Was I being unreasonable? Truthfully

ihateheartache · 2024-03-30T22:57:57+00:00

Hi, I’ve been getting to know what I thought was a lovely feller. We’re both relatively young I suppose. If that’s relevant. He knows I’ve had a horrendous past with my ex. I’m quite sensitive. So maybe that’s why I think I might be being unreasonable. He was asked to go out with friends. But he couldn’t be bothered, I encouraged him to go as I thought he could do with some adult interaction as he’d been sick for weeks. Before he was going he started saying some things over texts that felt like he was trying to get a reaction out of me. Things like “The fellers he’s going out with will be trying to chat up the young barmaids” & implying I was trying to make him look a certain way so girls wouldn’t find him attractive. seems so unimportant. I guess it is, but I couldn’t help but think, what is he gaining from saying pointless things like that. I can’t be bothered feeling insecure. Even if it is my own fault for being sensitive. Why say those things anyway? So WIBU to just say, I’m not interested really, it feels quite immature to say those things especially given he knows my past. Im sorry there’s more to it than what meets the eye but I’m trying to summarise it. I feel so stupid to have let someone in after 13 years. It feels like mind games. I dunno what I’m seeking here. I’m happy to be told I overreacted x

Watchkeys · 31/03/2024 12:39

he’s used the “it was just a joke” “I need time to think now” pass & it’s made me second guess if I reacted OTT

I think the thing is, what's OTT for his tastes might not be the same as what's OTT for your tastes. There's no objective bar for the level of our reactions/responses to things, so we have to use our own judgement. This is why it's important not to rely on other people's opinions: by trying to live according to what they think is appropriate, you can end up trying to 'be the ideal' them (which they aren't, even) rather than being your actual self.

Unless you think he knows better than you about what sort of jokes should be funny for you, then he can't really correct you on this. If a respectful person makes a joke and it's accidentally hurtful to the audience, they say sorry, they say they didn't realise, and they say they won't do it again. What dick of a comedian criticises an audience for not laughing at their jokes?

Original poster

ihateheartache · 31/03/2024 12:01

Thanks everyone for their kind & straight forward advice. It’s such a minor issue that has hurt me massively because I’ve let him in to my heart, after coming out of a long term abusive relationship. Shame when they turn out exactly who they say the weren’t x

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Autienotnaughtie · 31/03/2024 02:38

Yes he was either trying to have a row. Or he was trying to make you jealous by using misogynistic banter.

Either way not attractive, you don't need a game player op

Original poster

ihateheartache · 31/03/2024 02:33

Yellowroseblooms · 31/03/2024 02:27

Relationships, especially new ones, shouldn't be this hard. Leaving linguistic considerations aside, he sounds a bit childish and manipulative. (What was he wearing to make him unattractive to women? Tartan polyester trousers?) I don't think he sounds like good relationship material.

I was bit bruised after two awful relationships. I met my husband who was wonderful and completely different. He didn't play funny games and he was open and uncomplicated about wanting a relationship. He knew about a few sore spots I had and was very careful about my feelings in those areas. (One of my exes was really critical of everything - he once compared my arm muscle tone to cat jellimeat - I was 24 yeats old and a size 8.)

I couldn’t even tell you what he was wearing tbh I didn’t see him, I’m just very gutted I’ve let myself get hurt all over again.

Your ex sounds incredibly cruel. I’m happy you got your happy ending though x

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Original poster

ihateheartache · 31/03/2024 02:30

JMSA · 31/03/2024 02:09

It's almost like he was put out (as in, offended) that you were trying to encourage him to go out!
Does he want to make you feel insecure? It seems like that's the intention.
And it makes me wonder if he'd make you feel bad for wanting to go out too.
He obviously wants to be the very centre of your universe, and I couldn't be bothered with that.
YANBU. I do think it might be worthwhile to get counselling for past relationship issues though. If unresolved, we can carry the emotional baggage with us into future relationships

Thank you. That’s exactly how I feel. Like he was put out & you’re right. I need some sort of counselling/therapy. As this has genuinely hurt me deeply & I feel like I’ve just come away from a long term relationship & it shouldn’t have hurt me that much. That’s probably down to unresolved past trauma.x

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Yellowroseblooms · 31/03/2024 02:27

Relationships, especially new ones, shouldn't be this hard. Leaving linguistic considerations aside, he sounds a bit childish and manipulative. (What was he wearing to make him unattractive to women? Tartan polyester trousers?) I don't think he sounds like good relationship material.

