To wonder how you stop worrying and manage to live your own life if you have mentally unwell children

You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child. This saying is sadly true.

I have 2, both pulling on me all the time. DS’s dad is crap so he won’t speak to him, DD’s dad is not crap but she prefers to speak to me.

l wonder what I’ve done wrong. They’re both so lovely but so troubled. I just get one sorted and ……

I feel down and unhappy a lot of time. Trying to hold them both up. Sometimes l wish l hadn’t been so sympathetic when they were little. They both love sympathy. I live in fear of them doing something terrible. I hate it. I wonder what it’s like to have normalish kids who don’t cause you any excessive worry.

Oh, so much this!

My DD is autistic with ADHD and she simply can't engage well with therapy: she doesn't have insight into her emotions, she doesn't get the nuance, she will just say things are 'fine' when they're demonstrably not.

That got her discharged from CAMHS and has cost us at least £5k in private clinic fees so far.

I’ve managed with a lot of stoicism and focusing on how to create the best life for me.

I’m understanding and supportive but realised I can live her life for her and she will have to go through it.

It is what it is.

Realistically you don't. You try .. the worry never goes away

I think you and your partner (when there is one on the scene) have to be so generous and protective of each others' free time.

We encourage each other to go out with friends and take up hobbies etc, because our mental health suffers if we can't switch off pretty regularly.

@headache you can apply for DLA if you're daughter is under 16. La is money for the parent. If they are 16 or over then it's PIP but you can be the administrator although it us their money.

You could be me, our DDs experiences sound so similar. And the friends thing - I came back so angry from a meet up with three of my closest friends recently - we talked about all their kids, they asked about my eldest who is fine, but no one asked about my DD, not even the one whose daughter had been good friends with her prior to all her mental health difficulties. Even when I brought her up myself they just nodded and changed the subject. It's a very lonely place to be.

My sympathies to all of you dealing with this, I wish I knew how to to stop worrying, but in all honesty I'm drowning under the stress of trying to keep her in one piece.

I feel your pain OP

I also know how you feel OP and it has made my anxiety 100 times worse. I suffered from anxiety before DD became unwell so I don’t blame her but it’s made me unwell too worrying about her. It makes me so sad she’s missing out on so so much, I want to just cuddle her and make it better for her but unfortunately I can’t do that.

I can only be there for her, when she wants to talk, try not to get angry when she stays in bed until 5pm then stays up all night, when she has so much therapy but it doesn’t seem to be working and it seems to be getting worse, when she hoards all sorts of dirty things in her room rather than face cleaning as it has to be “right” or she won’t do it. She also won’t apply for DLA as she’s too scared, luckily DH and I can still support her. I worry about her future as I can see her the exact same in 10 years time.

It also annoys me that no one, friend/family wise asks about her. I spent a whole night with a couple of friends hearing all about their DC (how wonderful they were etc) which is great everyone is proud of their DC but when I got home I realised that they hadn’t asked one thing about my DC and they never have done. It’s as if she doesn’t exist now.

Holding out a hand of solidarity. Ds2 took an overdose out of the blue 3 years ago and he is currently waiting for an autism assessment.

I have recently discovered that my teenage daughter is suicidal and self harming. I am absolutely broken and don't know how to deal with this. I feel that I am bottling all of this up and won't speak to any friends or family about it although i have spoken with school. It was school who told me what was going on but i have been in denial untilI recently. I am going to ask school to refer her to camhs but other than that what do I do?

I’d also like to know the answer to this and I wonder if any professionals can comment.
Like if you’re a therapist and deal with parents in this situation, what is the advice?
I’ve found that when dealing with professionals and clinicians about a teens mh, there’s very much a culture of the teen being encouraged to engage with the professional alone (camhs etc). This is fine, but when the teen doesn’t engage in any meaningful way (or tbh at all), they are discharged from the system and stuck on.a waiting list. There aren’t really many opportunities for the parent to describe what they’re dealing with on a daily basis. And tbh when you’re experiencing this kind of scenario and knowing that if you had spare cash it’d all be spent on private therapy for the child as a priority , then the last thing you’re thinking of is spending £50 upwards per hour on a therapist for yourself . I did see a therapist alone with lots of experience in this area and expressed a thought I’m sure other posters have had, that if this was a physical condition (like cancer for example), it surely wouldn’t be so easy for a child to disengage from treatment simply by deciding it’s not required. The therapists answer was that actually yes, plenty of people refuse cancer treatment and that’s THEIR PERSONAL CHOICE. Which I didn’t feel was particularly helpful or productive.

@Theoscargoesto

You know how you find out how bad mental health services are when you or a loved one needs to use them? Well my chemotherapy has been like that. Very uncaring.

IME, I just don't.

One of my children has made numerous attempts to end their life over the last 10 years so I spend pretty much all my life on suicide watch & in a state of perpetual worry.

One of our dogs has saved them several times now by alert barking to wake us, but when she goes (she's almost 12) I think it's going to get even more difficult.

i try to balance the emotional load with exercise, seeing good friends, crafting. I know I’ve got to keep well for my family and my depressed child.

This is me with DD27.

Things also change. My ds is an adult now and since he turned 18 and was responsible for his own health care it hot a bit easier. He got taken more seriously. He got more proactive. He got worse, then he got a bit better. He is on meds now and possibly in the best place since he was aged 14.

Unfortunately you also need to get your head around that no ones coming to help, no one will save them. Camhs is utter, utter useless shit. If you have any money, get what ever private help you can.

I couldn't have done at the time. That's where I find peace.

Following a I'm in the same situation and completely relate to the OP.

What would be the consequences of you ignoring those texts?

Obviously answering them isn't helping if the texts keep coming in.

You must feel like you are driven crazy. If anyone was texting me that many times I would feel like I was losing my mind. Presumably those texts are making demands on you as well. It must be unbearable 💐

I would love to understand this as well, I am able to go out for events out etc but I never stop worrying, I receive maybe 150 texts a day at work. I can’t ever relax. I am lucky because my work is reasonably flexible but I’m now stuck here because I don’t think I will ever get an understanding employer like it.

A mother is only as happy as her saddest child. I read this recently and can't get it out of my head. Does that mean that I will.never be truly happy? I find it's like something is just constantly in the back of my head. Like an itch that I can try and ignore but I know it's there. I think the posters above are right, having to try and compartmentalise. I actually feel better reading everyone's posts on this. Sometimes you think your the only one. Hope you find the answer OP.

Yeah. that's me too. In the middle of the night. If (and when) I die, I can see he'll be homeless on the streets. It kills me.