Jealously about lifestyle

@heyho2023 I struggled with the green eyed monster most of my life, its a part of me I don't like. The things I felt envious of, or the people, would change over time but it was something that was always there. Things started to go very well for me recently, the past few years, and I became constantly guilty. Instead of enjoying the good times I'd feel guilty about a friend who wasn't as lucky in relation to that particular thing. It was like the same issue in reverse. I've come to realise the issue was always with myself. When I feel those negative feelings come in i try to shut them out, or I try to balance it, ask myself would I swap my life with my friends if it meant i have to take their problems too. I'm mid 40s and I feel everyone around me has had their share of swings and roundabouts by now.

Actually we are primates, and primates have social hierarchy so it is absolutely natural for humans to be status conscious and yes, assess everyone for status. Some can rise above it (good for you! Although you are ALSO showing off by saying you aren’t paying attention to status which is another form of asserting status in a group) but it IS certainly human nature.

Family money to get on property ladder early before prices went insane. That’s how.

me and my DH are very high earners and given we have two preschoolers we can’t afford a big house (in Greater London) if it makes you feel better! We do have nice holidays because NOT having them even
for 10 years isn’t going to magic up another £500K.
So you aren’t doing anything wrong.

however jealousy — although perfectly natural feeling— is damaging unless you can channel it into something productive, like higher earnings for yourself etc. So I would recommend you work through this feeling to let go.
(and if you manage to get higher earnings I still recommend spending them on travel rather than bigger house but that’s just me)

No I didn’t , you just don’t like my answers so are lashing out.

and my personal circumstances are none of your business. I will say though I think the reason I do not judge is because I grew up in abject poverty in a council flat. We were homeless at one point.

now yes I live in a relatively large house, but I have not always as an adult. My two closest friends, one lives in a 6 bed large detached. Another in a two bed park home. My family still live in the council flat.

so no, I won’t accept judging others, being envious, saying it’s debt is ok. And I won’t accept your comment that it’s human nature to judge status in the way you think. I don’t do it. My friends and family don’t do it. So no it’s not human nature. It’s your nature, and yes some others too. But saying it’s not ok to flippantly say oh it’s debt, is absolutely what I stand by.

some earn less. Some earn more, some have debt, some don’t. As humans we are individual. Not sitting assessing everyone else for status

I am very fortunate to own my London house outright. It's lovely, good neighbours and what MN would label a 'naice' area. But. But. I'd truly love to live closer in to central London, five minute walk to cafés, shops and transport. I'd only need another couple million to afford it...! I do wonder what some people do to be able to afford their homes (banking or IT, normally). Could I ever have done that career to be in the same financial position? I might then have a bigger home, but I'd have a miserable life as that's not where my interests lie.
You have what most people want. Yes we all want more, even those who seem to already have everything. We can always strive to improve things, but there is a point when one has to accept they are where they are, and be grateful for that.

Concentrate on what you have.
There will always be someone richer than you, don’t let that fact take away from what you have to be grateful about.

Seriously health is everything.

With respect to good health, it is arguably the greatest gift of all and we generally appreciate it until we don't have it.

It's also true though that it's better to be a wealthy person with health issues than a poor person with the same issues. Not to mention that overall wealthy people enjoy much better health than the poor.

Exactly

Life is fundamentally unfair plus we live in a capitalist society that can only really function on high levels of discontent and materialistic values.

It's difficult to step outside of this hence the pressure felt to keep up with the Joneses.

Search for other routes to happiness OP.

I used to feel envious of other peoples new cars and big houses until my best friend was diagnosed with incurable cancer aged 32.
Now I’m grateful for every day I have with her, I’d give up my house and all my possessions if it meant she got to live. Be grateful for what you have, your children, a home, food, a job, your health. It can be taken away in a second

I didn't say everyone is jealous. Like every other emotion it's something people experience in moments. I simply don't believe that anyone who says they have never, ever experienced so much as a fleeting feeling of jealousy even for a moment is being truly honest with themselves.

My dad died this week. Those things aren't important in grand scheme of things. Appreciate what you have now. Life is precious.

At least the pp was sympathetic to the op and made some positive suggestions. You've just judged and criticised, which isn't a particularly nice facet of human nature either.

You've also told us nothing about your own situation - easy to criticise others for being jealous if your own life is more privileged.

No not everyone feels jealous, I can honestly say I have never ever felt it

I know it is one of those thing people just say because they think it helps but not everyone is jealous

The other thing is that you mention wanting to have been further up the ladder at your age- but what's at the top of a ladder? Nothing, you'll just fall off. It's a bit of a mirage.

