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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband on phone the whole fucking time he’s with the children

437 replies

Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 20:49

I’m heavily pregnant and extremely hormonal so want to check I’m not overreacting…

DH has been getting up early with our small children throughout my pregnancy. Amazing - what a great dad. So helpful for me to have an extra 1-2 hours in bed. Right?

except that I’ve just learnt that day in, day out, he is, from 5am-7am, just watching YouTube videos on his phone. And they are short videos, 2-3 mins long (eg about football or tv shows or films). So it’s not something he has on in the background (which tbh I also wouldn’t find ideal as 1 and 3 year old need supervision and attention and it isn’t setting the best example/they aren’t allowed screen time in the morning). He has just been actively doomscrolling and watching stuff for hours on end. For months.

I am a SAHM and I have to say this just isn’t parenting for me. I found out he was doing this for a window at the beginning of my pregnancy, explained I didn’t think this was alright and if he didn’t feel up to getting up I would rather do it myself/not do this. He said he understood/agreed. So I trusted him
not to do it. And I find out he has all along!

I totally get some people have different bars for what they do/let their children do and I am not judging for that but AIBU to think I should be able to trust my husband to do what we fucking agreed with our children?! I feel like an idiot I would have rather been up at 5am myself. It explains a lot of things too - DS having a bump etc and him not knowing how it happened, or me sometimes waking up to hear DS communicating but not able to hear my husband responding for several minutes.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 31/03/2024 22:08

Playing unsupervised

Surely your house living room
/playroom is safe for kids to play in and not be watched every minute

Your dh sounds lovely. He gets up at silly o clock and gives you a lie in and you aren't happy

But by all means you get up at 5am to
Play with your kids

Whattodo112222 · 31/03/2024 22:08

Not saying its right or wrong, however agree with previous poster who comments on you being overbearing. I bet you swoop in and take over a lot of the time.

Yes, to sit there and consistently watch two hours of YouTube is piss poor, but you can't dictate what he does when he parents.

You sound very much like it's my way or the highway.

JanewaysBun · 31/03/2024 22:08

I have used a sleep consultant due to bad sleeping patterns and one thing she highlighted was that we all semi wake up 4-5am but we then go back to sleep and forget it. So kids sometimes dont do that because of habit or overtiredness so they cant settle when they semi wake up.

I will DM you the consultant as she although my kids arent amazing now they are better than the horrors they were! @Hormonalorjustified

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 31/03/2024 22:08

Can you imagine the howls of outrage if we were talking about a husband monitoring his wife's phone usage and complaining she's not parenting right?

FatChance14 · 31/03/2024 22:07

Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 22:04

Any ideas re getting a 1 year old to stay in bed I would love to hear! I feel we have tried everything but happy to try more 😃

Show quote history

Are the DC in the same room? Is one waking the other one up? If so, can you separate them? And is the room dark enough – is the early daylight disturbing them? Our DD used to wake up early and it drove us to despair until we realised the cat was scratching at her door to wake her so she'd wake us up and he could get fed! We locked him in the kitchen overnight and she slept through to 7.30!

stripes92 · 31/03/2024 22:07

YABU 5am is still nighttime imo and if I had to be awake I'd be mindlessly scrolling too, that's way too early for involved parenting. Get a Groclock and train your children to stay in bed til 7am.

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 22:06

Crabble · 31/03/2024 22:00

YouTube is usually set to autoplay so another video will automatically come on after one has finished.

If this is the kind of parenting that you “despair” of, you have lived a very sheltered life and clearly have no idea of the genuinely very difficult family circumstances thousands of children experience. You may not think it’s great parenting and you may wish he didn’t do it, but if it makes you “despair” then you have lost all sense of perspective.

Show quote history

my Life is sheltered, yes, but it’s all relative and my parenting is based on my own life and standards. Like everyone else’s.

OP posts:
AgingDisgracefullyHere · 31/03/2024 22:06

Is the house on fire? Is anyone bleeding?

Calm down and leave him to it. They're his kids and he is their parent. YABU

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 22:04

JanewaysBun · 31/03/2024 22:02

At 5am it's survival mode, i have slept on the "early shift" on the sofa before. If this is 9am etc i would agree with you. Plus doesn't he then do a long day at work?

You need to sort out the DC sleep before the next one arrives! Sleep training/sleep coach/whatever you can, having kids wake at 5am every day is hell!

Any ideas re getting a 1 year old to stay in bed I would love to hear! I feel we have tried everything but happy to try more 😃

OP posts:
Pickledprawn · 31/03/2024 22:04

Sorry but at 5am I think he is entitled to scroll on his phone. If it's going on all day that is a different matter. If it wasn't his phone it would be a newspaper or a book etc I don't really see the big deal.

FatChance14 · 31/03/2024 22:03

if my husband and I did get divorced, re childcare hours as I’m going to start getting up with them I’ll be having them 100% of the time during the week anyway so that’s not going to make a different to me 😃

Except he'd have them at weekends and you won't have access to his internet usage to check up on how he's parenting them in his time, in his house...

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 22:02

Winifredduck · 31/03/2024 22:01

I agree it isn't OK for him to constantly be glued to his phone. It sounds like he's addicted(like so many). Yanbu.

There have been a few phone addiction issues with him in the past

OP posts:
JanewaysBun · 31/03/2024 22:02

At 5am it's survival mode, i have slept on the "early shift" on the sofa before. If this is 9am etc i would agree with you. Plus doesn't he then do a long day at work?

