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Original poster

Ex sending DC back sick?

109 replies

nc235 · 01/04/2024 16:00

Is it okay and just part of co-parenting?

50/50 arrangement, 3 DC.

Ex has just taken them on holiday for a week, lovely for them all.

Have been returned today and 2/3 children have sickness and diarrhoea. Oldest child who is a teen says this began on the last night of the holiday.

Ex has not mentioned prior to dropping kids back, we usually get along pretty well although issues historically.

Have not said anything yet, but WIBU to ask why he didn't tell me? And is it reasonable to send them back with a sickness bug or would you usually try and keep that to one house (as I imagine I would do)?

OP posts:
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Longlongtimeagooo · 04/04/2024 22:02

He definitely should have told you before they came home, so you could prep a bit (food shop done, nothing in the washing machine etc).

I think it would have definitely been considerate for him to keep them. As long as they were happy to be there. Sometimes kids just want a particular parent.

Or maybe he has work commitments and I'm assuming you're on mat leave so it was easier to send them back to you.

Not saying that that's a good excuse, but it could be the reasoning behind it.

If you come down with it (which would be awful with a baby!) would he take the kids back to his, even if it's not on his contact time?

jimbort · 04/04/2024 18:01

nc235 · 04/04/2024 09:09

Look, imo I don't think a custody arrangement should be so rigid that it defeats all common sense...

I'm not trying to "shirk" my responsibilities or not spend time with my children as pps have said. I would have happily had the kids for longer to "make up" the time.

PP hit the nail on the head for me when they said it's not a game we take turns in- my turn your turn- it's three children's lives... and their extended families I.e my household and dads household.

Like I've said I've happily kept them longer when we've had covid and other illnesses before to prevent spread... that to me just seems like common sense and the decent thing to do... rather than potentially make their Dad, his partner and their two other children ill as well as us? Coughs and colds minor illnesses no, we just carry on.

We've also happily swapped holidays at times when I would be off work but he would be working but it fell on "his time"... which meant that instead of the children sitting in holiday club while he was working I could take them out and spend time with them. Which is better for the kids. I didn't just go "no sorry it's not my time".

I couldn't agree more with you. I've told my ex to keep my son when he's had a sickness bug. He picked up bug after bug after bug with my ex and I had to take all the days off work. If ex has the bug anyway in his house then it's common sense to not spread it to my house. I think maybe some of these replies are from trolls. It's the school holidays where I am. Daffodil

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 16:46

Sorry for the above reply, this was obviously meant to be a separate post but it’s my first time posting & got it wrong! Have asked mumsnet to remove, sorry!

Mummame2222 · 04/04/2024 16:42

Mrbumpssmile · 04/04/2024 16:23

It's not very nice though, is it, deciding not to do something quite simple in order to prevent a newborn baby and mother getting ill?!
(Of course, there could be factors we don't know about, like work stress deadlines, but generally speaking any half decent human would without even thinking suggest keeping unwell, contagious children until they've recovered, to prevent it spreading.)

I don't think it's "entitled" to expect others to behave decently. Or rather, it's just something we're all entitled to, basic consideration and care.

Show quote history

Ok 🤷‍♀️ and I think her attitude is entitled.

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 16:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Mrbumpssmile · 04/04/2024 16:23

Mummame2222 · 04/04/2024 10:31

I'm not trying to "shirk" my responsibilities

Part if your responsibility is looking after them when they’re sick. Ex doesn’t owe you that and I think part of the issue here is your entitlement over the situation. You would do one thing, great, ex is not in the wrong by not doing the same thing.

It's not very nice though, is it, deciding not to do something quite simple in order to prevent a newborn baby and mother getting ill?!
(Of course, there could be factors we don't know about, like work stress deadlines, but generally speaking any half decent human would without even thinking suggest keeping unwell, contagious children until they've recovered, to prevent it spreading.)

I don't think it's "entitled" to expect others to behave decently. Or rather, it's just something we're all entitled to, basic consideration and care.

