To ask what being a step-parent has been like for you?

OK why?

It's hard work.

As other's have said, it's the other parent that makes it hard. My step child's mother has been full on crazy at times. There were many times I felt like the 'other woman' too, even though they'd been apart for 10 years before I came on the scene.

I've also been scared to speak to step child about certain things (behaviour/attitude) for fear of his mother and that has strained our relationship further by making me resentful.

Depends what age they are. The younger they are, the easier to bond imo.

Reading this, I'm kind of glad I met a man without kids of his own now! Second time around - I was 36 when we met and he was 42. I had two boys - they were 6 and 9 at the time.

Driven me to the depths of despair. And ‘you’re the adult’ so no one cares.

Never again.

Run like the wind, there’s plenty of lovely free people, don’t do it.

I was a step mum for about 5 years. Would never do it again. Wouldn't even just date a man with kids. Boring, stressful, draining, thankless and costly.

"In contrast, outside of MN, everyone is expecting women to be some sort of Hallmark Christmas movie saint and feel priviliged to be in step childs life.
Althoug you are selected based on good income, free bedroom you have so father can increase childs stay and reduce payments.

I'd rather date bloke with a pack of racoons or adopt a crocodile. It would still be less mess and stress."

Yes to all this!

Often a lot of sexism in the interactions as well... obviously not all and I agree some people do maintain a positive set-up

but pretty much a microcosm of the usual sexism in society..

Man praised for basic civility and gets two women running around him whilst he looks like the good guy and keeps hands clean.

(they generally play the innocent bluff bloke who just doesn't realise any problems and wants the best for everyone...but they spend ages trying to triangulate new girlfriend against ex so it's a PickMe game).

Woman can spend ages doing emotional labour, losing out financially, and agreeing to last minute changes or whatever works for the children, and STILL get painted as the scapegoat/jealous harridan/nag.

Worst thing is that majority of childfree and a shitton of men with children will regularly say vile things like:"single mothers are the worst, I would never play someone elses game ha ha", and get away with that.
Although said mother is taking care 80-100% of children with her ex uninvolved and just looking for the next victim.
Everyone would be:"good that you have standards" if he is childfree, or: "woman with children will never put yours first, avoid!".

In contrast, outside of MN, everyone is expecting women to be some sort of Hallmark Christmas movie saint and feel priviliged to be in step childs life.
Althoug you are selected based on good income, free bedroom you have so father can increase childs stay and reduce payments.

I'd rather date bloke with a pack of racoons or adopt a crocodile. It would still be less mess and stress.

Similar to a PP, I don’t consider myself a Step parent - boys were 10 and 11 when I met DP so I’m more of another responsible adult in their lives. Reasons why I think it worked for me/us:

1. DP is a great dad, it’s one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place.
2. I have no kids of my own so no worries about integrating families.
3. We took things very slow, the boys knew about me but we didn’t meet for 8 months and I didn’t stay over the first few occasions when we did meet.
4. I knew from day one that I would always come second to the boys, but DP never makes me feel like I am.
5. DP has never expected me to do any parenting/looking after, naturally as time has gone on and we now all live together there is now an element of this which helps us run a smooth household.
6. I like my alone time and encourage DP to have alone time with the boys.
7. I strongly believe that there are some things you just can’t understand or experience until you are a parent with your own Kids - seeing this first hand with my DP has given me a new found appreciation for my own parents.

Things that I have found hard -

1. While I don’t want kids of my own now (mostly due to age now - late thirties) if I had met someone like my DP when I was younger then I think it would have happened. I have on a few occasions felt sad that we will never have the experience of raising our own kids together and that he always has that tie/bond to their mum.
2. The boys life at their mums is very turbulent which can make things unpredictable. It’s hard to help them navigate through that, and remain impartial. I’ve actually found that move from 50/50 to living with us full time has made things more stable for us all.

There are so many variables that it can be very hard to predict how it all will pan out in reality, I would just say to not rush anything and be confident that your chosen partner is a good parent first and foremost.

I think it depends on the ex. I know a few women who have SC where mum has passed away so that’s a different situation to most.

I have a friend who has 2 SC and 2 DC of her own. DH and ex get on great. In fact ex has been known to take her children for the weekend. I can’t imagine it happens often.

It is a lot harder than you expect-I get on great with SD/ex-but there is a lot more to consider than that.

How will your family accept step children for example? I have had to have serious conversations/arguments with mine, as I refused to allow SD to be treated differently to my children-a child is a child at the end of the day, and regardless of what has happened with the adults, never deserves to feel inferior in any way.

Unfortunately, not all will share this opinion. You have to be open, be willing to never be in the right (and just settle for being the least wrong you can be!) and I would recommend making sure you get along with the ex as much as possible. That won't always be smooth sailing either (even for the most rational of exes and step mums). Be prepared to reminded you are not the parent but be expected to step up as a parent.

