Maternity pay finances

No, tell him you’ll be returning to work asap and HE needs to sort out childcare for HIS child!

It's not really a marriage, is it?

“When I was pregnant we discussed how we were going to cover our bills this year”

Well that was you first known mistake, though sadly choosing him at all was probably a prior mistake 😕

This should have been agreed before planning a child, and anything less than enthusiastic agreement should have put those plans on hold.

Right now, the important thing to do is to hold your line. Do not be bullied into using your savings - frankly you’ll need those when you leave him, because he’s shown his true colours. Call his bluff - if he won’t pay more, then the bills go unpaid.

What have you agreed for how childcare is paid? Please tell me you’ve agreed that 🫣
Think very carefully if you’re planning to return part time.

Are there no joint savings to cover the period of maternity leave? That would be the best way to cover this period. He is being unreasonable to expect you to pay in the same as you usually do when your income has more than halved due to maternity leave .

He really didn't think through having a baby and is being selfish.

For comparison, my DH covered everything when I went on SMP and unpaid and insisted all baby stuff went on the joint account.

We arent rich, far from it. The way we saw it, it was best for baby to be with me for the full year and it wasnt much extra in the bank for me to go back to work and pay nursery costs.

He also did 5050 at home and nights because his 9-5 job was work, mine was the baby.

My point is that some men will willingly put their family first, others are selfish and dont see why they should pay for you to have "time off" because they fundamentally have an attitude problem that sees parenting and maternity as a free holiday and they resent it (whilst simultaneously having no appetite to do it themselves and are either inept at looking after their own kids or act like heroes for "babysitting".

Sadly I think you have the latter husband and should prepare yourself for a long haul. It's not on that he is acting like he thinks you are being mean and taking his money while you sit on your arse with the baby all day and he pays for it.

Just to add, don't settle for the 'we'll both pay 80%' This sounds fair on the surface but unless you're earning the same it isn't!
Typically, the man will progress his career quicker as he doesn't need to take time off for mat leave or work part time, meaning he will earn more and have more personal spends. Don't fall for it!

We take equal fun money and share the rest - why would you not, we are a family and our responsibilities are equal.
When I was on mat leave we just pooled everything with no separate fun money cos we couldn't afford it - absolutely no way was I being told I had to "contribute my usual share" when I was receiving a quarter of my usual pay. That WAS my contribution, it was all I had!
Luckily my husband is not a tight twat and understands that by having a family together we are a team. He earns twice as much as me and we still just share it

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

We started off in the same position as you, earning similar amounts. We used savings to cover my mat leave. DH then took over all of the bills when I dropped down to part time. By this time he was earning much more than me.
I kept my wages but used them for our savings, stuff for the kids, holidays etc. Basically it was our fun money. Fast forward to Covid & I lost my job. Had no access to any money even for a food shop as we didn't have a joint account.
We did then set one up and we've worked out how much we should both pay in to be left with an equal amount of personal spends. Works much better.

I think if you don't sort this out properly now then you are storing up problems for the future. I would give him a harsh ultimatum - either joint finances or an expensive divorce.

He really needs to start behaving like a grown up.

What others have said. plan the escape and return to work asap. This will not get better. He doesn't see you as a family unit.

Out of interest - how do you plan to share our childcare fees? Has this been discussed? if not, we can tell you how that will go.

Tbf I’m also astounded that you’d be splitting the food bill on mat leave and “asking” your husband for money, what happens when you go down to no pay for the last portion? Surely the most sensible thing to do is just share when you become a family? My husband just shares everything with me and vice versa so if/when I hopefully go on maternity leave, he’ll be funding the whole thing no questions asked, including baby classes/treats for me etc.

OP, if you’re married you’re legally a family unit, so the law dictates resources are shared, so just tell your husband you need a joint account and he needs to step up and pay while you’re not working. And for anyone else reading, make sure you have these conversations BEFORE you get pregnant.

You had a baby with your roommate

Exactly this. Mine is doing the same. We sat down to work things out and I suggested I pay a quarter of the rent (which is pricey due to living in the home counties). DH immediately said he would pay all the rent, most of the bills, for petrol and any eating out we did as a family. We split groceries in half. He's also tried to take the council tax off my hands but I've not let him, because it's comfortably within my mat leave budget. And he's asked me to tell him if I need money multiple times.

