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Original poster

To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

332 replies

Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:22

DH was given some shocking and upsetting news over the weekend, which was delivered from his DM via text. He received this message just before we were going into a health appointment for our baby, so it was terrible timing. He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer and when family members have died. Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

AIBU to think giving someone bad news via text is poor form and should be done over the phone instead? Ideally this would happen in person but this often isn’t possible for a multitude of reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 13:40

TitaniasAss · 01/04/2024 13:36

OP do you think your MIL understood the effect the news would have on your DH? Some people are really quite insensitive and don't understand how upsetting a piece of news can be to someone else, if it's not particularly upsetting to themselves, if that makes sense?

A relative if mine sent me a 'by the way' type of message some years ago and it was something that very much upset me, but they weren't particularly bothered by.

Thank you, yes it was absolutely this. It was life changing information but I don’t think MIL fully recognised how upsetting it would be. DH had to go and cry in the hospital toilet. MIL is not at all malicious, just did not give the situation as much thought as we would have liked.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/04/2024 13:37

she was the messenger for shocking news in relation to my DH only. People keep missing this fundamental point.

I don't think that people are missing this-perhaps finding it difficult to understand how/why such bad news went via his mum?

And why if she has "form" he was reading her text at such a time?

TitaniasAss · 01/04/2024 13:36

OP do you think your MIL understood the effect the news would have on your DH? Some people are really quite insensitive and don't understand how upsetting a piece of news can be to someone else, if it's not particularly upsetting to themselves, if that makes sense?

A relative if mine sent me a 'by the way' type of message some years ago and it was something that very much upset me, but they weren't particularly bothered by.

Original poster
Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 13:36

LittleGreenDragons · 01/04/2024 13:33

So much projection going on in the thread, fascinating!

Oh OP.... we aren't ALL projecting. Which can only mean one thing. You are wrong.

Evidently not when over 50% of respondents agree with me.

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 01/04/2024 13:33

So much projection going on in the thread, fascinating!

Oh OP.... we aren't ALL projecting. Which can only mean one thing. You are wrong.

MississippiAF · 01/04/2024 13:33

Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 13:25

…They can literally pick up the phone and ask. I don’t know what else I can do to help with your evidently lacking comprehension and problem solving skills.

Show quote history

Why doesn’t your DH just not look at his texts when he’s doing Something Very Important?

Original poster
Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 13:33

diddl · 01/04/2024 13:31

So you were both with your baby, about to go into an appointment & he was checking his phone.

Tbh I don't get that!

To check we were going into the right building, yes. The message preview popped up as he was doing this. It is really not at all difficult to understand this.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/04/2024 13:31

So you were both with your baby, about to go into an appointment & he was checking his phone.

Tbh I don't get that!

Notinthemood12 · 01/04/2024 13:31

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 01/04/2024 09:33

After my son died I started calling people (before mobiles) and the selfishness displayed was sickening tbh.

When my daughter died I did message people, I couldn't say the words, I didn't want to deal with other people's emotions, it was selfish, and I didn't really care about anything other than making it through the next minute of my life.

Sometimes people need to be selfish and do things in the best way for them. It's not a crime.

sorry that you’ve experienced not one but 2 horrific losses. Just wanted to acknowledge your post

Original poster
Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 13:30

TitaniasAss · 01/04/2024 13:26

A couple of years ago I would have agreed, but when I was diagnosed with cancer I messaged friends to tell them. I didn't want to go into detail, I didn't really want to talk about it much I just wanted to let people I cared about know. I did call my sister though.

That’s understandable. I hope you have made a full recovery.

In this specific situation it is very different as my MIL was not sharing news about herself, she was the messenger for shocking news in relation to my DH only. People keep missing this fundamental point. MIL was not sharing devastating news about herself, nor did she have to inform anyone other than DH.

OP posts:
TitaniasAss · 01/04/2024 13:26

A couple of years ago I would have agreed, but when I was diagnosed with cancer I messaged friends to tell them. I didn't want to go into detail, I didn't really want to talk about it much I just wanted to let people I cared about know. I did call my sister though.

Original poster
Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 13:25

Otherstories2002 · 01/04/2024 13:16

There is literally no way of doing that.

Show quote history

…They can literally pick up the phone and ask. I don’t know what else I can do to help with your evidently lacking comprehension and problem solving skills.

