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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband on phone the whole fucking time he’s with the children

437 replies

Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 20:49

I’m heavily pregnant and extremely hormonal so want to check I’m not overreacting…

DH has been getting up early with our small children throughout my pregnancy. Amazing - what a great dad. So helpful for me to have an extra 1-2 hours in bed. Right?

except that I’ve just learnt that day in, day out, he is, from 5am-7am, just watching YouTube videos on his phone. And they are short videos, 2-3 mins long (eg about football or tv shows or films). So it’s not something he has on in the background (which tbh I also wouldn’t find ideal as 1 and 3 year old need supervision and attention and it isn’t setting the best example/they aren’t allowed screen time in the morning). He has just been actively doomscrolling and watching stuff for hours on end. For months.

I am a SAHM and I have to say this just isn’t parenting for me. I found out he was doing this for a window at the beginning of my pregnancy, explained I didn’t think this was alright and if he didn’t feel up to getting up I would rather do it myself/not do this. He said he understood/agreed. So I trusted him
not to do it. And I find out he has all along!

I totally get some people have different bars for what they do/let their children do and I am not judging for that but AIBU to think I should be able to trust my husband to do what we fucking agreed with our children?! I feel like an idiot I would have rather been up at 5am myself. It explains a lot of things too - DS having a bump etc and him not knowing how it happened, or me sometimes waking up to hear DS communicating but not able to hear my husband responding for several minutes.

OP posts:
DarcyHargrove · 31/03/2024 21:56

Weird that so many people aren’t able to doomscroll and watch children at the same time. I would 100% be flicking through TikTok at that time of morning but more than capable of responding and interacting with my kids if they need me. 2 hours is not that long to be playing independently.

Caravaggiouch · 31/03/2024 21:56

ButterflyKu · 31/03/2024 21:54

Is this sarcasm or are you being serious? I can never tell lol

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I’m being a bit flippant but basically I think it’s good for children’s development to be left to crack on with it themselves for part of the day. (Particularly at such an ungodly time of the morning!)

ButterflyKu · 31/03/2024 21:54

Caravaggiouch · 31/03/2024 21:46

I totally credit myself and my early morning doom scrolling/TV watching/book reading while mildly ignoring her for DD’s excellent skills at independent and imaginative play. 😀

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Is this sarcasm or are you being serious? I can never tell lol

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:54

arethereanyleftatall · 31/03/2024 21:52

I guess it all does depend entirely on what they are doing then.
Which like you say, you don't know.
I'd be inclined to find that out first.

Because for me, independent playing on their own is just about the best thing they can be doing for their development.

When my kids were that age and doing that, I deliberately and actively stepped back to let them crack on.

What did you do during that time, out of curiosity?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:53

ButterflyKu · 31/03/2024 21:52

Well guess what, we’re all different people including your DH who clearly doesn’t think the same. How does it make a difference if he reads a book straight for 2 hours or decides to be on his phone? You don’t actually know if he’s on his phone for 2 hours, all you’ve done is check the internet usage. YABU imo

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The usage is like this
video 1 5.01
video 2 5.04
video 3 5.06

for 2 hours. It’s pretty clear!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:52

moleeye · 31/03/2024 21:49

YABU

Mine were early risers and it's the only way to make it through.

You're coming across really badly with a very pious attitude

i don’t mind - I think it’s my tone but I’m not meaning it how it’s coming across. But also it’s bound to sound pious because I’m criticising something lots of parents do (and as I said, I used to struggle with too)

OP posts:
ButterflyKu · 31/03/2024 21:52

Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:45

I don’t think being on your phone/watching something for 2 hours straight is parenting, no. Regardless of how well your children play alone - but that’s just me!

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Well guess what, we’re all different people including your DH who clearly doesn’t think the same. How does it make a difference if he reads a book straight for 2 hours or decides to be on his phone? You don’t actually know if he’s on his phone for 2 hours, all you’ve done is check the internet usage. YABU imo

arethereanyleftatall · 31/03/2024 21:52

I guess it all does depend entirely on what they are doing then.
Which like you say, you don't know.
I'd be inclined to find that out first.

Because for me, independent playing on their own is just about the best thing they can be doing for their development.

When my kids were that age and doing that, I deliberately and actively stepped back to let them crack on.

