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Original poster

Alternative to PIL Dorset suggestion for my birthday?

89 replies

pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:04

I have a milestone birthday coming up. Context is I asked PIL as well as my mum did they want to come on hols with us with our 3 and 5 to - really fancy all inc, Mallorca. They declined, as it’s just not their kind of holiday - no problem at all, they enjoy self catering, I despise it (as for me it’s just same shit different location with kids). So we’re going with my mum, looking forward to it.

PIL have a holiday house in Dorset which we have been to when we still lived in the uk - we live in Europe now. Tonight they suggested that perhaps ‘for my birthday’ they could pay for flights for us to come over and we all go and stay in their holiday home and they could babysit while we go out for a meal. This sounds nice for everyone else involved, but I am so very not keen, for the reasons that the holiday home has no outside space at all, it’s in Dorset and it was pretty boring last time and I’m sure it will be boring this time too, I’m sure the kids will enjoy it but it’s my actual birthday and a milestone one at that so in my heart of hearts I don’t really want to go to alllllll the effort of getting a flight to travel to somewhere I find bloody boring, then traipse around doing kids activities / dispensing snacks etc. This sounds very much like my normal life but with more inconvenience. Its also complicated by 5 yo DS being a handful (he’s on the diagnostic list for ASD).

I think I’m also a bit hurt at this being dressed up as something ‘for me’ when it’s actually just a nice break for them to spend time with the kids - they know I hate self catering, they know why. They know I would love eg… a spa night away, tickets to see a show in London, to visit somewhere I’ve not been before - they know I don’t really enjoy a lot of the drudgery of having small children and that I’m in that phase at the moment, they’re not short of a few bob… so why suggest something they must know I wont actually enjoy myself?

So - MN, I am trying to think of an alternative that they and I would both enjoy and would be nice and allow them to spend time with the kids. I’m conscious they miss them. Any suggestions? DH is being no help and seems to think I’m being U, but I don’t actually like the garden-less holiday home and the (imo) dull location much. I’m sure there are better alternatives.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 01/04/2024 00:23

I don't think you sound bratty at all. They didn't go to Mallorca as it's not their kind of holiday. Fair enough. So you don't go to Dorset as it's not your kind of holiday. And indeed not much of a holiday at all self catering with little kids somewhere you've no desire to go. Enjoy your all-inclusive with your mum and catch up with in-laws in London when it suits you to go there. They can enjoy their Dorset home at their leisure. If they were that arsed about seeing the kids and celebrating your birthday they'd have accepted your invite.

Original poster
pandarific · 01/04/2024 00:23

@Saintmariesleuth that’s what I’m concerned about. I think PIL will sulk/pout and I will get shitty text messages along the lines of ‘ We were just trying to do something nice’. They have form.

OP posts:
Natty13 · 01/04/2024 00:16

Send your husband with the kids to stay with his parents, you either stay home or go to the UK with them and do a spa on your own/see friends/whatever.

Some time off from "being mum" is what I would have wanted at those ages.

gavisconismyfriend · 01/04/2024 00:13

How about DH and the kids go to Dorset and you go to a spa?

Saintmariesleuth · 01/04/2024 00:12

Thank you for the offer PILs, but we have already got the trip to Majorca planned and can't afford/can't take time off work for/ insert other reason another trip. I'm looking forward to seeing you <<onnextplanneddate>> though

I think this offer is less generous than it initially appears knowing your thoughts on self catering etc, but if you go in to explaining that, you will unfortunately look bratty and unreasonable. I think a polite but cheery thanks but no thanks is needed to preserve family relations here. Hope you enjoy Majorca

Manyandyoucanwalkover · 01/04/2024 00:11

Dorset is one of my favourite places to visit. It has so much to offer in terms of beautiful countryside and beaches, country pubs, and many attractions. We like to visit Poole Harbour and get a boat trip to Brownsea Island. We’ve done the hop on hop off bus trip from Poole to Bournemouth. We like Rick Steins in Sandbanks. We like the beach at Weymouth and the boat trips from Weymouth harbour. We take the ferry over to the amazing Studland Bay. Corfe Castle is definitely worth a visit. You can pick up the steam train there, which takes you to stunning Swanage.

The Swannery at Abbotsbury is amazing. From there head to Burton Bradstock and West Bay. Lyme Regis is a fabulous seaside town, with a beautiful beach. Just over the border into Devon is the Donkey Sanctuary which is free entry and full of information and news about their work. The donkeys are really cute too.

Original poster
pandarific · 01/04/2024 00:06

@jeaux90 right?? And trying to avoid them breaking anything / staining anything as PIL Airbnb it the rest of the time. So then you have to cart the kids off out to the small park down the village to allow them to run around. Oh joy.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/04/2024 00:02

pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:31

@innerdesign yeah as a PP said, we’ll have to fly in, pick up rental car, drive to holiday home… I just don’t want to!

I’ve been thinking about suggesting London? I’ve never been to Kew Gardens. We could go to the natural history museum. DD might be a bit small at 3, but at least DH and I could catch a show or something.

I was already thinking London before you posted this.

I'd say something like, "Oh thanks PIL, that's a really sweet idea. The only thing is, your holiday cottage really isn't that easy for us to get to. What about doing a weekend together in London instead? I would really like to visit Kew Gardens, the Natural History Museum, maybe even catch a west end show with DH if you wouldn't mind babysitting for a night. What do you think?"

TeenLifeMum · 01/04/2024 00:00

How did you make Dorset boring? There’s so much for dc - maybe do some research?