Mummame2222 · 04/04/2024 16:09

nc235 · 04/04/2024 14:50

Entitlement Hmm

It's like some of these posts are written by bitter baby mammas who would gleeful drop their sick children off with their "awful" exes just to ensure that he does "his turn" and his parenting "responsibilities" while all patting themselves on the back in a group chat- "good job babez, make sure he does his bit hun, it's only fair".

Sorry for the slow reply babez... been tending to my sick baby who is now projectile vomiting. Fairs fair tho aye.

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Literally just kept my kid at home because he was sick babez… I don’t think anyone owes me anything though, it’s parenting.

Original poster
nc235 · 04/04/2024 14:50

Mummame2222 · 04/04/2024 10:31

I'm not trying to "shirk" my responsibilities

Part if your responsibility is looking after them when they’re sick. Ex doesn’t owe you that and I think part of the issue here is your entitlement over the situation. You would do one thing, great, ex is not in the wrong by not doing the same thing.

Entitlement Hmm

It's like some of these posts are written by bitter baby mammas who would gleeful drop their sick children off with their "awful" exes just to ensure that he does "his turn" and his parenting "responsibilities" while all patting themselves on the back in a group chat- "good job babez, make sure he does his bit hun, it's only fair".

Sorry for the slow reply babez... been tending to my sick baby who is now projectile vomiting. Fairs fair tho aye.

OP posts:
Mummame2222 · 04/04/2024 10:31

I'm not trying to "shirk" my responsibilities

Part if your responsibility is looking after them when they’re sick. Ex doesn’t owe you that and I think part of the issue here is your entitlement over the situation. You would do one thing, great, ex is not in the wrong by not doing the same thing.

ABirdsEyeView · 04/04/2024 10:12

Some people treat custody arrangements like a timeshare with strangers on a villa in Spain. These are two people who once cared about each other enough to have children - they will share those children forever. Barring abusive situations, you'd think there'd be enough feeling to not want to deliberately make a baby sick, when it could easily be prevented.
He's not being asked to look after someone else's kids, only his own for an extra couple of days.

Original poster
nc235 · 04/04/2024 09:09

Look, imo I don't think a custody arrangement should be so rigid that it defeats all common sense...

I'm not trying to "shirk" my responsibilities or not spend time with my children as pps have said. I would have happily had the kids for longer to "make up" the time.

PP hit the nail on the head for me when they said it's not a game we take turns in- my turn your turn- it's three children's lives... and their extended families I.e my household and dads household.

Like I've said I've happily kept them longer when we've had covid and other illnesses before to prevent spread... that to me just seems like common sense and the decent thing to do... rather than potentially make their Dad, his partner and their two other children ill as well as us? Coughs and colds minor illnesses no, we just carry on.

We've also happily swapped holidays at times when I would be off work but he would be working but it fell on "his time"... which meant that instead of the children sitting in holiday club while he was working I could take them out and spend time with them. Which is better for the kids. I didn't just go "no sorry it's not my time".

OP posts:
Mummame2222 · 04/04/2024 08:45

SemperIdem · 04/04/2024 08:24

And?

Does it being a custody arrangement prevent everyone else involved getting ill? No.

Show quote history

No, because that’s not what it’s there for.

SemperIdem · 04/04/2024 08:24

Mummame2222 · 03/04/2024 22:17

Put your foot down? My kids Dad could never 😂 It’s a custody arrangement not a babysitting gig.

Show quote history

And?

Does it being a custody arrangement prevent everyone else involved getting ill? No.

PriOn1 · 03/04/2024 22:24

Yes, he’s selfish.

Yes, it was your time, but he could have kept the bug away from you and you could have had them extra another time. That would have been common sense.

Mummame2222 · 03/04/2024 22:17

SemperIdem · 03/04/2024 20:44

He’s been a bit of a dick here.

All the posters whinnying about “turns” as though you’re arguing it’s your go on a game, not a custody arrangement regarding children and their best interests. Idiots.

