To not wait with my wife for her message?

Oh yes this! God I hope you are not one of those men (NEM!) Who buggers off to the golf course/gym/running/cycling all weekend/evenings and she has to do all the work herself...as a back story that would explain why she feels pretty grumpy that she can't even take 5 minutes out when the opportunity presents itself. Yes she could have communicated a bit better but I suspect she felt guilty having to ask. You probably should have used your own initiative and thought...what will my 7 year old do whilst she has this massage/how can I keep her entertained. I have a 7 year old boy and I know any queue longer than 1 minute I will hear whining. I can't tell you how much I wish my weak willed husband would take the initiative so I speak from unfortunate experience, gets exhausting having to be the pushy one all of the time, especially when you don't like asking for something for yourself as you feel guilty even asking. Sometimes asking the child what they want is a good thing...choice is good. Equally sometimes they don't know what they really want and you know them better than they know themselves! That's when you take the reins as parent and decide for them/distract them with a fun father kid thing to do. How good are you at engaging both your kids and keeping them entertained? Do you do this often?

Actually, one of the things that's always interesting on MN is how often women on here tie themselves in knots to give their partner's side when they're asking AIBU. "I know the tI shouldn't have done that and he was irritated because he's had a lot of work on and he's tired and has been pulling double shifts, so I do feel really bad. He told me that he wasn't going to help with the children at all this week and made it clear that was definitive. But AIBU to think he could at least acknowledge my efforts?"

It sounds like it was a stupid idea in the first place, and then with taking one child each it was set up so it couldn’t possibly have worked out, which then gave her an excuse to be moody with you. Look up the drama triangle and talk to her about it - it sounds like she engineered this scene so she could come out of it as a victim which you as the persecutor. You don’t have to play along with her interpretation of this.

Perhaps the wife thought her daughter would be OK with her?

I do agree that she shouldn't have been given the choice though.

Op's wife could also have phoned Op to fetch the daughter.

Perhaps she was just pissed off by then at the fuss of trying to get a 10min massage so cut off her nose to spite her face.

Was your wife ignoring anyone who spoke to her in the car?

If not why does silence in the car matter?

Obviously wrong if she will be in a bad mood for the rest of the days off though.

What did your wife want?

Well, this is the point isn’t it. Why didn’t he wife just ask for him to take her?

Yes, this is what I should have done.

It’s good you recognise this. Say this to your wife.

And book her a 1 hour massage at a good salon.

Edit: I'm agreeing with @Iwasafool , thw rest is what I wanted to add!

All these comments along the lines of "she needs that massage" and blaming OP do nothing for equality.
For all we know, she is always abusive towards OP. We don't know either way for sure - we can only go on her poor behaviour on this occasion.
Calling OP idiotic and assuming he made her act this way... fantastic victim blaming while also painting women as poor things who can't speak up for ourselves.

There is some serious over reaching, projection and embellishing to your inane drivel going on here and you say I am claiming things that don’t know at all? My word.

You must have pulled a muscle with that reach. Maybe get a massage while supervising a 7yo in a busy shopping centre. I haven’t embellished anything. It’s all in the OP. He said he gave the kid a choice to stay with mummy while mummy got a massage, he said he agreed they would wait while she had the massage but then buggered it up for her. He said she’s ill. He said she’s pissed off about it. You are the one calling her a “shit mum”, saying her massage would only be sabotaged if she’d been left with the 9yo as well but not if she’s left with a 7yo, saying she’s teaching her ds that “his worth is below women” by being cross she didn’t get her massage. Talk about inane drivel. You’ve completely projected a slurry of bollocks onto a very simple situation and made out she’s ruining her ds’s future relationships and teaching her dd to be an abusive, manipulative bitch. You sound both inane and insane.

