Husband on phone the whole fucking time he’s with the children

not even at 1 years old? They do need supervision surely?

The irony of OP furiously typing away on a MN thread whilst criticising her DH for being on his phone is not wasted

I wonder how he'd feel if you were doom scrolling during sex! (Less positive way to frame the issue!)

Wtaf. How can you think to compare these situations. My mind actually boggles - I can only assume/hope you don't have small kids.

If he's not engaging / chatting / helping / saying "oooh cool castle you've built there buddy" then that's really bad for them.

I strongly disagree. It's not been proven that children need this multiple times an hour, not at all.

There's an argument that doing this reduces the intrinsic drive to creativity and curiosity (ie Buddy only builds a castle to get praise rather than out of curiosity).

Kids do not need constant parental hovering. They really don't. And it's really only a recent thing that anyone expects it.

@Wooloohooloo , OP says he has been getting up early with the children throughout her pregnancy so she can get some extra sleep .

It puzzles me that you've had/are having so many children with a man when you know little about his parenting techniques. Is the first time he's looked after the children?

And do you work? If you divorced, you may have to work to support yourself financially and it isn't a given you'd have the children more than your husband- he may want 50/50 or close to it.

I could not agree more.

“I need therapy because my dad let me play with my toys while he ignored me at 5 am for 2 hours a day when I was a toddler.”

In an otherwise happy and loving home, it’s extremely offensive to those who have experienced trauma to compare this. It’s below average parenting, not abuse or neglect.

This could be solved by the OP and her husband retraining their children’s routines. I would (and did) treat 5 am as they did if they woke at 1 am. It is not morning time or play time, it’s nighttime. Unless they’re going to bed at 5 pm, mine would not be getting enough sleep if they woke at 5 am. I do appreciate some children don’t need 11-12 hours sleep.

Interacting and playing games with your children at 5 am is fun for them, so they have no motivation to go back to sleep. They’ve not been encouraged to go back to sleep or stay in their rooms because being up with mummy or daddy is much more exciting!

Under usual circumstances, I would say this was pretty below par parenting. However, the man is getting up at 5 am to give his pregnant wife a rest and then going to do a full day of work. If OP ends up a single parent, she could indeed see how easy it is to all do that, if she wants??! I would let this slide given the time of day. If the children are otherwise getting interaction, they won’t be psychologically damaged by a couple of hours.

'So many defensive people in denial on this thread. Yes, you, habitually scrolling on your phone in front of your children. You are psychologically harming them in a profound way. You are causing them trauma and they will need therapy when they are older. Dismiss it all you like but maybe have a look at the scientific evidence first.'

5am. It is 5am. As the op has a terrible sleep routine going on with them, all they can do is manage the early wake ups. As they don't seem to do what everyone else does and tell them to stay in bed or bring them into bed with them then ignoring them and not interacting is the best way forward. To play and chat would be madness.

The op should not be policing her dp's parenting unless she never uses her phone in the DC's presence at all.

So, the only time he spends with them, he chooses to spend watching random stuff. And this distracts him enough that he doesn't hear them talking to him, and doesn't notice accidents.

It's crazy so many people are defending this.

On the off chance you read this far, OP (wouldn't blame you if you didn't, so many repeated points and failure to read properly!):

I wonder what his memories of his father are? Good memories of doing things together, or someone distant who never took an interest? It might be a way to raise the issue without him feeling attacked.

I wonder how he'd feel if you were doom scrolling during sex! (Less positive way to frame the issue!)

Can he spend more quality time with them during the weekend?

YANB remotely U.

Kids are probably sent to bed too early. Keep them up later!

And they don't need to be helicoptered at 5 am for a few hours either IMV.

My parents were Silent Generation, not Boomer. Yes my mom smoked around me. She had the telly on all day long. She'd talk to her best friend on the phone every morning for a couple of hours. She didn't hover over me and engage me in constant conversation. I spent every sunny day outside getting into scrapes. But she was keenly interested in my well being. My father was fortunate enough to be home during school holidays as he was a teacher, so I saw him a lot, too. He spent his spare time reading, watching television and took an hours long walk every day. But my memories of him as a child was very involved with me.

Both of my friends parents were available to me when I needed them. They listened to me with interest. They were loving... You don't have to be eyeballs on 24/7 to do that.

And absolutely not at 5am.

So many defensive people in denial on this thread. Yes, you, habitually scrolling on your phone in front of your children. You are psychologically harming them in a profound way. You are causing them trauma and they will need therapy when they are older. Dismiss it all you like but maybe have a look at the scientific evidence first.