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:52

JennyBeanR · 31/03/2024 21:51

YABVU. Being sleep deprived is awful and it's freaking hard work to start at 5am. If the kids are ok and there's no other big issue (and this isn't an all day thing), I think you're out of line to try to dictate that he can't be on his phone. As another poster said, what if he read a book? A newspaper? Is it that you don't approve of what he's watching on his phone?

I’ve answered that. And again - I would rather be the sleep deprived one then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:51

FatChance14 · 31/03/2024 21:49

Okay, so the usage says 100% but you actually have no idea if he was staring at the screen solidly for those two hours. You're making it sound like he was in zombie mode but you don't know if he was putting his phone down/looking away and chatting to DC.

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No, that’s fair. But the videos were 2-3 mins long so he was obviously spending a lot of time getting new videos to put on. For the entire time period. I think people are not really understanding what I’m saying - it’s not like a bit of casual football score reading or a little tired scrolling it’s totally full on. That’s why I’m so annoyed - the extent of it. It’s not some sort of wild blanket ban but 2 straight hours of videos is bullshit.

OP posts:
JennyBeanR · 31/03/2024 21:51

YABVU. Being sleep deprived is awful and it's freaking hard work to start at 5am. If the kids are ok and there's no other big issue (and this isn't an all day thing), I think you're out of line to try to dictate that he can't be on his phone. As another poster said, what if he read a book? A newspaper? Is it that you don't approve of what he's watching on his phone?

moleeye · 31/03/2024 21:49

YABU

Mine were early risers and it's the only way to make it through.

You're coming across really badly with a very pious attitude

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:49

LadyCrazyCatLady · 31/03/2024 21:48

I'm actually surprised that most of the responses seem to be that YABU as I really don't think you are.

DCs don't need entertaining all of the time, but it's also a shame when they look up at their parent and are never acknowledged as their parent is glued to a phone.

i have been guilty of this and worked really hard to stop doing it. It’s a huge problem and I think people are massively in denial about it!

OP posts:
FatChance14 · 31/03/2024 21:49

Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:45

I don’t think being on your phone/watching something for 2 hours straight is parenting, no. Regardless of how well your children play alone - but that’s just me!

Show quote history

Okay, so the usage says 100% but you actually have no idea if he was staring at the screen solidly for those two hours. You're making it sound like he was in zombie mode but you don't know if he was putting his phone down/looking away and chatting to DC.

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:48

Changingplace · 31/03/2024 21:45

It’s 5am and you honestly think he should be more present? You’ve contradicted yourself saying you don’t want him to actively engage with them either because it’s too early, make your mind up.

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I was responding to someone saying he shouldn’t be doing some sort of daddy day care entertainment level. Which I don’t expect him to. I’m not expecting firing on all cylinders but I’m also not expecting fecklessness!

OP posts:
LadyCrazyCatLady · 31/03/2024 21:48

I'm actually surprised that most of the responses seem to be that YABU as I really don't think you are.

DCs don't need entertaining all of the time, but it's also a shame when they look up at their parent and are never acknowledged as their parent is glued to a phone.

nameshame24 · 31/03/2024 21:47

KalaMush · 31/03/2024 21:03

Sorry but I think YABU. I had two early risers. Anything it takes to get you through to 7am is fair game and doesn't count as normal parenting!

I agree!

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:47

arethereanyleftatall · 31/03/2024 21:44

So I've been a teacher now for twenty years. Bear with me. It has been shocking how kids have steadily declined in being able to think for themselves. Even 'as a treat you can have 5 minutes extra play time' is now met with 'but what shall I do.'
I think it comes from an incessant need to entertain them at all times. You don't say what your dc are doing op, but you haven't said that they are on screens too which I think you would have. Which means they are probably, mostly, just playing quite happily by themselves. Which I would say is a million times better for their imaginations than being entertained 24-7.

