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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not sure if these are red flags or I'm just too picky?

36 replies

Babywhenyouregone · 31/03/2024 10:44

I'm speaking to a 31 year old man online ATM who's saving to buy his own home by living at home which is entirely understandable, however he's lived there for nearly 8 years. He's also been single for the vast majority of that time too.
I know housesharing can be dire, I suppose I don't understand not even having the curiosity to do it for just a year or even 6 months, just to gain some independence?
Doesn't seem to have any hobbies, just the usual passtimes of football, watching films/series, PS5, etc. doesn't do any exercise even though he looks very slim.
Maybe using the term red flag is a little harsh? Just 'not for me '.

OP posts:
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WindowBlindsUp · 31/03/2024 18:37

Doesn’t have any hobbies - then you list a series of hobbies?!

EatCrow · 31/03/2024 18:32

Eastre · 31/03/2024 11:07

Yes, normally. He’s been in the same situation for 8 years, sitting in a bedroom playing computer games. Sounds like a lazy loser

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You sound like a hateful loser. People eh.

ShouldIEvenBother · 31/03/2024 18:23

I dated a bloke who was 35/ 36 whilst we were dating who lived at home. The living at home bit didn't bother me a huge amount as I know how expensive renting is (I rent, mid 40's for context), but it was also accompanied by a rather lacklustre outlook... He also spent his free time watching telly and playing computer games. When he would come over to mine, all he wanted to do was order take away and watch telly. Trying to get this man to go for a walk was like pulling teeth. He had a cob on anytime I tried to get us to do something, anything, that involved an activity... Ick, ick, ick.

Some folk are like this because they're depressed which is obviously a different situation... this guy wasn't, he just had a very small and limited world view. Telly and computer games ruled his world!

Nah. Live vicariously through me for a moment OP so you don't have to waste a year of your time like I did!

IWasAimingForTheSky · 31/03/2024 17:50

Greenfluffycardi · 31/03/2024 17:28

One why has everything got t0 be about mental health!

I don’t think these are red flags at all but why you jumped straight to mental health is beyond me. My brother is in his thirties, at home still . He’s-lays computer games. There’s nothing wrong with his metal health though!

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Not talking aboutnthe OP. A pp claimed everybody who stays at home is lazy.

Greenfluffycardi · 31/03/2024 17:28

IWasAimingForTheSky · 31/03/2024 12:58

Wow.
Tell me you don't understand mental health without telling me.

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One why has everything got t0 be about mental health!

I don’t think these are red flags at all but why you jumped straight to mental health is beyond me. My brother is in his thirties, at home still . He’s-lays computer games. There’s nothing wrong with his metal health though!

LividAA · 31/03/2024 14:12

Massive incompatibility.

You need to feel at similar life stages and he isn’t aligned with yours.

Happyinarcon · 31/03/2024 14:07

To continue living at home just to save money is a huge sacrifice and he would have to be extremely financially motivated to want to do this. That means have a sizeable amount saved with very clear plans about how he’s putting that money to work or clear ideas about what type of property he wants to invest in.
I don’t want to sound like a gold digger, but I would be more inclined to take him seriously if he had saved 100k vs 10k.

IWasAimingForTheSky · 31/03/2024 12:58

Eastre · 31/03/2024 11:07

Yes, normally. He’s been in the same situation for 8 years, sitting in a bedroom playing computer games. Sounds like a lazy loser

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Wow.
Tell me you don't understand mental health without telling me.

concernedchild · 31/03/2024 12:22

AmaryllisChorus · 31/03/2024 11:36

These days people live with their parents because it's not nearly as economically viable to save for your own place while renting.

If you are chatting and getting on, you could meet for coffee, see how he seems irl.

I know a few lovely young men who still live at home in their early 30s. But... they are a bit passive in life generally if I'm really honest, in comparison with the ones who choose to live in flat shares and have their independence.

I don't think that's a fair comment.

You've said yourself it's hard to rent and save.

AmaryllisChorus · 31/03/2024 11:36

These days people live with their parents because it's not nearly as economically viable to save for your own place while renting.

If you are chatting and getting on, you could meet for coffee, see how he seems irl.

I know a few lovely young men who still live at home in their early 30s. But... they are a bit passive in life generally if I'm really honest, in comparison with the ones who choose to live in flat shares and have their independence.

concernedchild · 31/03/2024 11:33

I'm 24 and will probably be living at home until I can afford to buy. What's the point in renting, paying off someone else's mortgage and getting no return? If he's welcome at home, that's fine.

Birchvalley · 31/03/2024 11:31

I changed my mind about someone when I found out he was still living with his ex’s parents. His next step was going to be moving back in with his parents when his brother and his girlfriend moved out.
He was 50!!! and hadn’t had his own home. It was such a shock that the apron strings had never been cut!

NotDavidTennant · 31/03/2024 11:30

I think it's stretching it to call these things red flags. You can just decide a man is not for you without having to find a red flag to justify it.

Phial · 31/03/2024 11:29

Did he live away from home before those 8 years?
Does he have a job? A good job?
I wouldn't judge the living at home thing on its own, but I might judge the other things.
You say he's slim, but you haven't actually met him? Are you going by a photo or by live video chat?

PotatoPudding · 31/03/2024 11:28

He’s obviously not your cup of tea, so why pursue anything?

toomanyy · 31/03/2024 11:26

This will end badly, don’t even go there, OP.

Riverlee · 31/03/2024 11:24

i don’t think that living at home all that time is that unusual nowadays.

However, has he got any set plans? Is he aiming to save £x amount by the time he’s 32? Has he started looking around with an intention to buy something?

However , you don’t sound impressed with this situation so I don’t think he’s the one for you.

Original poster
Babywhenyouregone · 31/03/2024 11:14

Cbljgdpk · 31/03/2024 11:12

Also does he see friends or just stay at home playing games and watching football? The lack of hobbies and exercise wouldn’t overly fuss me but lack of social life and friends would

Yeah he does have a couple of friends he says. And yes he went to the local uni, think he lived there the first 2 years then at home for the final year.

OP posts:
Cbljgdpk · 31/03/2024 11:12

Also does he see friends or just stay at home playing games and watching football? The lack of hobbies and exercise wouldn’t overly fuss me but lack of social life and friends would

Cbljgdpk · 31/03/2024 11:10

When you say 8 years do you mean since university? Otherwise surely he moved back in with parents at 23 and has experienced living independently?

Cbljgdpk · 31/03/2024 11:09

I don’t think it’s a red flag but if you don’t find that attractive then that’s fair.

Eastre · 31/03/2024 11:07

IWasAimingForTheSky · 31/03/2024 10:58

You think people without motivation are just always lazy?

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Yes, normally. He’s been in the same situation for 8 years, sitting in a bedroom playing computer games. Sounds like a lazy loser

Original poster
Babywhenyouregone · 31/03/2024 11:04

I mean he does travel a little. I probably sound like I'm being really judgemental/snobby and I know that's not good.

OP posts:
Caluse · 31/03/2024 10:58

How much has he saved in those eight years? When does he plan to buy? If yes guy an actual plan I might be reassured, but if not then no.

Also he does sound like he's quite boring and doesn't have any curiosity about the world which would really put me off.

IWasAimingForTheSky · 31/03/2024 10:58

Eastre · 31/03/2024 10:57

It usually is though

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You think people without motivation are just always lazy?