That being said, being a step parent can be incredible. If you get it right, there can be real genuine affection and love there.

This.

We are in our second court battle and about to give up because the poison from the other parent is relentless and is effecting every element of our life.

Im happy to stay single, and focus on raising my child. Life is hard enough without extra complications added to it.

I dated a man with two kids that could not be more different to mine (I have one). The man turned out to be a user too, although earned same and then more than I did. Managed to keep up the facade of a "nice" guy long enough.
Compatibility is key, but regardless, I will never be in a relationship with anyone with kids again, ever.

Too many compromises to make and Im not prepared to do this anymore for anyone (other than my child).

I love being a step mum but I am also in the position of both of us being amicable with ex partners so we don't have the situation of 'toxic / crazy ex' trying to exert control.

DHs DS is 3yrs older than my DS, they get on well without annoying each other too much and we're not planning to have any more children together.

Like any relationship you put in the work and compromise.

I wouldn't date a man with an ex who still tries to exert that control or has a problem with a new partner being around. Would make things way too exhausting!

I dated a guy with a kid in my 20s, never met the child but realised pretty quick that I rather be someone’s priority but also couldn’t respect or love someone who didn’t prioritise his DC.

If DH (of 22 years) and I split I couldn’t see myself blending families, defo not a step mum or marriage.

@Firefly1987 My ex-husband is remarried to a woman around 16 years his junior (early 30s) who doesn't want any children of her own.
My now husband was looking for someone with kids as he had never been fortunate enough to be blessed with any of his own and had accepted that he more than likely never would be.
Would I have wanted to date someone with kids? No. As a ft working mum I had no intention nor capacity for taking on any more. I certainly would never have given up work and the housing situation wouldn't have worked.

Not a SP, but my DH is - SD to DS1 who was 2 when we met 18 years ago.

He's got the patience of a saint. Dealt many years handling DS's Dad, ferrying DS backwards and forwards (as I didn't drive). Step parenting has had its ups and downs, but overall it's been a real pleasure - DS loves him to bits.

I for one am bloody grateful for him, and think he needs a medal. I'm not sure I could have done it!

I was a step parent for a while and will never be in a relationship with anyone with kids again, and I already have kids.

when my now husband first met me he was renting out a bedroom of a property because he couldn't afford to much else as a single man with no children (he works ft but in social care so pay not great

This is a real problem with society

People without kids are back of the queue for social housing. Get very low benefits when unemployed yet when employed are expected to do all the crap shifts. The way society treats those without kids is the problem here.

It wasn't easy when they were little but now they are older it's fine. DSS and I have a cordial relationship and DSD is a friend now. They are my children's half-siblings and I think that makes a huge difference. I would never have 'blended' families with a man who already had existing kids with my kids. It can work but I think it's fairly rare. We are both very high earners and that helps smooth the way significantly. We could afford a house where everyone can have their own bedroom. The less resource you have the harder it is. If the Dad doesn't discipline his kids then it's just better to run! DH always saw our marriage as the foundation of our family and has always centred on it. If he hadn't then I'd have run! Him centring on our marriage has allowed me to be a very involved and loving stepmum.

My sister was with her ex for about 6 years. The SD was 6 I think when they met and she had a 2 year old. The ex would just pander to everything his DD did. Never told her off, even when she was being naughty. Would shout at my niece and allowed his daughter to stay up all night eating sweets and no dinner. It caused loads of issues and in the end my sister asked him to move out.

I agree completely. I previously dated men with kids- and whilst the dating pool is then bigger, it is just filled with men who are wholly unsuitable.

I don’t like my efforts going 100% to support our household, whilst he has money going out the door to support another family.

I didn’t like men I was dating eyeing up my house to see which bedrooms their kids could have.

I really didn’t like spending my money on toys for my dogs and one man complaining that I would bring gifts back for them and not his kids.

One man I dated said his kids felt uncomfortable around my dogs, so they would need to stay in the garden when his kids were round…whereas my solution was your kids can get comfortable with the dogs or you can go elsewhere. Caused a couple of rows before I binned him off.

Just not happening anymore

Great if it worked for you.
I just don't want to be in the situation where I have to negotiate and ask someone about my hollidays like I am a teenager.
I don't want to share family money on someones other child.
Anything related to someones other child is a fucking chore, and my life is too short for that.
It is quite simple.

I found it hard work when I was a stepparent. That’s because of the adults. My ex was the main culprit, but he along with his ex wife and the in laws made it a thoroughly miserable and stressful experience.

It wasn’t dsc’s fault, but I didn’t enjoy my role in their life 99% of the time. Parents of children in blended families bang on about how they expect stepmums to love and treat stepchildren like their own, but it’s quite difficult to do that when the parents MAKE it difficult!