To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

You must have excellent NHS facilities in your area because I can wait hours to be seen here. Good to realise that some parts of the NHS are functioning so well though.

I agree. I'd probably prefer a text to warn me - need to talk to you on the phone sometime, let me know when is a good time / phone me back as soon as you can.

I can understand if someone has a lot of people to tell, a message is less painful for them, but in that case (in examples i can think of) often someone else takes over that role and phones round.

If this isn't possible, an email with a clear title 'sad news' type of thing to prepare the reader.

It's really really difficult getting bad news via text. My friend lost her baby very late in pregnancy and I found out by group Whatsapp (from another friend) on DD's 4th birthday. It was devastating news and I struggled to get through the day of birthday celebrations and be emotionally present - I KNOW this is selfish but this happened 8 years ago and I still remember the impact.

This is very entitled

I think its more important that the bearer of bad news delivers it in a way which causes as little distress to them as possible when it is something personal to them.

Someone mentioned their mother telling them by text that they had cancer. Clearly more upsetting for the mother.

You really think he wouldn't have picked up on there being something wrong from her voice?

I'd rather get a text, because then I have the time to process whatever has been said, plus I don't have to immediately react on the spot. I think you have to remember, also, that it's difficult for the person breaking the news. Does it really matter how you hear, so long as you get the facts?

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable, albeit on your DH’s behalf. Yes, it was unfortunate timing but there is no good time to receive bad news and how was his mother expected to know the exact time you were going to be called into the appointment for your daughter? You’ve not said what the bad news was but seem insistent that it did not affect your MiL. Are you quite sure? Why did she receive the bad tidings first if it was absolutely nothing to do with her?

Personally, I prefer just to be told bad news, not wait until it’s convenient for me to feel sad or upset because that time is never.

You are giving very snappy responses to all those who disagree with you so I’ll take mine as read so you don’t need to go to the trouble of typing it out. Thanks.

Yes it’s shocking but I personally see it the deliverer’s choice. Friend recently told me on email that her husband (whom I also know well) has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, which is also why she disappeared for a bit and didn’t respond to my previous messages. She then proceeded to apologise profusely for telling me on email. I couldn’t care less how she told me, all I could think was oh, that’s horrible, I’m so sorry, and how difficult everything must be for her family. He is not even 50. I cried for her, didn’t tell her of course, but never once thought ‘why didn’t she call me.’

Op sometimes people making the call cannot hide their feelings.

Twice my DMum has called me to telling me about a death. Both times I'd guessed it was bed news just by the tone in her voice.
She didn't want to tell me the first time because I was driving but I just knew someone had died.

Ideally, it's better to tell people bad news in person or by phone. But things aren't always black and white. And if you phone someone to say, "I need to talk to you - is this a good time?", the recipient is probably going to guess that something is amiss. So the recipient will probably take the call anyway, even if it's not a good time.

If your MIL knew that you had a hospital appointment, she might have deliberately opted for a text message, in case you were in the middle of talking to the doctors.

Also, in this world of social media, news spreads very quickly. If, for example, someone was involved in a car crash, it's probably best to pass on that news as quickly as possible, so the people who should be informed don't end up finding out about it from the news or a local Facebook or Whatsapp page.

You posted this. That hardly describes a mother knowing that her child and grandchild were at a very important hospital appointment.

It’s simple, just a phone call to ascertain at least where the person is before relaying bad news.

Sorry

It's best to phone or tell IRL I think.

Not necessarily. She could just have asked him if he was free to talk, he would presumably have said no, and they could have fixed a time a bit later.

Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

That’s all very well, but it works on the assume that when the person has taken the call and said “Sorry, I’ve got a meeting/doctor’s appointment/train to catch” they will put the phone down, happily get on with what they need to do and then think “Oh yes, Sue rang earlier - better call her back”. It’s rarely that simple. People pick up on nuances. The recipient of the call might be able to tell from your voice that something is very wrong; they might pick up on it from the fact you’re calling in the middle of the working day; they might find it odd you’re calling at all. You say yourself that you generally message rather than calling.

My dad rang with what turned out some terrible news once, not realising I was still on my way home from work. He then refused to tell me and said to call him back when I got home. He was trying to be sensitive, but really, all he was doing was making sure I would worry all the way home instead. Is worrying what the bad news is any better than knowing what the bad news is? I pointed this out and eventually managed to get him to tell me. Yes, it was awful, but sitting on a train processing the news was actually preferable to imagining a range of horrendous possibilities.

I don’t think a text is necessarily any better, but a phone call isn’t the magic solution you think it is either.

I've both delivered and received devastating news. There's just no nice way or time for it to be done. You can pick apart how you would prefer to have it done but it changes nothing. If it had have been after the appointment you'd be thinking I wish she told me a different day so we wouldn't link this memory with our appointment. I hope your husband is coping alright.

OP forgive me if I'm mistaken but did you have a thread the other day which was indicating there was not a good relationship between you and In laws. Is it possible that is colouring your view negatively?

Personally if someone sends me a text or calls me with a message that implies bad news but that they’ll call me later I am just going to get them to tell me right away anyway because I am going to be immediately worried, so I am not totally convinced that your suggested way of doing things necessarily works. In your specific case though I can see that your MIL perhaps should have been more considerate.

More generally though, I think in this day and age it is sometimes more important to get the facts out in the world swiftly, because people are so connected that news spreads really quickly and you don’t want to risk information reaching people in an even worse way.

I was tasked with telling a whole raft of people that my DM had been diagnosed with cancer because I wanted to take that stress away from her, but the idea of making a dozen phone calls when I was also in distress was unthinkable. I sent messages at the best possible time I could think of, apologising for the method of delivery but asking for understanding in the circumstances. If that rubbed people up the wrong way, then frankly, fuck ‘em.

That being said, when it comes to bereavement, which is the big one, I do think that the inner circle (whoever is closest to the person, recognising that this may not always be family) should get a call wherever possible.

I agree with you, Op.
When giving particularly bad news to close family it is best to give it in person or over the phone if you can not do that.

In our family bad news would then be asked to be forwarded on by phone to more remote family members.

When my Mum died, I called: her brother (who called the rest of the huge extended family), her two best friends, her main friend in her social group (who told everyone in the group/club) and that was it. Anyone who fell outside of this, and whom I didn’t know personally got a letter (as most of them were old).

and then you say what? Okay I'll call back later and the perrosn says no no its fine....and then what? I'd say that there is no better way to do it if you can't be there in person