You need to sort out the DC sleep before the next one arrives! Sleep training/sleep coach/whatever you can, having kids wake at 5am every day is hell!

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 22:02

Caravaggiouch · 31/03/2024 21:58

Leaving aside that this is an insanely detailed level of internet monitoring, doesn’t YouTube auto play the next video once the one you’re watching finishes? Or at least the algorithms present one for you to click play on? I don’t think this confirms that he’s actively searching for video after video as opposed to just mindlessly scrolling/letting it run. Maybe he is, but it doesn’t seem like you’ve got that proven.

Show quote history

this is a valid point - does that happen if you leave the phone screen unlocked? And they are unrelated videos?

OP posts:
Winifredduck · 31/03/2024 22:01

I agree it isn't OK for him to constantly be glued to his phone. It sounds like he's addicted(like so many). Yanbu.

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 22:01

JennyBeanR · 31/03/2024 21:57

Fine, you might well find yourself as a single parent with that attitude though! You will need to compromise with parenting. You posted here for opinions, I would sit back and think about it if I were you.

Show quote history

It’s good to see other opinions, yes. But I feel like posters are deliberately ignoring quite a few aspects of what I’m saying.

these are the only 2 hours DH sees the children during the week. They are very early but this is all they have for quality time.

if my husband and I did get divorced, re childcare hours as I’m going to start getting up with them I’ll be having them 100% of the time during the week anyway so that’s not going to make a different to me 😃

people are really ignoring the trust impact of this. I think if he had just been straight with me “I think this is fine” and had the opinion people on this thread have we could have had a proper discussion about it. As it is he misled me about What he was going to do/what he’s been doing and no, I don’t think that’s alright. Even if IABU and people think I’m pious or a bitch etc. I think it’s important to trust and know what your partner is doing with you children, even if you don’t agree with it

OP posts:
Crabble · 31/03/2024 22:00

Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:53

The usage is like this
video 1 5.01
video 2 5.04
video 3 5.06

for 2 hours. It’s pretty clear!

Show quote history

YouTube is usually set to autoplay so another video will automatically come on after one has finished.

If this is the kind of parenting that you “despair” of, you have lived a very sheltered life and clearly have no idea of the genuinely very difficult family circumstances thousands of children experience. You may not think it’s great parenting and you may wish he didn’t do it, but if it makes you “despair” then you have lost all sense of perspective.

Hoiugvvv · 31/03/2024 21:59

I wouldn’t care if my partner was watching videos untill a more normal hour as long as they’re not neglected , ie sitting in a pooey nappy or not fed. There’s the whole day to play games and be productive.

CheshireCats · 31/03/2024 21:59

You sound very judgmental and controlling. He gets up with them, his rules.

Caravaggiouch · 31/03/2024 21:58

Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:53

The usage is like this
video 1 5.01
video 2 5.04
video 3 5.06

for 2 hours. It’s pretty clear!

Show quote history

Leaving aside that this is an insanely detailed level of internet monitoring, doesn’t YouTube auto play the next video once the one you’re watching finishes? Or at least the algorithms present one for you to click play on? I don’t think this confirms that he’s actively searching for video after video as opposed to just mindlessly scrolling/letting it run. Maybe he is, but it doesn’t seem like you’ve got that proven.

Original poster
Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:57

FatChance14 · 31/03/2024 21:57

The issue is actually that you have two children who think it's okay to get up at 5am every morning. Sleep training them not to is far more important than booting your husband out for watching videos first thing when he's had to get up at an ungodly hour.

Also, you haven't answered the question a few PP have asked: is this an every day situation and is he going to work after getting up at 5am?

Show quote history

I have answered that, I think twice.

OP posts:
Hoiugvvv · 31/03/2024 21:57

I didnt do anything when my child got up at 5am I laid on the sofa and let my child play. It’s too early and I hate mornings, if they need me to do something or get breakfast I will but I’m not playing at 5am. Also as my child got older if they woke earlier than 7 I’d give them an iPad in my bed and go back to sleep so you’d judge me.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/03/2024 21:57

I can't honestly remember. Probably a mixture of things. Chores/chill/exercise. But I do remember seeing them play and then quietly backing off before they saw me.

FatChance14 · 31/03/2024 21:57

Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:51

No, that’s fair. But the videos were 2-3 mins long so he was obviously spending a lot of time getting new videos to put on. For the entire time period. I think people are not really understanding what I’m saying - it’s not like a bit of casual football score reading or a little tired scrolling it’s totally full on. That’s why I’m so annoyed - the extent of it. It’s not some sort of wild blanket ban but 2 straight hours of videos is bullshit.

Show quote history

The issue is actually that you have two children who think it's okay to get up at 5am every morning. Sleep training them not to is far more important than booting your husband out for watching videos first thing when he's had to get up at an ungodly hour.

Also, you haven't answered the question a few PP have asked: is this an every day situation and is he going to work after getting up at 5am?

JennyBeanR · 31/03/2024 21:57

Hormonalorjustified · 31/03/2024 21:52

I’ve answered that. And again - I would rather be the sleep deprived one then.

Show quote history

Fine, you might well find yourself as a single parent with that attitude though! You will need to compromise with parenting. You posted here for opinions, I would sit back and think about it if I were you.

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