My Mother-in-Law and sister’s wedding

@MaggieFS oh the people trying to motor around from one “class” to the other thinking one is better are as complicated to manage as the ones that don’t understand other cultural norms exist.

Absolutely LOVE the idea of "social culture" vs class. I was brought up by DM of the Hyacinth Bucket culture group.

Errm, I think your MIL is being ridiculous. I get on pretty well with my in laws - in a lot of ways, my MIL is more supportive than my own mother was.

My brother got married a lot later than I did (there's only 18 months between us) so I had known my in laws for a long time before he got married. My in laws weren't invited, but I would never have expected them to be - the only time they'd ever met my brother was at my wedding. They had met my parents a few more times (graduation ceremonies (DH and I had been together for a while when we graduated), first child's christening etc, but not loads)

Maybe if they had met each other loads of times and there were multiple whole family parties or something, it would be different, but apart from that, I think your MIL is being ridiculous

If I were getting married, it wouldn't occur to me to invite the parents of my siblings partner.

Your wife and MIL are the people who have breached etiquette in this scenario.

True story.

What social contract?! Plus the OP's ILs are not paying for any part of his sister's wedding.

Paying for your own child's wedding doesn't give you automatic invites to the weddings of the siblings of your child's spouse.

It’s a problem of having married into a different social culture. I think you just have to explain that clearly to your wife and let her handle her mother. The etiquette and social expectations you were raised with are different than their own. But you have to do so without judging them or giving them free rein to judge your family.

(I’m using “social culture” where some would say “class”. I think class is a a bullshit bougie judgy word, but that’s what we are talking about.)

Another good word is boundaries. “Love you MIL but I’m not the hostess here so don’t get a say in the invitations.” I wrote hostess because that’s a word she will understand. The women in her circle more likely control the guest lists. Don’t let her push you into being the middleman here.

My brother invited my in laws to his wedding. It was the right thing to do. Given the relationships between the families and who is paying for the wedding, I'd say your wife is right and your sister has committed a social faux pas. I know people say "it's the couple's day, they can invite whom they like" but real life doesn't work like that. There's a social contract at play and your sister tore it up.

In our family the MIL wouldn't be invited. If the MIL had paid for the wedding then that would be seen as her giving a gift to her daughter and so. It wouldn't have he strings attached.

It's up to your sister who she invites to her wedding. Tell your wife and MIL that it's nothing to do with you 🤷‍♀️

I emphasise OP.
You are stuck between a rock and a hard place, trying to placate everyone and keep everyone happy and yet having no control over anything.
At the end of the day, this is between you & your wife to sort. If your sister doesn't want your MIL at her wedding, which to be fair is her choice. Then your wife needs to step up here, have your back, support you and explain to her mother that s it s no reflection on her but that you have no control who is invited.

It's not standard to invite in-laws to events on the opposite side of the family at all.

Your DW and MIL can think it's rude all they like but it's up to Dsis and her fiance who come to their wedding, your Mum & Dad don't even get a say.

It's a weird view to take it so personally, I think.

Is there a religion or ethnicity at play here that are more likely to see this as a slight on their family?

Your wife and MIL are the people who have breached etiquette in this scenario. They are pushing for an invitation to a wedding to someone that MIL barely knows.

none of our sibling’s spouse’s parents made it onto our guest list. I hadn’t even met all of except in passing at the weddings.

We also paid for our own wedding. there were no other voices that had any legitimate claim to influence the guest list.

I really can't fathom why your mother in law would expect an invite to, or even want to attend, your sister's wedding.
My husband and I didn't invite our siblings' in-laws to our wedding and would have also laughed if anyone was ridiculous enough to suggest it.

my parents have enjoyed hospitality from them and that she paid for their son’s wedding so she should be invited to their daughter’s wedding

Your MIL and wife are rather old fashioned in her views on who decides the guest list at a wedding these days. This is your sisters wedding not your parents wedding. My sisters in-laws were invited to my wedding, I did know and like her in-laws so was fine with it but got married at a time when parents had more say over invitees and my parents invited them. I got to add a few friends but had no other say over the guest list, which decades later I still mind. Neither my in-laws nor my sisters in-laws were invited to either of my brothers weddings and it wouldn’t have occurred to me to suggest they were.

I'm with your sister on this. If my husband's brother was getting married, I wouldn't expect my parents to be invited to his wedding. I wouldn't expect an invitation myself because it would be up to the couple who they want there.

Sorry, haven't RTFT, but if the ceremony is in a church, then anyone can go. No-one is barred from entering a church just because there is a wedding taking place.

So if MIL wants to see her DGD being a flower girl, then she can - if it's in a church.

I can see your sister’s point, she may not know or feel close to your MIL.
I wish my family had been as close as this. It would be a lovely relationship.

I wanted my Mother to meet PIL, before the wedding, my husband to be, wasn’t keen.
They weren’t polite at the wedding. FIL is particularly unpleasant, and I’ve seen him be rude to his wife’s perfectly nice sister in law, for no reason, other than feeling inadequate.
They are a horrible family, and really I should have taken more notice of this before marriage.

As you've described would warrant an invitation in our family.

Important q, was your sister typically present at family things hosted by your parents at which your MIL was present? I.E. does MIL know your sister.

Unfortunately you will probably have to say to MIL that your parents aren't hosting this wedding and whilst you are terribly sorry, your sister has chosen not to invite her.

I think a lot of etiquette items are positive, but the scenario of the bride's parents hosting the wedding at which their daughter was handed over like a chattel to become part of the groom's family has no place in modern society. And with that goes the "etiquette" of the bride's parents inviting whom they choose.

(And this is why DH and I paid for 60% of our wedding and my mum still has a grump that she was only "allowed" to invite two people... plus her 25 relatives...)

I probably have a closer relationship with my in-laws in-laws than most to be fair. I have spent a Christmas with my SIL’s MIL and been on UK holidays with her and she wasn’t invited to our wedding. She hosted the first Christmas after we lost FIL which was very kind of her to take the pressure off SIL and MIL. She is lovely and we all get on well but there were many others who would have been invited before her if our capacity had allowed. We had a large wedding (100 to the day and an additional 30th for the evening) due to DH having a large family.
I don’t think she expected to be invited, she never said anyway and neither did SIL or her husband!

Same

I'd probably invite my sister's in law's but because they are lovely people, who I've spent a fair bit of time with over the years and who were incredibly kind to me when we were all grieving. I wouldn't consider them inviting them just because they are her in laws though, that would be incredibly weird.
Please politely close it down with your wife and her mum. The guest list is nothing to do with you, or your parents, and if some sort of quid pro quo was applied to your own wedding invites then that should be have been included on the invites so people know about their future invite debt! And please don't throw your sister under the bus like some people have suggested. You don't think she's doing anything wrong and it would be shitty to suggest you do.

I've been married 30yrs & my sibling has never met my ILs.

I've never met theirs either!

Is there a cultural aspect? I've been invited to Indian weddings purely because I'm a business contact of the father, never met the couple marrying! (I've always politely refused)

Why would dp's brother invite my parents? I'm certainly not inviting his mil to my wedding... not because she's not lovely, but she's simply not someone I know independently of them, we've met her but because we were at their house and she visited