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Original poster

To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

332 replies

Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:22

DH was given some shocking and upsetting news over the weekend, which was delivered from his DM via text. He received this message just before we were going into a health appointment for our baby, so it was terrible timing. He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer and when family members have died. Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

AIBU to think giving someone bad news via text is poor form and should be done over the phone instead? Ideally this would happen in person but this often isn’t possible for a multitude of reasons.

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 01/04/2024 09:46

My mum does the same. Either a text or email. But phones us for completely trivial stuff.

Original poster
Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:45

exerciseshmexercise · 01/04/2024 09:43

How can you say she isn't affected by having to deliver terrible bad news that came at the worst possible time for your husband (according to your op)? Of course she's going to be affected if she's delivering news of that magnitude.

Obviously. But the news directly impacted him so he needed more consideration.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 01/04/2024 09:45

Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:41

This bad news only affected my DH so there would be no other calls. I guess it’s very situation specific but I’m surprised how many people think it’s fine to drop bad news over text.

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I assume you are more worried by how this affects you more than anything but it is between him and his mother

And you are talking in code

shearwater2 · 01/04/2024 09:45

When my dad died, I or my mum phoned people who had been close to him or told them in person. For everyone else (and after we had told close family and friends) I put a post on Facebook.

concernedchild · 01/04/2024 09:44

Also just to add, just because the news doesn't affect her, doesn't mean it won't upset her.

When my nan died, my dad had to tell me and my brother. He was upset, of course, but he's very good at keeping his feelings internal. He got choked up and cried because he was having to deliver earth shattering news to his children, and he hated that.

It's very possible his mother also felt that way

Taxidriverinfront · 01/04/2024 09:44

I prefer a text to an awkward phone call.

exerciseshmexercise · 01/04/2024 09:43

How can you say she isn't affected by having to deliver terrible bad news that came at the worst possible time for your husband (according to your op)? Of course she's going to be affected if she's delivering news of that magnitude.

OhmygodDont · 01/04/2024 09:43

Trying to ponder what news mil could possibly have that would only affect him not her but she would be the one to need to give frankly.

If someone’s died that dh needs telling about via mil it’s someone she knows too. Same as a hereditary medical condition her or someone she loves must be affected.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 01/04/2024 09:43

Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:29

No he would not have answered. He would have called her back when we were out of the appointment. Which would have been vastly preferred.

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So he would have ignored his mothers call?
What time was the text?
Often, people getting a call from someone at an unusual time means there is some type of news
I'm not for texts but IMO, DM may have been very upset and as others said, just blurted it out

Wishing your DC good health!

Mrsjayy · 01/04/2024 09:42

Well you are not going to share what the news was that had zero impact on your husbands mother, so posters are just going to assume she is also affected.

concernedchild · 01/04/2024 09:41

YABU but you're going to sit and argue until you're blue in the face.

That's his mother. Who had to tell him upsetting news. No doubt that was hard for her. It's not about you, or your child. It's about your husband and his mum. Instead of being angry at your mother in law, support your husband.

Original poster
Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:41

exerciseshmexercise · 01/04/2024 09:35

The person giving the bad news has every right to deliver that bad news in the way that works best for them.

Damn right I didn't want to be ringing loads of people individually to tell them bad news.

This bad news only affected my DH so there would be no other calls. I guess it’s very situation specific but I’m surprised how many people think it’s fine to drop bad news over text.

OP posts:
exerciseshmexercise · 01/04/2024 09:41

I texted people when my mum died. Because I couldn't speak without choking up.

I even texted my adult children. Because it was the middle of the night and I didn't want to wake them.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 01/04/2024 09:41

AntonFeckoff · 01/04/2024 09:40

I think we need to know more about the news to comment on whether it was appropriate or not.

I agree

SophiaElise · 01/04/2024 09:40

My family does this all the time. I guess people see text as equivalent to phone these days.

AntonFeckoff · 01/04/2024 09:40

I think we need to know more about the news to comment on whether it was appropriate or not.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 01/04/2024 09:39

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 01/04/2024 09:28

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

They have the right to protect their own feelings.

Sometimes people have to give bad news. Sometimes you just have to get on with it.

Original poster
Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:39

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 01/04/2024 09:33

After my son died I started calling people (before mobiles) and the selfishness displayed was sickening tbh.

When my daughter died I did message people, I couldn't say the words, I didn't want to deal with other people's emotions, it was selfish, and I didn't really care about anything other than making it through the next minute of my life.

Sometimes people need to be selfish and do things in the best way for them. It's not a crime.

That makes sense in your situation. Sorry for your losses, that sounds impossibly hard.

This situation is different in that my DH was directly affected by the news in the way his mother would not have been. I guess it is all very situation specific.

OP posts:
NotTram · 01/04/2024 09:39

I think it's fine to do this. Not everyone likes to make phone call.

Magnastorm · 01/04/2024 09:39

Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:36

Evidently not but it should have been.

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Pretty selfish attitude, don't you think?

Mrsjayy · 01/04/2024 09:39

Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:35

The bad news directly impacted my DH not his mother. It is avoidant.

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I mean it might have had some impact on his mum if she had to deliver the news she's a human being.

OhmygodDont · 01/04/2024 09:38

Text is normally easier all around. The sender doesn’t need to remain strong or composed, the receiver can mull over before responding.

Malarandras · 01/04/2024 09:38

I had to tell some people that my husband died and I did it via text. I didn’t have the capacity to phone people repeatedly nor did I have the capability to even think about how the news might land. I was still in shock at the time.

lanabana · 01/04/2024 09:38

It definitely depends on the person you are talking and the news you are giving. It's far too variable for a simple answer.

I have already spoken to my adult DC about how things should be delivered to them, particularly if they are at work and both have said they would rather a text first to let them know it's important and they need to call me.

CKN · 01/04/2024 09:36

Having to give bad news is always difficult whether it’s by phoning or texting and his mum may have sent the same text to several people at the same time rather than phoning each and everyone to say the same thing over and over again.