Your sons have an own room each and will be able to depend on you whilst they save for their own places and cars, when they're older, and still have their own personal space. That's all any child can need as they get older really, in our current economic climate. Try and look at places where you have stability and life-long security and focus on how good that feels.

I get that it's easy to have these feelings of jealousy though, as it's rubbed in our faces at every moment that we need these things 'to be happy'. I've got a two bed semi, council life time tenancy, and am constantly being told I'm not doing enough for myself because I don't own a property or have a high flying career. But the most important thing is that me and my daughter both have our own personal spaces and I have security for life, and hopefully she will be able to save for her own deposit from here, as she gets older. Sometimes, the thing we actually need to do for ourselves, isn't to work more hours, but to work on drowning out those noises or images of what a happy life is.

Jealousy is a normal, natural human emotion. Everyone experiences it from time to time, whether they admit to it or not. It doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't mean you're not grateful for what you have the majority of the time. Beating yourself up for having a feeling doesn't get you anywhere, and it doesn't make the feeling go away. But if the feeling is uncomfortable or interfering with your day to day life you should probably try to address it.

Trains of thought around "how can they afford that and we can't?" are unlikely to be helpful. For one thing, you'll never really know. Even if you were rude enough to ask (not a good idea!) you might not get the truth. They could simply earn more than you, they could be buying everything on credit and have no savings, they could have accepted gifts from family. But what does it matter? Knowing wouldn't change your situation anyway. So dwelling on this is just feeding those uncomfortable feelings.

I think that you have two options. You can practice gratitude, focus on what you do have and remind yourself that there are good reasons for all the choices you've made, even if those choices haven't necessarily translated to an increase material wealth. Or you can actively try to change the situation, work more hours, go for promotions, relocate for better opportunities, sacrifice some time with family in the short term for hopefully for money in the long term. But none of those things are easy and you may not truly want that life, and just imagining it may help you to feel more contented with the balance you have now.

Have you seen the TV show Industry, OP? I found it really interesting in terms of it's examination of the psychology of people who are motivated by money and the pressure they put on themselves, the sacrifices they make and the impact on their personal lives and relationships. One of the characters talks about how life can become an endless cycle of "you covet something, get that thing, covet something else" and where does it end? Food for thought.

I think social media is to blame for this as well.

The lifestyle accounts that have the most followers are people that have the biggest houses, the flash holidays etc.

OP, don't wish your life away worrying about what other people have, no good can come of it. Like l said, the grass isn't greener.

Was going to say this.
You're doing ok Op, you have no idea how other people fund their lifestyles

I'm jealous of my brother and sister in law. They are incredibly wealthy and own their own businesses. They are taking the summer off with their children and travelling for a couple of months. We'll just never be able to do anything like that.

That’s really not human nature. It maybe your nature, but it’s not the nature of many many people.

OP you've been getting a lot of invalidating replies, but the truth is that human nature leads us to constantly notice status and compare ourselves to our peers. 'Relative deprivation' is very much a thing. Ie not about how much you actually have but the comparison with your friends. So it's a shame for you that you happen to be surrounded by people who have more. Be gentle with yourself as you're not choosing to have these feelings. PP have suggested good strategies eg gratitude journaling, challenging your thoughts (eg they might have debt) looking for other things in their lives that are not as lucky etc. But it starts with non- judgementally accepting your feelings, so I'm sorry you've had judgement here.

There money has probably either come in the form of relatives who have sadly died or debt. I wouldn’t want either of them.

I’m ‘lucky’ that my Dad has recently given my sister and I 20k which he wanted us to put towards mortgages but the money came from my Mum’s account. I would rather my Mum was still alive than I could pay £20k off my mortgage.

My tip would be to start watching TV programmes like Clean it, fix it as they show what many people’s houses are like rather than watching aspirational house programmes.

I have a friend like this. She won't admit it openly, but anything someone else buys, like a big holiday, new car, new house or extension, the first thing she does is justify why she isn't also able to do that and try to figure out how or why they can. It's exhausting and means that friends tend not to share their reality with her for fear of judgement or adding to her paranoia.
I hope that you can find your own peace and take a pride in the comfortable, happy family home which you and your husband have worked hard to provide your children with.

Last point, have a think what your kids will remember from their childhood. I bet they mention having mum around lots during holidays and having fun and not the fact that they were disappointed they didn't have a spare bedroom