Husband on phone the whole fucking time he’s with the children

It’s not that he works or that standards are low, it’s that it’s bloody 5 am! They’re both responsible for this and could do more to keep their children asleep and in bed.

The part around the 1 year old being injured during the 5am to 7am shift doesn't quite add up. Surely if injured as badly as the OP reports (took months to heal) the commotion from the injury would have been enough to wake OP and for her to see what was going on there and then.

If not a lot of crying, then it's possible that the youngest did hurt themselves, without much fuss, and not necessarily because they were being ignored.

I don't think anyone is advocating being on phones throughout the day, whilst caring for babies and/or children. As a pattern of behaviour it can be damaging and lead on to other issues. But this a different, very specific scenario, we're talking about a small window where the children should really be asleep.

There has been exaggeration on OPs part, he can't be on his phone for a solid 2 hours if he's breakfasting and changing 2 small children during this time. I think OPs views on screen time in general is colouring her response which isn't fair.

Same way you get a one year old to do anything I guess - sheer bloody minded persistence! You can't stop him waking up, but you can stop him GETTING up - you just put him back, every single time, without any positive interaction, until he gets the message he needs to stay in bed until a certain time. It's very bloody hard going, and you might decide it's not important enough to you to die on this hill, but you haven't "tried everything" if he's still getting up tbh. My toddlers have both gone through phases where they refused t have their nappies changed; at no point did I throw my hands up and say "well I've tried everything" and let them go around in shitty nappies; so it's all about how important it is to you that he stays in bed. Not very by the sound of it, which is fine.

I think as a SAHM you will find it a pretty massive difference when you have to house feed and clothe yourself on your own dime instead of his. Yes there will be child support, and depending on how much he earns and if you are awarded a significant chunk of the custody it may be significant, but it is unlikely to be enough to maintain the standard of living you and your children currently enjoy.

You have the capacity to give high levels of focus to your children because THAT IS LITERALLY YOUR JOB. Your husband has to go out and work, for more than the standard 9-5 by the sound of it, and then whatever else he does for the household/family on top. Now I'm not demeaning the childcare work because IMO to do it well it is the hardest and most exhausting job in the world, especially when pregnant. But you have to see why, when it is your entire role, it is easier to have very high standards than if you got home late, did whatever you do to contribute around the home (the fact he offered to get up with the kids early tells me he's not a total layabout domestically but you may correct me), try and squeeze in some leisure time with your wife, and then get up at the crack of dawn, probably with work worries already crowding your brain, to look after 2 toddlers who would almost certainly prefer you to be mummy and will not be shy about letting you know that fact....

No, 2 straight hours of YouTube is not parenting, not what you agreed, and not OK. But you do seem a bit entitled as you say that if you separated there would be "no difference", which suggests to me you don't appreciate his contribution to your joint lives at all which is significant (I E. All the responsibility for earning money and keeping a roof over all your heads).

Nah idiocy is gender neutral. The idiocy of encouraging 5am wake ups. If a parent isn't spending enough time with their children, that doesn't mean it has to happen at 5am. It's so sad and stupid.

Wild here everyone giving this man so much love for working FT and getting up for 2 hrs with his children. The only time he sees them. Then ignoring them by doom scrolling so they have injuries of unknown origins.

so what do you think his pregnant wife does whilst he is in his 9-5? Yeah she works doing the child care.
then when he is home late what is she doing? Yeah the child care.
what is she doing with night wakings? The child care
what about the weekend days? Yeah probably still involved in childcare I would bet.

also- if he gets up at 5 he could well go to bed earlier as bedtime is all done when he gets home.

do you honestly think she is only doing 37.5 hrs a week childcare? WILD. Children are more hours than a full time job. Standards are so low for men. It’s so sad.

@goldenretrievermum5

How on earth have previous generations coped before our ridiculous helicopter parenting trends came along?

As I said upthread, why do you and so many other PPs think the opposite of staring at a phone for hours is helicopter parenting?! The opposite of staring at a phone is NOT staring at a phone.

