Jealously about lifestyle

I was actually just reflecting on this sort of thing with a friend.

When my sister was 21, my parents "bought" her a lovely house in a lovely part of London, as an investment that she could live in for free and they could stay in when they went to the theatre.

At the time she was flat-sharing with a group of friends in a nice flat in Camden, but as my parent's house was in another borough she quickly lost touch with them. On paper she was extremely privileged, but in reality she became so lonely she developed an eating disorder for years until she met her now DH.

Meanwhile her less well-off friends became firm friends and are still close today.

That’s very weird and unusual though.

I thought that I would be mortgage free in my house by now. Unfortunately, a few years ago, my then husband (of 27 years at that point) decided to move out and live with another woman and we divorced and our house sold, with three months left on the mortgage...
Now , although I'm remarried, and happy, we live in privately rented accommodation. I've had to come to the realisation that I'm never going to be a homeowner now...too old (60 this year) to reasonably get a mortgage and start again.
Be happy with what you have. You never know what circumstances will throw at you.

I think we are sold an ideology from childhood that if we do well at school and work hard we can achieve what we desire.

That's not how life works though, there are a whole lot more variables in play, many of which are outside of our control.

It's hard to accept that so much is outside of our control so we pretend to ourselves that most things ARE in our control. And then when we do not achieve what we want to we are often hard on ourselves for not being enough.

It's also the case that standards of living are in many ways much lower than for our parents generation. When I was young a full time teacher in the village could expect to own a nice 3 or 4 bedroom detached house with a non working parent. Nowadays, two full time teachers could not afford the same house.

I find it hard to not be jealous. All my friends, all of Ds1's football team parents, all of Ds2's football team parents, all have a much bigger house than ours, multiple foreign holidays.

I remember I moved into a new house once and my neighbour had a really fancy sports car. My ex used to look longingly at the car. He was so envious of the neighbour’s car and presumed lifestyle. Then I got chatting to Mrs Neighbour. It turns out it was Mr Neighbour’s dream car, he’d saved years for it, they'd missed out on holidays, sacrificed home improvements, really cut down all their expenses just so he could have this car. The insurance was phenomenal so he had to park it in the garage all the time, just to make it affordable. So they had no garage space for other stuff. Even then they weren’t sure they could continue to afford it.

Basically this fancy car wasn’t a snapshot of their lives, representing a luxurious existence. The fancy car WAS their lives! The truth was different from the appearance.

I'm grateful for the life I have, modest house, second hand car.

I'm not jealous of my friends lives, but I do wander how they afford huge mortgages, holidays and brand new cars. Some it's obvious family are bankrolling them, others are using credit. A few are a genuine mystery where I'm left wandering if it's drugs/ only fans etc.

Someone I know works 2 days a week in beauty (not aesthetics) and went to centre parks one school holiday then all inclusive abroad another, has a 4 bedroom house and car. Me and DH both work FT in professonal jobs and couldnt afford that. How?! Another family who flew first class to new your for a fortnight - again on modest paid jobs. Even if I had the money I could bring myself to blow that much on one go.

But what time has shown me is that no one is immune from suffering. And whilst friends may have more money than me, they’ve had plenty of horrors to deal with that I haven’t, such as divorces, affairs, serious illness, and dreadful tragedies such as child cancer and death

Aint that the truth. Would I currently swap places with the princess of Wales for example?- she has far more money than I could ever dream of, but she has cancer at age 42 with 3 young kids. No, I absolutely would not.

Yes, she can get private treatment if she wishes but the worry of having cancer at such a relatively young age wont be magically removed by a hefty bank account. Thats something that will always be at the back of her mind even if her treatment is successful. No amount of designer clothes, fancy jewellery or brand new cars is going to help that.

Much of it is down to inheritance or family money being passed down.

I earn a huge salary yet on the face of it have a more modest life than a number of friends who earn around 30k. This is because they have all inherited property, sometimes multiple properties, from often distant relatives. In one case a friend of mine had never even met the relative who left them a £1m inheritance. I would have to earn an additional £2m pre-tax to purchase the same asset.

Quite often people like to give the impression their lifestyle
is funded through their own endeavours but experience tells me that often isn’t the case.

House prices are rapidly becoming more linked to inheritance than earnings.

I sometimes feel envious of others but my DH often points out that what we see isn’t always the full story like many have pointed out on the thread. Some could be overstretching their finances, be in debt, they have have had a large inheritance or a payout on insurance because of a critical illness or bereavement.
I’ve learnt to be less envious and enjoy what we have. We have a nice house - not huge but big enough for us all. We don’t have any debt other than our mortgage and we have jobs and our health

Or happiness.