It's a form of withdrawl called bystander ignorance and it is seriously damaging. No, you are not multi-tasking, that's not how your babies see it when they glance up at your blank vacant face staring at this thing that you carry everywhere and they interpret as more important than them.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/321168013_The_influence_of_parental_smartphone_use_eye_contact_and_'bystander_ignorance'_on_child_development

https://academic.oup.com/hcr/article/49/3/285/7010694

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563217303722

https://journals-sagepub-com.bris.idm.oclc.org/doi/full/10.1177/2050157919846916

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8048888/

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_happens_when_you_use_your_phone_around_your_kids

When our kids grow up they will be shocked and horrified in the same way as our reaction to Boomer parents smoking around us.

The fact someone has a video running in there phone doesn’t mean we are engrossed and ignoring what’s going on or engaging with what’s around them
I’m watch tele at the same time as being in here

I hear you and agree.

It's an awful message for kids that a caregiver is ignoring them for 2 solid hours. If he's not engaging / chatting / helping / saying "oooh cool castle you've built there buddy" then that's really bad for them.

The picture painted isn't a one off. It isn't occasionally.

It's 2 solid hours every single day.

And he lied about it

Jesus you sound like hard work

I agree with this.
If you're not happy get up and do it yourself. Between 5 and 7 no rules apply about screens.

I would however say that this can't be great for his mental health but that's another problem...

The waking up at 5am. Absolutely.

2-3mins long = Youtube shorts. They autoplay on your feed as you scroll down. They also autoplay if you don't scroll actually, like if you put your phone down and leave it unlocked. They're not videos – it's hard to find videos under 10mins on Youtube these days.

I'd say damaging if constant but for 5am, or emergency times like sitting next to your child on an early plane/train, I think it's fine – what's the difference between that and say reading?

It's dumb to send your child to bed at a time that means they wake up at 5am anyway

Surely you’d not allow him to carry on supervising your children knowing he had done this though? Which by her own admission she has done. She only decided to delve into the depth of his phone use once the child had been hurt but had already witnessed him ignoring the children previously. Zero sympathy from me I’m afraid if this truly is the case. Both as bad as one another. Posters like yourself seem to be incensed by the fact (rightly so) that he’s done it, but not at the OP for letting him looking after them knowing he’s done it. Why is that, because she’s a woman? Why is the standard of parenting lower for men than it is women?

I completely agree. To be fair I do think she said something about viewing the shared access internet which shows a full break down of what videos are played and for how long. Although as pp have pointed out, YouTube/facebook/instagram shorts play on loop automatically so it’s difficult to ascertain how much or little he’s actually focusing on the children. Im not trying to disprove what she is saying but I find it odd that a man who is willing to get up in the early hours to give his wife a break could also be neglecting his children to the extent the OP claims. Generally, as seen time and again on here, if your OH is that much of a shit they won’t give you a lie in at all especially spontaneously. Obviously he should though and he’s not a saint for doing the right thing morally. I must admit with regards to the internet breakdown, I’ve never personally heard of such a thing. I do think to research that far into it is batshit IF you have seen/heard for yourself that your husband has been ignoring your children in favour of their phone multiple times. I absolutely agree, everything in moderation is important otherwise restrictions lead to unhealthy obsessions such as restrictive diets and eating disorders. There’s nothing wrong with screen time in moderation with other activities in the daytime. These days with young school children being taught subjects like coding through the national curriculum it’s pretty much unavoidable but can be sensibly monitored. The OPs husband needs to find the adequate balance between using his phone and supervising his children. On the other hand, the OP needs to stop policing his internet access because it’s controlling and a deeply unhealthy behaviour to expose her children to. He’s not doing anything wrong by using his devices in his own home, he’s obviously the main breadwinner and entitled to unwind how he wishes. Albeit, not whilst he should be watching his children. The issue for me is that she’s policing it because she doesn’t believe they should be around it at all but presumably she knew his hobbies before choosing to have three children with him and they all live in the same house.

@MeinKraft she has. You can select to view only the OPs posts.

@Zoreos not to mention the OP hasn't managed to tell us how she came across this information. It's pretty obvious she went into his phone and checked his phone history to be able to see which YouTube videos he's been watching and when.

Sometimes people become so fixated on their views on children's health and development that they can't see the woods for the trees - like keeping on with breastfeeding when your baby is losing weight and you're developing PTSD. Or when your obsession with screen time causes your husband to watch YouTube in secret and the whole thing spirals until your family falls apart.

I assume he’s going out to work so getting breakfast, ready and heading out the door by 8am for a full day?

I think it’s easy for everyone to say how he should spend his hours in the morning. Not knowing what he does for work, but maybe he is conserving his energy for the day ahead. Obviously neglecting the children isn’t ok, but I think there’s a compromise here and maybe you should be asking him if he’s ok rather than being silently angry about it.