My step children’s mother would pass the bubonic plague between houses if we hadn’t put our foot down a year or so ago. My exh and I have a significantly more sensible approach

I hope you feel better soon.

Put your foot down? My kids Dad could never 😂 It’s a custody arrangement not a babysitting gig.

Mummame2222 · 03/04/2024 22:16

nc235 · 03/04/2024 19:37

The silly thing is my exh has a new partner and 2 other children, they all have it too now Easter Confused

Why did they not just bunk down together with the bug? Unless they thought by returning my sick DC without telling me they were ill, that they would avoid it? Even thought they've all been on holiday together.

🙄 because your parenting time is your responsibility.

CarrotCake01 · 03/04/2024 20:49

He should have perhaps warned you
"Hey, just letting you know we're all back safe and sound, they all had a great time. X and Y are feeling a bit poorly though, it looks like they may have a tummy bug so might be worth keeping an eye on them over the next couple of days."

Not unreasonable of him to bring them back to you at the prearranged time though, just because they're ill.

SemperIdem · 03/04/2024 20:44

He’s been a bit of a dick here.

All the posters whinnying about “turns” as though you’re arguing it’s your go on a game, not a custody arrangement regarding children and their best interests. Idiots.

My step children’s mother would pass the bubonic plague between houses if we hadn’t put our foot down a year or so ago. My exh and I have a significantly more sensible approach

I hope you feel better soon.

gamerchick · 03/04/2024 20:25

OP hide the thread. I've come to the conclusion lately that there are a lot of frustrated people on here who could do with getting laid. They'll be here long after you've gone, picking over the bones and moving on to the next victim

Your ex should have kept them, he obviously didn't tell you because he didn't want to deal with it or catch it himself. If something like that can avoid being passed on to a household with a baby he should have kept them home.

I hope you're feeling better now. Horrible lurgy to get and have to look after a baby on top. Especially when it could have been avoided

OhmygodDont · 03/04/2024 20:08

It would make sense to the sick household to of stuck together. Since they where all On holiday together it was pretty much a they would get it. All they have done is now give it to op and by odds a baby.

Its not about who’s time it’s about not spreading things when not necessarily, would of thought covid taught us that 😅

ABirdsEyeView · 03/04/2024 20:03

"Stop making a mountain out of a mole hill."

This is a cunty thing to say @TimeGrabsYouByTheWrist
It's completely irrelevant that other people have missed holidays due to children's illness. That sucks but doesn't mean OP has nothing to be upset about. Babies can get seriously ill from D&V bugs.

Original poster
nc235 · 03/04/2024 19:37

The silly thing is my exh has a new partner and 2 other children, they all have it too now Easter Confused

Why did they not just bunk down together with the bug? Unless they thought by returning my sick DC without telling me they were ill, that they would avoid it? Even thought they've all been on holiday together.

OP posts:
Thehobbit2013 · 03/04/2024 19:29

I think the key point here is that he refused to have them when they were ill with you to reduce the spread. Given that was his choice he should have shown you the same courtesy and offered to keep them longer when they became ill during his time. So 50/50 but he still sees you as the default parent!

Weatherfor · 03/04/2024 19:01

I think it’s incredibly selfish of him to pass poorly kids back to yours but if he wishes to,set that precedent then feel free to,do the same to him next time! Is the baby his? You’d have to be very ignorant not to realise the risks of you and the baby getting ill and that it would make you less likely to be able to care for your joint children.

LEWWW · 03/04/2024 17:45

I get you OP, I hate illness being passed across households,

DHs ex sent the kids knowing they had covid and they were really unwell because she had a party she wanted to go to (which at the time shouldn’t have even been happening) - I had a 2 week old and was still recovering after a 3rd degree tear, both me and the baby ended up really unwell to the point I couldn’t breastfeed and so my milk dried up and we had to feed her formula, it was one of the most miserable times of my life 😔 I still hate her for it…

He definitely should have had the decency to at least let you know.