I was bit bruised after two awful relationships. I met my husband who was wonderful and completely different. He didn't play funny games and he was open and uncomplicated about wanting a relationship. He knew about a few sore spots I had and was very careful about my feelings in those areas. (One of my exes was really critical of everything - he once compared my arm muscle tone to cat jellimeat - I was 24 yeats old and a size 8.)

JMSA · 31/03/2024 02:09

It's almost like he was put out (as in, offended) that you were trying to encourage him to go out!
Does he want to make you feel insecure? It seems like that's the intention.
And it makes me wonder if he'd make you feel bad for wanting to go out too.
He obviously wants to be the very centre of your universe, and I couldn't be bothered with that.
YANBU. I do think it might be worthwhile to get counselling for past relationship issues though. If unresolved, we can carry the emotional baggage with us into future relationships

BronzeAge · 31/03/2024 00:52

There’s something deeply tragic and vain about someone you’re seeing trying to make a very new girlfriend think he’s some kind of swashbuckling bad boy hanging out with his cool friends, while actually making himself sound like a sex pest harassing bar staff.

Of course Yanbu, OP. It’s like an ick festival.

Original poster

ihateheartache · 31/03/2024 00:36

Mabelface · 31/03/2024 00:05

Good on you for recognising that it's him, not you. Chuck him back, he's a knobhead (knob'ed 😉) who wanted to try and make you feel jealous and then had a tantrum when it didn't work, leaving to a sulk. What a knob he is.

Thank you. This made me laugh x

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Mabelface · 31/03/2024 00:05

Good on you for recognising that it's him, not you. Chuck him back, he's a knobhead (knob'ed 😉) who wanted to try and make you feel jealous and then had a tantrum when it didn't work, leaving to a sulk. What a knob he is.

Original poster

ihateheartache · 30/03/2024 23:53

anareen · 30/03/2024 23:50

Oh heavens. You are not being unreasonable at all! He is definitely doing those things to purposely hurt you. Get rid of him.

One rule I learned is to never tell a potential partner about any abuse from your past right away. If they are disingenuous it just lets them know what you will tolerate and how they can potentially treat you.

I know. Massive error of judgment on my behalf. Lesson learnt.x

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anareen · 30/03/2024 23:50

Oh heavens. You are not being unreasonable at all! He is definitely doing those things to purposely hurt you. Get rid of him.

One rule I learned is to never tell a potential partner about any abuse from your past right away. If they are disingenuous it just lets them know what you will tolerate and how they can potentially treat you.

Original poster

ihateheartache · 30/03/2024 23:49

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 30/03/2024 23:47

From the former young barmaid perspective, the kind of bloke who tried to chat you up when you were FUCKING WORKING could not die soon or painfully enough. Aaaargh dickheads.

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😂 I feel you. I’ve been that barmaid & it is unbelievably annoying! In his defence he said the men, that he’s going out with would be chatting up the young barmaids. But still, such a daft comment 🤦🏻‍♀️

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herewegoroundthebastardbush · 30/03/2024 23:47

ihateheartache · 30/03/2024 23:04

I’m from the north so it’s just normal for us to say feller tbh. But I dunno why he said “young barmaid” when he’s not even old himself. I do have the ick. Hence me basically ending whatever it was we had. But I wanted to just get some advice on if I went OTT. Because I am happy to stand corrected if I did.