I'm astounded that a man can see a woman go through pregnancy and labour, see her caring relentlessly for their new child, and treat her the way the OP's husband treats his wife.

Are you a high earner OP? Childcare is going to blow your budget when you go back to work. FYI - he's a twat and it's not likely to get any better!

Any outgoings out of your personal accounts for subscriptions (if shared), debts, car, insurance, fuel, phones needs to come out of the joint calculation too for both of you.. Not out of personal spends.

I'd be doubting my decision to have a child with him and certainly wouldn't be having any more. My dh covered bills I would normally pay and I went back to work before it got to no pay. With dd2 I took the full year and he covered, I spent my money on classes with dd2 and the odd expense that came up. He also paid for nursery for our older two when I returned to work as overall for our family it was better for me to return (financially and mentally for me).

Your situation doesn't bode well.

Charge him babysitting. Following your figures, you are currently losing about £1k a month? Then charge him half that. Then you can pay more into the joint account...

Um, has he missed the point that it's his child as well as yours? Did it not occur to him when you agreed to have children that they would affect the household finances?

So for example last month I received £840 and he received £1,900. Total: £2,740. We needed to collectively pay out £2,200 which leaves £540, meaning we each keep £270. So I did 840-270 and paid out 570 whereas my husband did 1900-270 and paid out 1630

This is exactly fair. You also mention a car, which unless it is never used for his benefit (grocery shopping, family days out etc) then that's also a joint cost surely.

OMG what am I reading?

Does he know the child is his?

Does he realise you are saving him hundreds, even thousands, in childcare each month?

How can you bear to be married to such a miserly, scrooge toerag?

On top of this, this type of 'man' usually has no issue using you as a domestic slave whether that's doing the majority of the cleaning, cooking, childrearing. I mean why would he? You grew a whole human and pushed it out, but in his eyes you've done nothing worth his support.

I got somewhat lost amongst all your figures, but the gist is clear: this man doesn't have your back, he is not a family man, and he is entirely focused on feathering his own nest.

You can leave him now, or do so 10 years down the road, at which point you'll be worn out, skint, and without career prospects.

Think and plan carefully, but act sooner rather than later. This is unlikely to get better.

Do not use your own personal savings to contribute more to the family pot. That's crazy.
As PP, you need to return to work FT, and to make sure he covers half the childcare costs, and does half the domestic chores.
If you return to work PT, the joint family pot needs to cover the difference in pension contributions between your FT and PT wage. Don't let having a baby mean you are financially disadvantaged.

Goodness. I’d be going back to work and squirrelling away money for myself and my child. His behaviour around this is concerning and is not supportive of you or your child whilst you are on maternity leave. Can you really live your whole life with someone like this? What is he going to do when you have to pay for childcare? Or god forbid when you go out for the day with your child and they want an ice cream- are you going to make sure that you pay him your half of that?!
In all seriousness I’d be having a conversation with him about this and seeing what his answer and reaction is. Make sure you are doing the sensible thing for you and your child. All the best.

His behaviour is concerning op. He should be recognising that you are not able to contribute the same financially for a few months as you are doing the full childcare.

I earn a lot less than my DH and I tried to split everything as equally as I could until our DC started nursery and then i couldn’t afford it anymore, so DH paid for more food shops.

I’m on mat leave right now and when I stop being paid full pay, my DH will take over more of the bills and mortgage, as my statutory pay doesn’t even cover my half of the mortgage. This is only for a few months and yes I have savings, but these will be used to my pay my half of holidays or when we need to replace the boiler or the car etc.

What was your agreement before you pregnant?

Also going against the grain, but I think it’s incredibly stupid to have a joint account with anyone. My DH have some bills in our own names and then I transfer him some extra money each month to make it more even.

I don't understand this at all, surely if you're a family unit you have joint finances?

And tell him that you are going back to work full time & that you fully expect him to & he will do 50% of all the chores & childcare & pay 50% of nursery/childminding fees & other child related stuff (clothes, shoes, kids hobbies & their entertainment)