myself for the next hour or whatever because they had randomly decided that they wanted a massage.
You book a massage when the other half of the couple can look after the dc at home. Or plan it into the day, not just drop it on the other adult as they were about to go home, that they need to hang around twiddling their thumbs because one person fancied treating themselves and didn't care two hoots about the other 3 people.

Why didn’t she insist on him taking her DD when he took their DS? If he wanted to sabotage it then he wouldn’t have taken either child would he? DD insisted she wanted to stay with her mum and mum didn’t ask him to have her as well so didn’t have an issue with it at the time. She is coming across as the bad parent because she’s ignored him continually and clearly has form for it. What is she teaching her children by emotionally manipulating him in that way? Particularly her son. She’s teaching her daughter that if you use the silent treatment as a weapon you can get your own way in life and that her son’s worth is below that of a woman and that he deserves to be mistreated if he makes a mistake. That to me and many others is a far bigger crime than not taking the other child when he wasn’t even asked to. In his OP he recognised his mistake and reflected that he could have done better but the OPs wife will drag out her silent treatment for days in order to sabotage any days left that they have off together. He wouldn’t say that if she hadn’t done it multiple times before. That is the appropriate use of the word sabotage I think you’ll find.

He said "she can be moody for a while".

This can mean anything from her actually being awful to her regulating herself or simply not forgiving and forgetting his shitty behaviour right away.

So the mall massage didn't work out. Tell her to go book a massage with a massage therapist. If part of the reason she's not feeling well is muscle pain, this will be good for her. It's a bit inconsiderate to get a spontaneous mall massage when there's a queue.

@PaperDoIIs I think he said she has form for it though.

Saying you will facilitate your DS to have a massage and then fucking off and leaving her with a 7yo was a dick move. If you didn’t want her to have the massage or look after the kids while she did then you should have said, instead of pretending you were chill with it and then sabotaging it. An alien just arrived from space knows a massage isn’t very relaxing when you are simultaneously supervising a bored 7yo in a busy area. You know that too but you either are, or are pretending to be so much of a drip that you can’t tell a 7yo to come with you. Really unfair of you to give her the choice, knowing that she either came with you or ruined mummy’s massage and mummy has to put up with it or she is the mean parent who shits on the choice (admittedly she is coming across as the mean parent now because a 7yo thinks she is responsible for all this tension because she made the wrong choice, when really the grown up in charge (YOU) should never have pushed that on her. But yeah, she sounds crazy and you are just doing your best and have no idea how this happened.

She saw how bored her daughter got, why would she expect you and the son to wait as well?!

I think what she probably wanted really was for you to have taken both children while she had a massage. I think she's more annoyed at the situation than you tbh.

She hasn't though has she? She gave him the silent treatment for the car ride that's it.

OP thinks she might.

If she actually does, then yeah the relationship is fucked because that's not a healthy or good environment for any of them, or the kids.

But @PaperDoIIs you can't think it's normal or ok for her to have a two day strop about it? A man giving his wife the silent treatment for that length of time would certainly be called abusive on MN.

And then posts on here to have his wife called unstable, crazy, a bitch, an abuser.

Well, that’s nice for you. I wouldn’t be happy in that scenario, as I’d much rather ‘fucking entertain’ DD and DSCs at home than in a shopping centre at the end of a family shopping trip. Suddenly remembering you need to do something is very different to deciding you’re going to get a massage.

My point has got nothing to do with having a penis. DP looks after DD on his own all the time and I’d expect nothing less of him as she’s his child too. I hold no truck with strategic incompetence. My point was about picking the right moment, and it doesn’t sound like this was the right moment. If OP’s wife had booked a massage at a beauty parlour and the OP hadn’t kept the daughter at home so she could have it in peace then that would be completely different.

He should still have taken the daughter though. As I meant to suggest the first time.

How was she going to have a relaxing massage whilst also looking after a bored child?? You just take them both. No Veronica, Mummy is just going to wait for her massage and we'll be back later (pick up child if of appropriate age)

As for the wife - I feel for her - lets put this in context, she's been feeling under the weather - wanted a little massage - and yet again OH didn't step up - then played the 'oh pity me I tried card' ..

I have a partner who does this is it infuriating

She left her child happily unattended and allowed her husband to walk away to have an impromptu massage in the middle of a busy stall. I hate it when women emotionally abuse their partners. Maybe she should have a brain as well as a personality transplant to match.

Thank you :)

You left your wife with a child to have a massage - you should have taken both children with you

I hate when partners are so useless - have a brain

Ah, so he made a mistake so he deserved to be emotionally abused. Right, gotchya. Must remember that for next time my OH makes a mistake. I’ll have my wooden spoon at the ready. Victim blaming at it’s finest, you are honestly grotesque.

Yeah I think this is the much bigger issue, frankly, than who should have taken responsibility for the 7 year old. It's toxic behaviour.

@Zoreos because he's the one that fucked up this time. If he wanted to, he could've been a good partner.He didn't. That's on him.

But would you not just ask him to take DD too?