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From the former young barmaid perspective, the kind of bloke who tried to chat you up when you were FUCKING WORKING could not die soon or painfully enough. Aaaargh dickheads.

IWasAimingForTheSky · 30/03/2024 23:44

Sounds immature and silly.

Put this one back OP.

Original poster

ihateheartache · 30/03/2024 23:38

CountryMumof4 · 30/03/2024 23:36

Also agree that you aren't at all being unreasonable. Try not to second guess yourself. The person you considered lovely doesn't seem quite as lovely now. You're worth more than that and, hopefully, someone truly lovely is out there for you x

Thank you. I do really appreciate your kind words. Hopefully it’ll start to hurt less as the days go on x

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Original poster

ihateheartache · 30/03/2024 23:36

WoodBurningStov · 30/03/2024 23:29

You're not being unreasonable OP. You're entitled to feel any way you want, don't let him tell you otherwise.

But in my opinion, you're not over reacting, it's very childish of him to do this, he's trying to get a reaction out of you, no idea why, maybe it boosts his ego if he can make you react in a jealous way.

I appreciate you validating how I feel because I genuinely wouldn’t ever want to overreact to something if it was so minor. I do think it’s immature & I know if I said those things, he’d had seen his ass no doubt. Still hurts to know I’ve let someone in for them to just turn out to be every thing I thought they wasn’t.

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CountryMumof4 · 30/03/2024 23:36

Also agree that you aren't at all being unreasonable. Try not to second guess yourself. The person you considered lovely doesn't seem quite as lovely now. You're worth more than that and, hopefully, someone truly lovely is out there for you x

WoodBurningStov · 30/03/2024 23:29

You're not being unreasonable OP. You're entitled to feel any way you want, don't let him tell you otherwise.

But in my opinion, you're not over reacting, it's very childish of him to do this, he's trying to get a reaction out of you, no idea why, maybe it boosts his ego if he can make you react in a jealous way.

Original poster

ihateheartache · 30/03/2024 23:26

Sherrycat · 30/03/2024 23:18

He’s a wrong un! I could not be dealing with the mind games. I think this behaviour would only have escalated if you stayed with him.

Thanks for your reply. It’s making me feel like I’m not some OTT sensitive person for feeling how I do to his pointless comments

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RonnieKray · 30/03/2024 23:24

He sounds very immature to me. A joke is supposed to be funny, what is funny about anything he said?
I really couldn't be bothered with all that.

Sherrycat · 30/03/2024 23:18

He’s a wrong un! I could not be dealing with the mind games. I think this behaviour would only have escalated if you stayed with him.

Danioyellow · 30/03/2024 23:17

Mn is too bigoted to accept linguistic diversity. I’ve lived in the north for 15 years and have to be very careful how I speak on here. You’re better off getting this thread deleted as you’re going to be torn apart for speaking like you do as a normal human being. Write it again, but you’re only allowed to use the words ‘partner’, ‘woman’ when referring to anyone female, and don’t call anyone a baby unless they’re under 12 months 👍

Original poster

ihateheartache · 30/03/2024 23:10

TooBigForMyBoots · 30/03/2024 23:08

YANBU OP. This is not the one for you.

Thank you. I know, it’s just horrible that I’ve let someone in again for them to upset me. It’s like dating for the very first time all over again for me. But thank you for your advice x

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Original poster

ihateheartache · 30/03/2024 23:09

ihateheartache · 30/03/2024 23:06

I honestly don’t know if I have or haven’t. It’s been years since I’ve even spoken to another man besides my ex boyfriend. So this is like new territory for me.

I feel like the things he said, was his way of trying to get some sort of reaction from me & the minute I took the bait he’s used the “it was just a joke” “I need time to think now” pass & it’s made me second guess if I reacted OTT.

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& I text him at first to say look, stop saying silly comments. But he continued so I said, I’m gonna go now have a nice night & it sort of escalated to him saying, what’s with my attitude & I told him I thought his comments were unnecessary amongst other things & now somehow I’m in the wrong. 😑

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