To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

We have a family member going through palliative care right now. All communication with their partner is via text.

Means that they can text at a time convenient for them and most importantly do it once rather than repeating the same news multiple times on multiple phonecalls

Also texts to them can be read at a time convenient for them.

As I hope you have learned from this thread OP every situation is different when it comes to sad (and also good) news

Am I also the only one thinking that if MIL knew about the appointment, but perhaps not the exact time, she may have thought it best NOT to ring?

I'm sorry you and your DH are upset OP and are clearly dealing with difficult news, but I would counsel that you perhaps shouldn't be angry with the messenger or the mode of delivery?

I think you're getting all these responses because you've been vague about the news DH received, but gave an example about your DM telling you she had cancer.

I personally think the consideration should be given to the person who the news impacts most, so in your DM's case she can break her own awful news whichever way she can cope with best.

I'm very sorry about your bad news and I hope you and your family are doing ok.

Most people don't have strange rigid rules on what a text can be used for though, they are a method of communicating literally anything, how do expect senders to be aware of your very unusual views?

That's exactly what I was thinking. Sometimes, it just isn't possible to get the words out.

I'd like to think people have enough empathy not to criticise, but this thread seems to suggest not.

I would be the same - I would know that there was bad news coming and I'd be beside myself until I got the call. I wouldn't be able to take much in from the appointment for example.

He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time
What a strange way to look at it, should she have sent a msg saying I'm about to send you bad news?

There is no good way to get bad news.

I would find this far more stressful, the suspense would make things worse. I’d rather just know.

Next time put your phones on airplane if you don’t want any texts while waiting for an appointment

I would find having to miss a phone call stressful - I’d rather just get a text.

But that would so obviously be a precursor to bad news that's it's as bad as getting a text with the bad news in it!

Much prefer text.

Phone calls can be awkward for both parties- I never know how to respond to bad news and so texts give me more of a chance to respond in the best possible way.

I'm autistic. So I do lack social skills. Not lacking empathy though (and I wish that trope would go away).

I can't tell people bad news. My throat closes and I can't get the words out. I remember having to tell people weeks and weeks later that my mum was dead. Even years later - I can't do it.

I can't imagine what terrible life changing bad news I'd be telling my child that wouldn't affect me in a big way either.

I completely agree OP!!

My mum has form for this. Sending shocking news via text in the middle of the day with no regard to what I'm doing or where I might be. I.e, I might not be somewhere I can compose myself, or might be going into an important client meeting etc. It's truly awful and poor form.

The first time she did it, I was at uni, about to go into an exam, and told me a family member had been arrested. She just blurted it all out in a random lengthy text out of the blue. Who on earth does that? It was all I could think/worry about.

I would think a text of 'Hi, can you call me later, need to talk when you get chance' is better. Or if they DO really want to text, then delaying it until evening would be best, presumably when you're likely to be at home for example.

This whole thread is completely pointless if you don’t actually tell us what the bad news was seeing as it’s so “niche”

IMO text is a very functional form of communication to tell someone there's a crash on the motorway and to expect a delay. Or to say we've run out of bread and can you pick some up in the way home.

Opening a text to find out about something lifechanging is poor form and lacks social skills and empathy.

I prefer bad news by text so I can process the information.

You're not asking how people do it generally as there's no such thing as a general way to deliver bad news.

You're sticking to your view that text is wrong and you're perfectly entitled to hold that view but you need to accept that not everyone agrees with you

@Ivorymoon be prepared for all the obtuse posts that seemingly want to twist your words. I totally get your point,

there absolutely is an etiquette around the delivery of bad news. When I've had to break the news or receive news of a death to a member of the family or a diagnosis, it has always been by phone (if distance is a barrier) or in person,

for something catastrophic such as a sudden death, I've had to drive 150 miles to the family member's house to deliver the message in person, because I was so worried about their ability to cope with the news.

how such a message is delivered, whether life-changing or just shocking eg mass redundancy, stays with the recipient forever, so doing it in the right way is worth taking the effort to consider carefully.

daisychain01 · Today 10:16

Do you really lack the imagination so much that you can't tell the difference between your sarcastic version and something like:

"I need to talk to you urgently. Please can you let me know as soon as you get this when it's possible to have the conversation?"

If I recieved a message like this, I wouldnt be able to concentrate on whatever I was doing and want ro ring asap anyway as my mind would be in overdrive. So for example in the OP'S situation, I would have not been in a better position than aleady being told the news via text as I'd be panicking and wanting to make that call, rather than focus on the childs medical appointment.

OP said that the caller could ascertain whether they (the person getting the call) were then in a position to hear the news.
But then they'd be anxious and upset anyway knowing that bad news was coming, but not knowing what that news was, or how bad.

I don't think it matters how the news is communicated- it'd still be bad news. What may be easier for one person might not be for another.

I agree with this.

Getting a text isn't ideal, but often the fact someone is phoning and asking where you are and if it's ok to talk, along with the tone of voice tells the person it's something bad.

My mum does this - but by the fact she is calling me when she wouldn't normally sling with her tone of voice tells me that it's something bad. And her saying oh just call me when you get a chance doesn't help as my mind then goes off on to what the need can possibly be.

There really isn't an ideal way to break bad news. It can be specific to circumstances and the people involved, as this thread shows.

I prefer to receive text messages if I think about it. When a friend called me to tell me our mutual friend had passed away I immediately knew something was wrong because she was phoning, and so received that news at the start of my shift.
A message allows me to gather my thoughts, have my own reaction and think about what questions I have.

It’s generational, I think.

We once had a big argument with the in-laws about not calling someone once an aunt had died. My DH sent a text instead. The in-laws went mad and said it deserved a phone call, we were rude, we’d showed them up. Later; the affected party said they’d preferred the text.

It sounds like in your case, your DH would have preferred a call - although I think it’d be a very limited number of people who would be on their phone, receive a call, answer it and not want the news. The vast majority of people would not want to spend the appointment worrying about what the news could be.

The issue here isn’t that your MIL text the news, it’s that she sent it immediately before an appointment that she knew about. Whether that is a big issue probably depends on the news itself, whether the scale of it meant she wanted to tell your DH as soon as possible and therefore had forgotten the appointment, how important the appointment actually is, and if she’s got history for “overtaking” special moments.

As it is, though, lots of people prefer getting texts over calls with bad news, for a multitude of reasons; including being able to read, process and respond to it in their own time.

I’m sorry about the bad news. I hope both your DH and your baby are okay.

I think it's awful although if it is the person the bad news has happened to eg the person having cancer, I can get that maybe it's the easiest way. Send the text as opposed to having to face the conversation with people because it's such a huge thing. I wouldn't though.