OP posts:
goldfriarsbabby · 01/04/2024 13:20

BamberBoozlerGrewUp · 01/04/2024 12:59

I think its more important that the bearer of bad news delivers it in a way which causes as little distress to them as possible when it is something personal to them.

Someone mentioned their mother telling them by text that they had cancer. Clearly more upsetting for the mother.

I agree.

Original poster
Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 13:20

PinkIcedCream · 01/04/2024 13:13

I bet you wouldn’t be so annoyed if it was your own mother delivering bad news.

But as it’s your MIL, naturally, whatever she does is plain wrong. 🤦🏻‍♀️

What a bizarre and incorrect assumption. So much projection going on in the thread, fascinating!

OP posts:
goldfriarsbabby · 01/04/2024 13:19

exerciseshmexercise · 01/04/2024 09:26

It depends is the answer for me.

It depends on the person giving and also the person to whom they are telling the bad news.

I would prefer to get a text because I can process it in my own head before phoning them. I have autism and I often struggle with reacting appropriately and I'd prefer to have some processing time first.

My child with autism would prefer the same.

Me too.

Thesoundoflettinggo · 01/04/2024 13:19

I think this fully depends on the person giving the bad news and the person receiving it. Close family members/close friends giving bad news I would expect a phone call. Anyone else and I think a text would be okay.

My step mother text me from my dad's phone to tell me that he had died. I was very close to my dad and my step mother always disliked our relationship, it felt like that was her final way to make me feel shit. I was heartbroken. I'll never forgive her for not even giving me the courtesy of a phone call.

goldfriarsbabby · 01/04/2024 13:19

Completely depends on the situation.

When my Dad died I mass messaged most family. I couldn't speak. I was ranging from crying so much I vomited and feeling frozen.

I was however responsible for delivering the news to the family though, so I did it in the easiest way for me. I absolutely could not have done individual phone calls to about 20 people.

I can't say that the communication preferences of the recipients was on my radar at the time.

whynotwhatknot · 01/04/2024 13:17

depends on situation-as youve decscribed i would have waited then called later

if i had to tell multiple people i would prefer a text

Otherstories2002 · 01/04/2024 13:16

Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 11:44

No I’m suggesting they should be checking they aren’t about to attend an appointment for their baby or something as equally as important, such as a big exam as outlined by another poster.

Show quote history

There is literally no way of doing that.

GinToBegin · 01/04/2024 13:14

I guess it is all very situation specific.

It is. DP’s aunt died recently, her son called DP and was in pieces, no way could he have called and spoken with everyone who needed to be told. DP called his cousin to let her know. I called another cousin to tell her, but the son had already texted her. As I say, he couldn’t have called everyone, but DP and I could, so we did.

I do think calling is preferable, so you can check that the recipient is able to talk/receive the news, but the person who is most affected has to put themself and their needs first.

PinkIcedCream · 01/04/2024 13:13

I bet you wouldn’t be so annoyed if it was your own mother delivering bad news.

But as it’s your MIL, naturally, whatever she does is plain wrong. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Stickyricepudding · 01/04/2024 13:13

I always text to say please call me ASAP as I have something urgent to speak with you about. So I give them a heads up that there is important information I have to convey.

Topseyt123 · 01/04/2024 13:10

I tend to agree with you, OP. Not sure why you are getting such a hard time on here from some.

I'm not comfortable giving that sort of news by text/WhatsApp/messenger. It just feels too impersonal.

If there is no other way then I will text/WhatsApp someone asking them to call me or let me know when it is a convenient and private moment to speak to them, but that's it.

When my DD1 was a uni student I had to get hold of her to advise as gently as possible that my MIL (her grandma) had died. I couldn't risk calling or messaging while she was potentially in lectures so I had to message just asking her to phone me at a convenient moment that morning, which she did. There was no other way as her uni was not near our house, so couldn't meet in person. I know DD suspected what it would be about because it had been on the cards for the last couple of years, so it was upsetting without being totally unexpected. We then did keep in contact by WhatsApp, phone or whatever was convenient about the funeral arrangements.

Thecastle1 · 01/04/2024 13:09

I think in these situations a quick text to say, 'are you free to talk? I really need to speak to you' or something like that, shows it's important but also gives the recipient a chance to reply and say yes, or not right at this second, give me half an hour.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 01/04/2024 13:08

I'm not sure it is any worse than the phone call to the landline just after 6pm from parents. It was the only time they ever phoned and if it wasn't a birthday, you knew someone had died or was in hospital.