If your point was true we’d have most of the working + older population in therapy for their ‘traumatic’ childhoods.

I hate to break it to you but most of them are in therapy or should be. Sadly many just get antidepresents thrown at them, most don't address the underlying trauma and pass it on to the next generation.

Kids used to be left to play on their own and (shock horror) use their own imagination + initiative. Constant parent attention is equally unhealthy and unnecessary - the current generation of kids + teens growing up completely dependent on their parents and unable to think for themselves is proof of this.

The most healthy kind of parenting is mostly silent, watching from a distant but PRESENT. With a phone glued to your face you are absent, but the kids can see you. It's a form of withdrawl, a well studied phenomenon and very damaging.

*The usage is like this
video 1 5.01
video 2 5.04
video 3 5.06

for 2 hours. It’s pretty clear!*

I mean, he's probably just got a playlist on in the background while he does their nappies and gets their breakfast nothing.

Except he'd most likely say he wouldn't care if she was on her phone during those.

I was just trying to think of some time with her that he will definitely value highly.

@butterpuffed I don't mean him looking after them at 5am, I mean him looking after them at all? She must've observed his parenting at other times or has he never looked after them?

You mean from ten to 9 until just gone 10

When presumably the children were in bed?

OK but you could have gone with (say) during a brunch date or country walk which is slightly more comparable to spending time with your kids.

Not sex.

I’ve seen the three wise monkeys on here
a lot of denial
addictive personalities
more denial
its 5am!!
train them yeah right
later bed time yeah crabbit kid in the morning as that’s their normal waking hour yeah it might only be for a few years or it could be forever

It's not a problem. The husband is correct, OP needs to chill out.

This.

There have always been people looking out for the babies and toddlers, though. It was older siblings or aunts or neighbours or all the local children all hanging out together.

The toddler is getting injuries and the Dad can't say what happened. We're not asking for helicopter parenting, just a bit of responsibility!

I was here last night - the posts were coming in thick and fast

He never pays the kids quality attention. Have you lived with someone who never gives you their full attention? Says, "I'm listening!" but doesn't break eye contact with the screen? I have and the relationship didn't last.

All relationships need some focussed attention some of the time. His DC are getting none from him.

How on earth have previous generations coped before our ridiculous helicopter parenting trends came along? If your point was true we’d have most of the working + older population in therapy for their ‘traumatic’ childhoods. Kids used to be left to play on their own and (shock horror) use their own imagination + initiative. Constant parent attention is equally unhealthy and unnecessary - the current generation of kids + teens growing up completely dependent on their parents and unable to think for themselves is proof of this.

I'm well aware that parenting is hard. I'm also well aware of the challenges of single parenting. Been there/ bought the T shirt.

I disagree that this is petty. The man is phoning it in.

My comment you quoted was in response to a silly post warning the OP that challenging her husband's lies and his piss poor approach to keeping his children safe would result in Losing Her Man, as if that were a fate worse than death.

He's supervising, just not hovering "hey buddy nice tower".

I'm taking the scratch and bump with a huge pinch of salt because op hasn't said where they are.

When toddlers learn to walk they are constantly bumping their shins and knees. At that age my dd was always coming back from nursery with a new little bruise in the shin/hip area from bumping into stuff or tripping over. Sometimes the staff had seen it happen, sometimes not. But she was spending hours playing outside (and inside) on climbing frames, trikes etc and having a whale of a time. The odd bump or scratch is very very normal for an active healthy toddler.

As the op has a terrible sleep routine going on with them, all they can do is manage the early wake ups.

Why does the OP have a terrible sleep routine going on with them? Are they not both parents?

Why on earth is the OP repeatedly blamed or told she needs to fix the children's sleep routine when the DH is the one actually up and attending to them?

He can fix their sleep routine, as an equal parent. And if he'd spend a bit of time doomscrolling instead looking up the best way to do this maybe everyone would be having better sleep.

Letting them up?! As a mother of a 5.5 year old who still wakes at 530am daily it’s hardly a choice is it!!