To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

Only for many that’s even more anxiety inducing.

Depends on the age. As my parents point out when they were growing up bad news was a telegram or letter. A text is no different really, just arrives faster.

Also, are you really suggesting that if someone has received awful news they should be checking you’re sitting comfortably to receive it?

your DM had cancer, but it was all about your feelings and the way she chose to break it to you???

There is no etiquette around the delivery of bad news - it all depends on the people involved and the situation involved. I found out that my sister had died because I rang her at home and my BIL had to tell me that she'd had a car crash and died. I doubt he wanted to have that conversation at that point but he couldn't do anything else because he had no choice. And he couldn't drive down to tell me because, apart from the fact that he couldn't drive, he was in no fit state to do so. The police went round to tell my parents in person because it was passed on to them by my BIL's local force who'd dealt with the crash. I was in no state to tell them because, although I drove straight over to them (fairly local, but I doubt I should have been driving) I had none of the facts - all I'd taken in was that she was dead. As it was they didn't get a clear story from the police at that point - didn't get that till we drove down to BIL. So what was the correct etiquette there? Should BIL have fobbed me off until the police had told my parents? Should he have got someone to drive him to us (parents first or me first?) so he could tell us in person? Should he have texted us to say could we pop down (the 2 hour trip) when convenient?
It all depends on the circumstances, the person delivering the bad news and the person receiving it. There is no etiquette. Your preferences are just that - yours.

so you're saying that firstly, the mother would have been able to ask if he was good to talk in an emotionless way that didn't pique the interest as to what was up?

and secondly, your DH wouldn't be then "what's up, tell me? what's happened?"

because I think if I received a call asking me if I was OK to talk from anyone other than a recruiter, I'd be wondering what they wanted to call me for?

You are absolutely right. I’ll add to that nasty text messages. You have no idea of the timing of those messages. You might write something horrible and hit that person at an incredibly low ebb.

It really depends.

Texting ‘Hi, I’ve just heard from Sarah and Auntie Mary has passed away. Just letting you know. X

That’s fine!

Texting ‘Your Dad’s dead’ is not fine.

I don't think that is any better. I would be so worked up about phoning and what the clearly bad news was that I would be unable to concentrate on anything.

Personally I'd prefer to get a text to give me time to process it, especially rather than have a message like that which would stress me out, and then I'd have to phone back too..

I found out I had cancer on a Wednesday. I took a few days to process it myself and then on the Saturday I drove 200 miles and told my dad in person. I would not deliver that kind of news over the phone or text.

I think it’s fair to have an adult conversation about serious matters.

But then you are prioritising YOU & DH environmental factors (an appointment) and feelings over the ones delivering the news? Surely??

I've delivered and seen delivered bad news many times (ex nurse). The times when someone can't be contacted, not answering etc is bad for the person calling, the spouse of the dying spouse in the hospital calling their child/sibling to let them know to come or the nurse of the poorly patient, especially if its life or death "come now" type news.

It all depends on a multitude of factors
"what" the news is,
who is delivering the message,
how critical that message is,
how upsetting that message will be.
how far away is the caller?
How old are they
How sick are they
Are they alone?

A multitude of considerations are made as to whether its call or text...

Sounds like you and your mil are two different people and have different ways of doing things.

I am assuming that a friend of your dh has died as you say that it does not impact your mil (Could be totally wrong, though.)

Honestly, sounds like she may not have realised how upset he would have been. In all honesty, she probably would have blurted out the news anyway before your dh could have put her off so he would be upset either way.

I think you need to get over how the news was delivered and start focusinfmgvon supporting your husband.

If the news is that bad, does it matter how it was received?

Sounds to me like you’re upset and looking for something/someone to blame.

You seem intent on ascribing bad intent on the actions of your MiL. I’m assuming there’s a back story? If not, just forget it and concentrate on the impact of the news rather than how it was delivered.

It's very difficult to really answer with only part of the story.

I do think though when it's a mother/son situation a phone call would have been more the norm. I cant imagine giving any kind of bad news to my close family by text

When my Dad died I phoned the 'important' people to tell them in person. Yes it's incredibly hard, emotional & draining but it has to be done. Colleagues and wider family & friends were messaged because there was only so many times I could bring myself to say he'd died. Likewise I've heard about the death of people via text but it's been acquaintances or the family of friends

IMO there is definitely a place for delivering bad news via text but I think in this situation his Mum should have phoned

I do hope your DH is ok @Ivorymoon

I think you need to bear in mind that each person involved, both the sender and receiver of the news, will have their own preferences, and sometimes those will not align. And as long as there is no malice aforethought, just appreciate that everyone is doing their best.

My lovely sil tends to send her bad news by text in the evening.
This is fine, and sad, but we have time to process it, she doesn't have to carry our emotional load or support us. We can just get ourselves together and respond and try and support her.

My brother texted me first thing to say my dad had died. Honestly, he'd been very ill and wasn't a very nice man. It meant I could process it, send back a thoughtful, appropriate response and everyone who was upset could carry on being like that without switching their emotions to my lack of tears.

A few years ago my mum sent me a very detailed nasty letter in the post, pointing out the many ways I'd let her down. It was delayed, grabbed from the post box and read on the way to the airport. I never acknowledged or responded to it.
I still have it, reread it every now and then. Each time I do, it puts a little more distance between us.
By writing a lengthy letter it assumes more importance, if it had been a discussion it would have faded into a memory alongside lots of good and bad experiences and events over many years.

Maybe tell us this news? looks like another way for you to dislike your MIL, even your style of writing is very uptight.

I'm with you OP.

When my DP died I was in bits but I still rang every one of those closest to him and started the call with asking those who I knew would be most affected if it was convenient to talk. He'd been in hospital three weeks and the outlook wasn't good so they knew if I was calling it wasn't a happy call.

The problem with a text for news like that for me is that if I received one and it was something devastating it would make me feel very alone. At least you have another human on the end of the phone line to share distress with and it's a connection.

But that's me and other people feel differently.

Sending solidarity anyway x