I am not sure what they are doing. That’s the issue. DS1 has over the period of time had a bump and quite a nasty scratch (took a month to go) unaccounted for and as I say I have woken up to him being totally ignored on occasion. But as a PP said I’m not convinced they are just playing happily for 2 hours on their own and not using the iPad. I just don’t know. They generally play really well independently but I don’t think that means it’s ok to totally clock out for 2 hours (the only 2 hours he has with them a day)

OP posts:
Changingplace · 31/03/2024 21:47

arethereanyleftatall · 31/03/2024 21:44

So I've been a teacher now for twenty years. Bear with me. It has been shocking how kids have steadily declined in being able to think for themselves. Even 'as a treat you can have 5 minutes extra play time' is now met with 'but what shall I do.'
I think it comes from an incessant need to entertain them at all times. You don't say what your dc are doing op, but you haven't said that they are on screens too which I think you would have. Which means they are probably, mostly, just playing quite happily by themselves. Which I would say is a million times better for their imaginations than being entertained 24-7.

Agreed, it’s good for kids to learn to entertain themselves or even (shock horror) be bored!

Caravaggiouch · 31/03/2024 21:46

ButterflyKu · 31/03/2024 21:40

I despair at how people parent / no wonder children have so many behavioural issues and teachers are on their knees

Because some parents don’t see the issue with being on their phone whilst their children are awake at the crack of dawn?😂😂😂 are your children not able to play with their toys by themselves? I must be the worst mum of the year because when my kids get up early, I lay on the sofa (or watch a show on my phone) whilst they trod around the house and entertain themselves. I guess they’re going to have behavioural issues now <shudder>

I totally credit myself and my early morning doom scrolling/TV watching/book reading while mildly ignoring her for DD’s excellent skills at independent and imaginative play. 😀

Crabble · 31/03/2024 21:46

Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:33

can you honestly not see the difference between using the loo/checking your phone a bit, and being on it 100% of the time whilst looking after your children?!

I despair at how people parent / no wonder children have so many behavioural issues and teachers are on their knees

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Initially I had some sympathy with what you were saying, but having read this comment I think you sound judgmental and unpleasant.

Changingplace · 31/03/2024 21:45

Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:37

He does - which is why he’s had months from me hailing him as the best and most supportive father and husband! this is his only time with them all week as they are asleep when he’s home so it’s also a shame he doesn’t want to be present for it!

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It’s 5am and you honestly think he should be more present? You’ve contradicted yourself saying you don’t want him to actively engage with them either because it’s too early, make your mind up.

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:45

ButterflyKu · 31/03/2024 21:40

I despair at how people parent / no wonder children have so many behavioural issues and teachers are on their knees

Because some parents don’t see the issue with being on their phone whilst their children are awake at the crack of dawn?😂😂😂 are your children not able to play with their toys by themselves? I must be the worst mum of the year because when my kids get up early, I lay on the sofa (or watch a show on my phone) whilst they trod around the house and entertain themselves. I guess they’re going to have behavioural issues now <shudder>

I don’t think being on your phone/watching something for 2 hours straight is parenting, no. Regardless of how well your children play alone - but that’s just me!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 31/03/2024 21:44

So I've been a teacher now for twenty years. Bear with me. It has been shocking how kids have steadily declined in being able to think for themselves. Even 'as a treat you can have 5 minutes extra play time' is now met with 'but what shall I do.'
I think it comes from an incessant need to entertain them at all times. You don't say what your dc are doing op, but you haven't said that they are on screens too which I think you would have. Which means they are probably, mostly, just playing quite happily by themselves. Which I would say is a million times better for their imaginations than being entertained 24-7.

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:44

LadyCrazyCatLady · 31/03/2024 21:42

YANBU. I agree that phones are addictive and both DH and I have fallen victim to them over the years. When you 'zombie out' by scrolling through videos you can miss DCs looking up to you and communicating and this can't be good for them so ideally, they shouldn't be used like this often in front of the DCs. Now and again, but not 2 hours every morning.

It also unfairly puts the onus on you to have to do everything, because you can't trust your DH to look after them properly. Weaponised incompetence.

On the other side of the coin - I'd be working on teaching your DCs to stay in bed a bit longer. When my DCs got up really early at that age, we'd leave the lights off and tell them to stay in bed. Might put an audio CD of fairy tales or something on for them but the repeated message would be "we wake up at 7am".

Will def give another go to the lights off stuff and fairy tales - it worked for our eldest. 3 year old could probably be convinced - it’s the 1 year old who is the issue and I suppose since he’s up anyway the 3 year old might as well be but absolutely will try to focus on it! Thanks

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