Surely it’s the same a visiting in laws but they’re paying and it’s in their holiday home rather than their main home. Re it being for your birthday, I think I’d ask dh to say “self catering with the dc at these ages is so stressful I don’t think it’ll work for a birthday treat For dw but maybe we could do that another time… (suggest when).”

dancingdaisies · 01/04/2024 00:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

jeaux90 · 31/03/2024 23:59

I posted earlier but also why would you take young kids to a holiday home with no outside space. Big hard no.

UncomfortablyBig882 · 31/03/2024 23:58

Nah, just say no. That sounds like my idea of hell. None of that is in any way enjoyable for you. Say maybe next year or two, and keep saying that for years.

AllotmentTime · 31/03/2024 23:58

Is it a conflict over which bit of this is "for your birthday"? The PIL perspective being - you presumably visit occasionally anyway, so this time, they're offering some free babysitting.

If they genuinely think that Dorset is your idea of a milestone birthday celebration then I'd explain that nice as it is (grit your teeth if you have to 😂) you want to go somewhere new this time.

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2024 23:57

CheapMustard · 31/03/2024 23:53

So sorry. I hate to be rude, but honestly you’re sounding a bit bratty.
You live in Europe, you have Mallorca, Dorset is fabulous… it would be odd if they have a holiday home somewhere quite dreadful. Maybe ask for some Dorset pointers from here. You’re a lucky lady, enjoy!

Jeez!

Doesn't matter how 'fabulous' somewhere is if you don't actually want to go!

Is there anywhere you don't want to go? I can think of quite a few places which I bet others think would be wonderful

And if the weather carries on being this bad I wouldn't want to be anywhere like that

olympicsrock · 31/03/2024 23:55

I agree - trip to Chewton Glen ( gorgeous luxury hotel and spa) for you and DH while PIL take the kids to their holiday home.

Original poster
pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:55

My MIL is constantly suggesting that I do things she wants to do as a treat for “my” birthday. It’s usually things I despise, but then I feel like a cow for declining.

This. This is exactly it! it pisses me offffff.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 31/03/2024 23:55

pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:31

@innerdesign yeah as a PP said, we’ll have to fly in, pick up rental car, drive to holiday home… I just don’t want to!

I’ve been thinking about suggesting London? I’ve never been to Kew Gardens. We could go to the natural history museum. DD might be a bit small at 3, but at least DH and I could catch a show or something.

My DGC loved the Nat History museum at 3! And there's lots of other things they'd probably enjoy

jeaux90 · 31/03/2024 23:54

OP just say no. Or fly into Gatwick and rent a house near Camber Sands/Rye.

You can get into London easily on the train. you and DH have a night there to celebrate.

Rye is a lovely town, great small galleries and restaurants.

Camber a lovely beach for the kids.

London with small ones also fun though!

CharlieBoff · 31/03/2024 23:53

I get you! My MIL is constantly suggesting that I do things she wants to do as a treat for “my” birthday. It’s usually things I despise, but then I feel like a cow for declining.

However, for your milestone birthday I don’t think you need to suggest an alternative at all - you’ve organised your holiday, they didn’t want to go, so that’s that. You shouldn’t have to cause yourself massive inconvenience just to placate them

CheapMustard · 31/03/2024 23:53

So sorry. I hate to be rude, but honestly you’re sounding a bit bratty.
You live in Europe, you have Mallorca, Dorset is fabulous… it would be odd if they have a holiday home somewhere quite dreadful. Maybe ask for some Dorset pointers from here. You’re a lucky lady, enjoy!

Original poster
pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:51

@innerdesign I’ve booked and arranged and paid for my Mallorca trip myself. It’s just context, nothing to do with this other trip.

I don’t particularly want to go anywhere else, this has been sprung on me this evening and I’m trying to think of a compromise that I, as well as everyone else, would actually enjoy. I can pay 30 euros and get a babysitter tomorrow if I want, or I can ask my mum - it’s not a big deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
pandarific · 31/03/2024 23:48

@innerdesign but isn’t a gift supposed to be for the delight of the recipient? I think I’m annoyed that, as you say, what they're suggesting is an obligatory family trip but saying it’s ‘for my birthday’. So if I suggest an alternative more to my liking, then I’m the arsehole. Feels like a bit of a trap, you know?

OP posts:
innerdesign · 31/03/2024 23:45

toomanyy · 31/03/2024 23:44

So OP’s birthday present should be her doing something she doesn’t want to do?

Show quote history

No, the present part would be the free babysitting and night away in a spa (which PIL may or may not pay for), and also the holiday to Majorca. How many presents and trips does a grown adult need for her birthday?

toomanyy · 31/03/2024 23:44

innerdesign · 31/03/2024 23:42

Yes I understand and I'd have to fly to Southampton too (we don't all live in the south), but I'd just view it as an obligatory family visit for my birthday with a bonus spa night, and the Majorca trip as my actual birthday trip. It's a gift from PIL so the only way to change it would seem ungrateful. Just graciously accept.

Show quote history

So OP’s birthday present should be her doing something she doesn’t want to do?

innerdesign · 31/03/2024 23:42

toomanyy · 31/03/2024 23:27

OP lives in Europe. OP would have to FLY to Southampton to get this day of babysitting. Sounds absolutely useless.

Show quote history

Yes I understand and I'd have to fly to Southampton too (we don't all live in the south), but I'd just view it as an obligatory family visit for my birthday with a bonus spa night, and the Majorca trip as my actual birthday trip. It's a gift from PIL so the only way to change it would seem ungrateful. Just graciously accept.

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