You have a lovely life, OP, and you are causing problems for yourself by envying what other people have. If you don't change your mindset, then no matter how much stuff you acquire, you will never be happy, because someone else always has more. Do you have everything you need? Everything you want? Can you only get more of what you already have? If the answer to all these questions is yes, then you are blessed. If you genuinely need more, then set a target for getting it and be happy when you have it, without looking at others. If you want something that you think would make you happy, then ditto. You are corroding your own happiness with jealousy. Utter madness.

Try think of it this way “so much washing up to do! - At least you could afford to eat today, So much laundry to wash - At least you have clothes on your back, the house needs cleaning - At least you have a roof over your head” it’s just small little things like that, that really make you feel so lucky. A lot of people cannot afford to do even the very basic of life tasks. Be grateful for everything. ❤️

Most of my friends are in very nice large houses with two brand new cars

Maybe you should mix with less fortunate people so you can get some perspective.
For many, your life is an absolute dream.

OP I’m in my 50s and I’ve struggled with envy over the years, and like a previous poster it’s a characteristic I really don’t like about myself. All my friends who are my age and in the same profession as me have big houses, second homes, fancy cars, privately educated kids, lots of foreign holidays . While I live in a 3-bed semi with a mortgage, old car, fewer holidays etc.

I basically rented for too long, so was early 30s before I got on the property ladder, hence still having a mortgage now. And I only lived with a partner for a couple of years, the rest of the time I’ve been single and financially responsible for everything.

Although I came from a poor background, I’m a doctor, and I can’t help feeling I should have more wealth than I do! But my life choices have put me where I am.

But what time has shown me is that no one is immune from suffering. And whilst friends may have more money than me, they’ve had plenty of horrors to deal with that I haven’t, such as divorces, affairs, serious illness, and dreadful tragedies such as child cancer and death.

I know it’s a cliche, but I really do count my blessings. And I have many, as do you OP, if your family is healthy and happy.

OP jealousy is a perfectly normal human emotion. Don’t feel bad for being honest about it. I’ve felt the same at times, it is normal.

I have the house, cars, holidays, second homes etc. I also had ovarian cancer and realised that the only thing you can take with you to the grave and enjoy every day before death is love. The love you feel and the love you receive. Money made me survive my cancer by having all treatments privately and make my life ‘easy’, but possessions are really not what you will think about when you do not know if you’ll live or die. I know it’s not an easy concept to grasp unless you have lived it, but I thought I’d write it down here.

Perhaps you need to do a big declutter and then your house will feel big enough? I know when we moved into our house with not very much it was huge, and now it feels tiny after collecting stuff for 20 years.

I agree.

It makes me really sad that my happiness could be something others would bitch about and speculate over.

especially from those who know just how hard my life has been in the past.

I was so badly isolated by my ex, so immeasurably hurt and let down by my family and for me to have found happiness and contentment surely is karma, not something to envy.

I know if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d be delighted for them.

I'm not lashing out, I'm criticising you for judging the op without making any positive suggestions., just being smug and implying you're a better person. And I'm not interested in your personal circumstances, I'm saying that it is easy to criticise someone for being jealous when you're in a fortunate position yourself. Not sure what your friends' finances have got to do with anything either.

one of the most effective treatments for jealousy I've come across (because we all feel jealous now and then) is whenever you feel that bitterness, firmly wish or pray for even more success for the object of jealousy. so if you find yourself thinking why does x have such a nice house, immediately push your thoughts to "I hope she has an even nicer house in the future. hope she is happy. etc. etc."

either way we all have our troubles. money doesn't prevent unhappiness.

What I would say is that you will never know someone’s financial position, despite seeing cars on the drive and big houses you have no idea what is going on behind the scenes. Some will be in debt up to their eyeballs and some will be sitting pretty and both probably stretch the truth depending on who they’re talking to. I certainly do. We massively play down our financial situation, because I don’t want to come across as a smug asshole to my friends. So all the people saying ‘oh but mr and Mrs Jones are probably mortgaged to the hilt and the cars are on finance’ they might all be paid for but they BS in order to still be relatable to their social circle.

I was out earlier and saw a tent hidden away in the hedges of a small park

Somebody is sleeping in that tent

Think about what you have, not what you don't have

If it helps OP, I’ve got comfort money wise but zero worklife balance. It makes me so miserable, feel guilty about family life and friendships and my extra money gets spent on making life easier rather than enjoyable. You sound like you’ve got a life that’s enviable for many actually!