Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

332 replies

Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:22

DH was given some shocking and upsetting news over the weekend, which was delivered from his DM via text. He received this message just before we were going into a health appointment for our baby, so it was terrible timing. He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer and when family members have died. Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

AIBU to think giving someone bad news via text is poor form and should be done over the phone instead? Ideally this would happen in person but this often isn’t possible for a multitude of reasons.

OP posts:
KitchenDancefloor · 01/04/2024 09:55

Talk about shooting the messenger!

There is no perfect way to deliver bad news. Have a little empathy for your MIL who, unless there is an abusive backstory, did what she thought best in that moment.

Time to move on and support your family rather than dwelling on how the message was delivered.

Personally, I prefer to have bad news delivered in writing so I have a chance to process it alone.

Needanewname42 · 01/04/2024 09:54

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 01/04/2024 09:33

After my son died I started calling people (before mobiles) and the selfishness displayed was sickening tbh.

When my daughter died I did message people, I couldn't say the words, I didn't want to deal with other people's emotions, it was selfish, and I didn't really care about anything other than making it through the next minute of my life.

Sometimes people need to be selfish and do things in the best way for them. It's not a crime.

Bless you I'm so sorry to read that. I can't imagine how horrendous it must be to lose two children

NearlyBritishSummertimeYay · 01/04/2024 09:54

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 01/04/2024 09:33

After my son died I started calling people (before mobiles) and the selfishness displayed was sickening tbh.

When my daughter died I did message people, I couldn't say the words, I didn't want to deal with other people's emotions, it was selfish, and I didn't really care about anything other than making it through the next minute of my life.

Sometimes people need to be selfish and do things in the best way for them. It's not a crime.

@InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow

both/two of your children died, I'm so sorry 🌷. You didn't owe anyone their preferred communication, just what you could cope with

@Ivorymoon I think you're being very selfish. He's an adult, she's allowed to put her own needs first now.

i hope your child is ok??

Motnight · 01/04/2024 09:53

Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:50

I very much am. It’s simple, just a phone call to ascertain at least where the person is before relaying bad news. Not sure how you find that so complex.

And if that person says "I am out and about" do you then make them wait for the news? Who makes the decision?

The problem is that there's never a good time to tell people bad news. It's a horrible situation to be in for everyone, but I don't think that you can dictate around this, Op.

lanabana · 01/04/2024 09:53

WhatTheFuckIsThat · 01/04/2024 09:46

My brother told me, by text, that his daughter has got a brain tumour. He followed that up, a few days later, with a text saying it's cancer. I find it quite odd, but then he IS odd.

Edited

Your brother told you his daughter had a brain tumour and you waited for him to 'follow it up' a few days later 😳

That is one of the coldest things I have read on this forum to date.

Mrsjayy · 01/04/2024 09:52

Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:50

I very much am. It’s simple, just a phone call to ascertain at least where the person is before relaying bad news. Not sure how you find that so complex.

He could have not opened the text and waited or did you want his mum to wait and worry till he answered the phone ?

Birch101 · 01/04/2024 09:51

Sorry but what we do in that situation is contact the partner so DM would have contacted you and you would break it to DH

Awful news is horrible to read especially as you say when you have no idea its coming

If there is no partner and no way to break news F2F we send a message saying need to chat can you let me know when your home

It's like breaking up - we need to talk is code for bad news

concernedchild · 01/04/2024 09:51

@Ivorymoon do you care about your husband? Or is it just the fact that the news came at an inconvenient time to you?

Mrsjayy · 01/04/2024 09:51

WhatTheFuckIsThat · 01/04/2024 09:46

My brother told me, by text, that his daughter has got a brain tumour. He followed that up, a few days later, with a text saying it's cancer. I find it quite odd, but then he IS odd.

Edited

His child has cancer and you find it odd that he didn't tell you in person do you not think he had enough to deal with?

I had a good friend tell me they had cancer over messanger for weeks we communicated like that because she didn't have the emotional energy to talk to me.

Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:50

shoppingshamed · 01/04/2024 09:48

What would have people do, make some kind of contact to say they have bad news and how would the recipient like it to be delivered?

you aren't thinking about this sensibly

I very much am. It’s simple, just a phone call to ascertain at least where the person is before relaying bad news. Not sure how you find that so complex.

OP posts:
shoppingshamed · 01/04/2024 09:49

WhatTheFuckIsThat · 01/04/2024 09:46

My brother told me, by text, that his daughter has got a brain tumour. He followed that up, a few days later, with a text saying it's cancer. I find it quite odd, but then he IS odd.

Edited

Talk about making something all about you!

Minfilia · 01/04/2024 09:49

I’d probably prefer a text on balance.

Mainly because IME the people who deliver bad news to me wouldn’t ever call unless it was bad news, so I’d drop everything to answer the phone already KNOWING bad news was coming. I’d much prefer a text as that’s a more normal form of communication in my life, and would give me time to digest properly before replying.

Probably not for things as serious as a close death though.

Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:48

Mrsjayy · 01/04/2024 09:47

A text is giving him space and consideration to process the news.

It did not. It just provided more questions.

OP posts:
exerciseshmexercise · 01/04/2024 09:48

FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain · 01/04/2024 09:48

When I was 21 and having to call all the family and friends to tell them my mum had killed herself I really wished I could have done it by text.

I didn't because like you say it's not the kind of news to deliver by txt but saying those words over and over and over again nearly broke me.

I am so sorry.

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 01/04/2024 09:48

WhatTheFuckIsThat · 01/04/2024 09:46

My brother told me, by text, that his daughter has got a brain tumour. He followed that up, a few days later, with a text saying it's cancer. I find it quite odd, but then he IS odd.

Edited

You're so right, you should absolutely have been the main consideration there 🤔

DildoDaggins · 01/04/2024 09:48

I’d actually prefer a text to a phone call. Perhaps it was easier for his mum to text as she was upset?

Our dog died last year and we were both so devastated that we couldn’t speak about it without sobbing, so we sent our kids (at uni) a text on the family WhatsApp.

When my dad died, I emailed the news to some of his family. This was easier for me as I don’t really know them or have a relationship with them.

shoppingshamed · 01/04/2024 09:48

Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:36

Evidently not but it should have been.

What would have people do, make some kind of contact to say they have bad news and how would the recipient like it to be delivered?

you aren't thinking about this sensibly

FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain · 01/04/2024 09:48

When I was 21 and having to call all the family and friends to tell them my mum had killed herself I really wished I could have done it by text.

I didn't because like you say it's not the kind of news to deliver by txt but saying those words over and over and over again nearly broke me.

familyissues12345 · 01/04/2024 09:48

My DH's step mother sent a message on the family group chat to say his Dad had died. It was expected, but a shock how quick it happened - and how she worded it / did it !

exerciseshmexercise · 01/04/2024 09:47

WhatTheFuckIsThat · 01/04/2024 09:46

My brother told me, by text, that his daughter has got a brain tumour. He followed that up, a few days later, with a text saying it's cancer. I find it quite odd, but then he IS odd.

Edited

You can't imagine why your brother might struggle to get the words out that his child has a brain tumour and then it has been confirmed as cancer?

AntonFeckoff · 01/04/2024 09:47

WhatTheFuckIsThat · 01/04/2024 09:46

My brother told me, by text, that his daughter has got a brain tumour. He followed that up, a few days later, with a text saying it's cancer. I find it quite odd, but then he IS odd.

Edited

Are you for real? Confused

Mrsjayy · 01/04/2024 09:47

A text is giving him space and consideration to process the news.

AnotherBankHolidayMonday · 01/04/2024 09:47

I prefer text. It gives me time to process the news and get my thoughts together before speaking.

WhatTheFuckIsThat · 01/04/2024 09:46

My brother told me, by text, that his daughter has got a brain tumour. He followed that up, a few days later, with a text saying it's cancer. I find it quite odd, but then he IS odd.

exerciseshmexercise · 01/04/2024 09:46

Ivorymoon · 01/04/2024 09:45

Obviously. But the news directly impacted him so he needed more consideration.

How? Please can you explain because I really don't get it.