Alternative to PIL Dorset suggestion for my birthday?

Well then it's not actually a birthday gift and they shouldn't pretend it is one.

Much better.

But what separate other thing do you think that you will ever do with the ILs to celebrate your birthday? It's clear that you both have very different ideas of enjoyment.

So why not accept the gift as it comes and use the money saved by not having to pay for flights yourself towards the Majorca trip, or another trip of your choosing.

What about something slightly more blunt?

"Hi Mum and Dad. We'd love to come down to Dorset and spend the weekend together as a family some time, that would be lovely. But this is supposed to be for Panda's birthday which means it should be something she really wants to do. It should be a treat for her, rather than something for the benefit of the whole family. When you have young kids a weekend away in a holiday home is often just more of the same stuff you do at home, in a different location. What Panda would really like for her birthday is to do something completely different. She'd love a weekend in London visiting Kew Gardens and seeing a show."

YANBU and your ILs sound selfish. I really hate it when people give gifts that are actually things they would like themselves, but they know damn well, if they give it ANY thought whatsoever, that it's absolutely NOT what the recipient would want! For your birthday you should have what you want (AI in Majorca). Your ILs declined, because it's not what they want, which is fine (although tbh I think I'd suck it up for a week for the sake of my DIL and spending time with my GC). But having declined, they don't then get to impose their holiday on you. Fuck that!

R4Rnbowrose Bournemouth isn't exactly pretty!what. 7 miles of sandy beaches,clear seas and plenty of good restaurants. We have thousands of visitors here every year!

Where is the holiday home in Dorset ?
I live in Dorset so might be able to help you enjoy it more with some local info on things to do ?

Just say no, that doesn't work for us. Would you like to come and see us here instead? The kids are so much comfier in their own home . . .

It's not a "treat" for you it's manipulation so the PIL can spend time with DH and your DC.
"We'll pay for your flights and you get free accommodation in our holiday home" that's hard to say no to as you look ungrateful.
They could go to Mallorca and join in the fun but they're quite happy to decline that invitation as it doesn't suit them so otoh you should also be free to decline their invitation.
You need a few more years under your belt, I'm in my 50's, spent most of my life doing things I didn't want to do to please others but now I just say no, it's very freeing!
I would tell DH exactly the reasons you've stated on here and let him sort it, I would not pack up two adults, 2 DC, flights & a car journey to do something that I know I'd hate.
Don't look for a compromise or excuse, say it loud and proud "we're going to Mallorca to celebrate my big birthday and PIL are very welcome but I'm not going to Dorset"
Good luck

Where is there actual house? You need to turn down Dorset as a 'for your birthday' treat and at the same time arrange a date to go and visit them so they can see the kids tell me there actual house has a garden. I have no idea of your kids needs but taking a 3 and 5: year old (one potentially on the spectrum) to London sounds like another trip of hell tbh....

I wonder for how long the PILs agonised over turning down your invitation to join you in Mallorca? Not long I bet. So don't sweat it OP, likewise they've made a suggestion that isn't your kind of thing so turn it down gracefully but firmly - "thank you for the suggestion, but self catering isn't something we'd consider".

My husband tends to view invitations as obligations and ties himself in knots. When our daughter got engaged her fiancé's parents invited us to stay so we could all meet. The weekend was ok but we're really very different people. After the weekend they phoned and invited us to join them on a villa holiday with some of their friends. We barely knew them and had never met their friends. It was a simple "kind of you to offer but no thank you" from me but DH got so wound up - "it's going to be difficult to say no", "how can we say no?" etc. This is just one example of many.

It's an invitation not a summons, so just gently "It was a kind thought, but not our kind of holiday".

Honestly I think you're being a bit precious.

Yes I get that going to their Airbnb is not really a treat for you, but they want to see you all and are offering to pay for flights. I would go because you know that's what they want. There must be one nice hotel and spa in Dorset for a night away surely. Tell DH as it's allegedly your birthday trip he is in charge of DCs and making sure they don't break anything/taking them out frequently.

Just a message of solidarity. Having spent ten years holidaying with the in-laws or my mum in the UK at their preferred locations I was extremely done by the time it was over - and I don't even mind self-catering (to me hotels with small children are a ballache, but that's my preference not yours and exactly the point!) Taking children to non-child-friendly accommodation- no garden?? - is absolutely shite.

I would say a cheerful no, while reminding them passive-aggressively that they turned down your extremely generous offer of Majorca. Ignore any text nonsense and enjoy your birthday. Then I'd propose London as a separate family trip, not your birthday.

Just joining in on the Dorset dullness. We've been invited to a relatives Airbnb for a family get together.
One night, insufficient beds, journey is four hours one way, has a garden with an unfenced water filled ditch at end not within sightline of the house.
I know it's important for the family to gather, very generous host,etc but it's going to be a long 24hours with a ton of logistics, cooking, cleaning and very little actual having a weather dependant nice time.

Yes exactly. The fact OP says 'they’re not short of a few bob…' sounds like she feels entitled to have more spent on her than they've offered.

Do your PiL know that you hate self-catering holidays (they may feel that inviting you to stay with them is a break for you), Dorset and their holiday home? As they presumably like the holiday home and its location, they may think they are offering you a treat. You can decline their offer, of course.

Can't they come to you for a weekend and babysit?

Why don’t you just be honest with them and say that you would love to do something with them but not their holiday home as it’s really not very practical with the kids at this age . Then either give them some alternatives or let them suggest something . This way it’s an excuse that can last for years . Where do the PIL live usually , is that nice ?

I assume if they rent it out it is in a reasonably nice part of Dorset. There are some lovely places in Dorset. I would go there and use it as a base so you can go off and do your own thing whilst DH and in-laws look after the kids.

At the risk of sounding crass, I think you need to be careful about budget here. They are only really offering to buy your flights. It would be very rude of you to counter with anything that suggests they spend more money than that. Maybe flights plus hotels and show tickets, or a spa break, is just too expensive.

I think a cheerful "no thank you" would be fine. Or decouple it from your birthday and do the trip for the sake of the kids seeing the GPs, paying for your own flights, in the summer when you can do beach trips etc. You could even get the train up to London and do a couple of days there while you're over, with or without GPs as they or you choose. Or fly into Gatwick instead and top and tail the trip in London. You'd resent it a whole lot less if you were "allowed" (for want of a better word) to see it as a duty rather than a treat.

I think finding compromise accommodation is going to stay difficult for some years. It costs a lot compared with an existing holiday home and your ILs could be quite offended if you insist on staying elsewhere. Your husband pulling his weight on catering and bedtimes can help a lot towards making SC a bit more of a break for you.

Can you not just say “You know that’s not really my thing, PiL. But we could do it for your birthday in xxx, if you like?”

Then you have the obligatory family trip, which I assume you occasionally make anyway, planned out AND you cover doing something for their birthday too.

You're being ridiculous. OP isn't "bratty" for feeling less than enthusiastic about a holiday her PIL want to give themselves using the pretext of her birthday.

OP - why not book something fabulous near where you are for your actual birthday, then DH takes the kids separately sometime you have work obligations. Just tell them thanks but nit this time.

@pandarific I don't think you are being bratty at all. Let the in laws pout a bit, I think bright and cheery will lessen the pout and sulking period (although I would enjoy the silence). Better to politely put your foot down than go on an awful trip and probably snap at them then. Will DH have you your back on this?