45mins is plenty for a 5yo to sit at a family lunch

I must admit with my grandad - he used to bore us with tales of his idyllic Bavaria upbringing and thank god my stepgrandmother was there to lighten the mood and pay us attention!

When we did go to see our nana, we did have sit down meals, but she cleverly ordered us comics from when we were young, and we were allowed after eating to read these quietly. Far more relaxed there though!

But there really is no harm in at least trying to have children sit for a while at the table but having adults interact with them is the key, or getting children to join in the conversation too. A highlight of this was last summer when DB and SIL back from family summer holiday with inlaws and SIL's DB and his family. We'd just had dinner and suddenly DNephew (5) regaled us with after we asked him if he'd enjoyed his French holiday "and mummy and uncle Richard had a fight, and mummy got angry and shouted and said she never wanted to see Uncle Richard again and he was a selfish bastard" (this was true!) (DNephew had been in his bedroom in the holiday villa but obvs had overheard!) - we all had to calm him down and say "it's ok, sometimes adults say things they don't mean" and his DM was dying of embarrassment and probably wished he'd been playing on his ipad.

At 3 years old no child can be left unsupervised for that long. Dint be ridiculous. If they spilt something or marked the furniture by mistake everyone would be on at the parents for being so stupid.

No three year old can sit at a table with nothing to do for 2 hours, absolutely do not believe it. I have a really well behaved older one, who would have sat for a reasonable time ant that ahe and would love to interact with the other adults. But at three, two hours, being ignored by everyone except her dad. No way. My youngest, hahaha!

I have ADHD - your kids lasted longer at a formal dinner table than I would have! You’re not being remotely unreasonable.

@mrsdineen2 no one has ever died from letting kids leave the table either.

All of my kids could sit at a table at that age, I can assure you I wasn't hallucinating, regardless of what sort of mental health slurs you want to throw around over a reasonable expectation

@anxioussister I suspected that both of you leaving the table was more of an opportunity for both of you to escape rather than need. Not that I blame you.

You (or your husband) can apologise for that -if you want to- while reiterating that in fact your kids were not the problem and that they were well behaved.

Yanbu.
The kids sound just fine. And nothing wrong with stepping away for a bit to give them attention.

Your SIL sounds way too stuffy and uptight!

I wouldnt be accepting an invitation from her again anytime soon.

Dinners at family are supposed to be fun and light. Not boring and rigid.

Absolutely. No one has ever died of boredom, and building up an ability to cope with it will serve them well in later life.

Actually you’re right, my grandad was a bit selfish and talked a lot about himself and probably not much attention was given to us. But I can’t say it harmed us.

And who at that table was thinking of them?
It's not only on children to respect adults.

I don’t mean for hours but at least for a reasonable time and engaging with parents and other diners. Otherwise this means kids are just fobbed off to play, watch TV, screens anything but interact with adults.

My grandad was continental (French/German) so he thought it was normal for children to be with adults at the dinner table. What’s wrong with that? Families all over Europe actually interact with children and talk to them at dinner tables.

Not necessarily but we did it. It teaches children to think of others and not just themselves.

My DGC cannot and will not sit at the dining table for longer than 10 mins ! They wouldn’t have been impressed with her dare say , lol . But anyway, your kids were good , but I agree that you both didn’t need to leave the table . Tag team wound have worked .

Don't know if you are ahead of me on this, but we found it helped to get the wriggles out before they even got to the table. Mine went out to restaurants with GPs and great GPs from very young but we'd always find a park before we met up with them.

A stroll out after lunch doesn't hurt either, even if not everyone can come. You can split the party for an hour and reconvene for cups of tea.

It's like with school, they do sit for periods but you structure the rest of the day round it to make that easier for them. Especially if they are also spending an hour or two sitting in the car. (The car journeys are arguably quite good training for sitting at the table, especially if they don't have screens.)

Yeah I think that you both got up to go play in the garden is the bit that I think was rude. There was no reason for you both to go.

But I agree your relative had unrealistic expectations.

I know that my dgc struggle to stay seated quiety for lengthy periods so we design our 'adult' meals around them too.

If we're having a starter it will be something that we can all graze on in the kitchen so dgc can still be playing. Then have main course plated and ready to go before we ask them to sit at the table (they are expected to wait until everyone is served before they tuck in). If the main course is going on for others then dgc can get down and play quietly, then back up for pudding. Then more wine / cheese and biscuits is a casual ending, eaten at the table or in the garden or in the kitchen.

Your relatives are fookin loons if they think children can sit at a dining table for that length of time.
Your children behaved very well in the circumstances and the host should have complimented you on how well you had raised them not having a go
Such a formal meal seems utterly pretentious I wouldn't go there again

Exactly! Is this not the children's holiday as well!
I would've absolutly been away from that table and my eldest is 10! 1 easter a year would I hell be spending it with a shed tonne of cutlery and poor hosting.

As did we and I just don't see the point in making children do that! Why is it polite? What value does it bring to the table to have children sat there politely but silent and bored? Why did previous generations insist on doing this?

And you conclude that was a good thing?

Engaging is key. But I agree we’ve spent hours where he sees something near the dinner table and wants to play with it there and then.

At no point have I suggested the kids should be sitting at the table for 2 hours. I was replying to a poster who said it takes 2 adults to supervise 2 pre schoolers and I was pointing out that a 6 year old is far from a pre schooler and it should only take one adult at a time to supervise a 3 and 6 yr old in the garden.

I do think this a bit. Me and DB as a number of other children did, would never have been allowed to do this at our grandparents houses and had to wait, bored and in silence until everyone else finished.