The thing I’m claiming you don’t know is your claim that the wife has given the OP the silent treatment in the future in a time that hasn’t happened yet in order to sabotage their days off that you don’t even know that they have. You don’t know that. Are you a time traveller? You “know” this but you don’t even give the OP credit for knowing that when one parent is having a massage (that he has already agreed to hang around in the mall for an extra 20 minutes to facilitate) then he shouldn’t fuck off and leave a 7yo with her. Your psychic powers are obviously better than his. Not that you need to be psychic to know when a woman wants a massage then they don’t mean “I’d really love a 10 minute shoulder massage, but I don’t want to relax or be able to put my head down in the chair properly because I want to simultaneously supervise a bored 7yo in a busy shopping centre”.

I agree

I'm not being ridiculous, but don't worry, you'll be alright.

Don't be ridiculous. Wife sounds deeply unpleasant, and if a man was behaving as she did, everyone would be saying LTB.

not fair on you but.. she needs a massage.. book it for her and take kids out for the day. She needs a break.

Wife sounds at rhe end of her tether with an idiotic husband who can't work out the obvious.

Book her a massage and give her an actual break.

Her OTT reaction is not ok but I would have been annoyed in her shoes too. Are there other things and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

Why did you ask the kids what they wanted? You should have just been assertive and said ‘let’s go look in X shop’ to both of them. Or grab a hot chocolate or whatever would get them to go with you. A massage in a busy mall is barely relaxing but with a child saying they are bored?? No point on doing that, is there.

Oh FGS. Of course the wife is going to be supported here. Instead of snapping and ruining everybody's day, or days as the OP is suggesting, she could just have easily called to say "come get DD now, she is getting her fed up" or similar.

Odd behaviour.

How about the mother taking parental control and letting DD know she should go with dad and letting him know what she wanted.

Poor helpless women, we can't actually manage to speak can we? Well yes most of us can.

Absolutely this.

But excusing abusive behaviour just only serves to justify it
Imagine us analysing why men abuse
'Frustration of being the breadwinner'
'More testosterone'
'Struggle to share their feelings'
'Prob tired and needs down time from working so hard'

No

Not only that but so many different ways to excuse abusive behaviour in a woman
'But she's frazzled'
'You prob do this a lot'
'You should have known' so much projection and sexism it's insane

To be fair 75% of people said that the OP was NBU and a lot of posters have picked up on the same points that you’ve made. I think the remaining 25% are just people who put themselves forward a lot more aggressively to try and prove their point. People who shout the loudest don’t always represent the majority. I think anyone with any common sense can see that he’s not really this massive asshole and his wife is out of line for her behaviour. I think Mumsnet brings out the worst in people because they can hide behind a screen to be offensive.

This tells of a bigger picture I feel.

I think you need to sit down with her and really listen to what she says, even if you think she's just grumbling or being pedantic.

Sometimes being a mum is a death of a thousand papercuts

Mumsnet double standards ride again. People absolutely falling over themselves to blame the OP and say that his wife is a poor put upon flower who just needed five minutes to herself. She sounds like a pain, OP. Plus 'days' of the silent treatment is borderline emotional abuse. I hate the way that women can seemingly never do wrong on this site, it isn't reflective of real life at all.

If DP decided on a shopping trip he was having a massage, then was furious at me for not just taking the children to allow it while the 3 of us waited around, followed by the silent treatment for days... no, the last thing he'd be getting is a surprise massage.

Sorry but agreed as a woman this makes no sense to me either. I resent the fact that as a woman I’m this demure, frail little bird who can’t express her own opinions and have to have my wants and needs expressed by my psychic husband. Have we regressed in thoughts and attitudes about 60 years? Seems very sexist. If I wanted a massage I’d book a proper one not a naff five minute one where everyone was queuing up watching me at some crappy stall. Where’s the indulgence in that? If she’s confident enough to be voicing herself by getting stroppy and self assured enough to punish with the silent treatment then she’s “big enough to use her big girl voice” and tell her husband exactly what she needs from him. The lack of communication between a lot of people these days is unbelievable and people wonder why their marriages are failing. It’s almost a crime to be human and make mistakes because it’s seen as sabotage. Such weird paranoia.