45mins is plenty for a 5yo to sit at a family lunch

Back in the 80s I was expected to sit through all three courses of a family dinner with very little conversation aimed my way, from the age of 4 or 5. No getting down from the table until the adults had finished.
It was boring as shit, did me no good at all, and I can’t work out what good it did the adults either. But it sounds like your relatives come from the same world, and have no idea how things have moved on. In their day it was rude.
However, if someone behaved in a way that you found a bit grating when they were at your house, you didn’t follow the visit up with a message designed to chastise them and make them feel uncomfortable. So they are being really unpleasant by sending you a message like that, and clearly they don’t value you enough to take your feelings into account. Surely thinking about how others feel is the first rule of etiquette, whichever era you were born in? And however offended you are by someone’s behaviour, you don’t send a text telling them off and just let it hang.
If this were me I would not see this branch of the family again if I could help it. They don’t respect you, and they don’t have good manners - they’re being superior.

Your kids are 6 & 3. They sound impeccably behaved to me, especially your 6 yr old politely asking to be excused. Neither made a fuss, they entertained themselves whilst the grown ups enjoyed their meals and adult conversation. YANBU.

Not unreasonable for the kids to need activities. Unreasonable for both parents to leave the table.

We had SIL over today. Her 6 year old sat still for about 5 minutes and ate nothing. 4 year old wouldn't even come to the table. Lay on the sofa whining.

Sounds like your kids were really well behaved

I think we’d have tag teamed and taken turns with the DC, my mum or one of my siblings would also have jumped at the chance to play with the DC while DH and I ate. But they invited your family of 4 and then failed to make any allowances for the two younger members and then showed no manners by complaining at your very reasonable reaction. Rude.

What usually happens at events with these relatives?

I couldn’t have coped with a 2 hour 4 course formal meal making polite conversation with 11 adults, let alone expecting a 3 and 6 year old to do that! I’d have been offering to go and amuse the kids.

Did you know it was going to be that type of event? If so, perhaps you or your husband could have managed everyone’s expectations in advance more, but I certainly wouldn’t have had an issue with you doing what you did.

Long formal meals are not for small children.
Back in the past children wouldn't have attended a formal meal until they were around 12 or even older.
They ate nursery food with Nanny and would have received etiquette and behaviour classes before being allowed to join.

Nothing wrong with the children's behaviour there. You can't expect a child free person's house and garden to be child friendly though! Can't be that bad unless you're over anxious.

From a child development standpoint, you are certainly not being unreasonable. I would never expect a child to even sit through 45 mins, which is AGES for a child.

Agree with @Sunnydays0101 to an extent but do think if the other adults, any of them at all, had interacted with the children even briefly, then your husband wouldn’t have had to focus on them quite so much etc.

I think it was rude of you both to leave. Surely it only needs one parent to look after the kids at a time?

You should jump over to the thread about the lady having her cafe breakfast interrupted

Yes the host is utterly ridiculous

Feel sorry for you that you even have to deal with this

Why did your SIL text you and not your husband?

That made me chuckle. I wonder how many people will get the reference? 😂

Their expectations of normal behaviour, especially for the 3 year old, is way off- though from some of the replies on here, they’re not alone! You were with family; it shouldn’t be this hard! I would not be attending a meal like this again- and make it crystal clear you are proud of how the kids behaved, and apologising for nothing!

No. Sorry my kids would never leave a family meal until everyone was finished . Just rude . But I am from a different generation where kids were bored ... and parents don't leap into action at the very sight of said boredom ..

Boredom is not a bad thing.. it fosters imagination ...

In your place I would have provided basic stuff to do at the table so you didn't have to leave ..and they would never expected to leave having been taught this from the earliest age ..

I do however understand that things these days are child centred .. it's just that child centred can often mean child centric.. which often fosters an expectation of amusement at all times .

So at 6 age our DC would have been fine with the cutlery and non kiddie food (this house has never served nuggets or fingers) but needed a book/device/top trumps to keep him amused between courses. My nephews 2 kids 5 and 6 could hack the situation but eat kiddie food and pull a face at normal veg and need peas and sweetcorn.

Basically they are all different and it’s a good experience to try the formality that will seem nothing in a couple of years for the 6 yr old. Your family need to be tolerant

assuming sil is your partners sister then leave it for him to reply to!

she sounds bat shit though. Just bonkers.

Unreasonable for you both to go. I would have taken magazines/book and given them to the kids as soon as they sat down and put them to one side as food arrived. I would have expected them to attempt their mains, one parent to take them off to run off some steam, tag teaming as necessary and the children to return for pud and then to go off and play.

Brought activities that could be done at the table rather than them getting down, and you leaving the table is a bit rude, but I was a pretty strict parent when it came to table manners

I personally would have brought

Your kids sound so well behaved. Completely unrealistic to expect the kids to sit there for 2 hours. I wouldn't go there again for lunch- an afternoon tea sounds more suitable for their age given the formality!

I think your children did well. I always find it really odd when people start huffing when small children don't sit through 10 courses! I'd find it odd if they did, they are children, of course they want to play. They don't have the attention span of a fully grown adult.

I would have done the same, if anyone commented I wouldn't care less. I'm sure the children will get there, but they are so young and even at 18 I'm sure they'd find it boring.

Maybe best to avoid next time.