Market experience with autistic DS, I'm gutted

This!!

You handling an item because you’re planning on purchasing one is not the same as a child handling an item he is definitely not purchasing. Children should not be handling products in the way you have described. Ever.

Unexpected and pleasant interactions happen all the time (partly why I would never willingly go to any sort of market myself!) Lots of people don't like kids touching their stuff, but it sounds like he was overly rude about it (but you don't know if there's a backstory to this, that involves him suffering losses in similar situations).

Regardless, as soon as the interaction became tense/unpleasant I would have removed myself and my child.

I can't visit a market or shop without touching stuff. Should I stay home too until I grow out of it?

YABU. Children shouldn’t be picking up things in shops. You can do role play at home, you don’t need to put someone else’s business assets at risk, especially a small business owner.

If your child had dropped the eyeshadow and broken it, the shopkeeper doesn’t know that you’d pay to cover it - for all he knows he’s left with broken unsellable stock.

"...very firmly, to stop touching the products otherwise we wouldn't be buying the sweet he'd been asking for. "

This (unfair) threat surely was going to lead to a big tantrum (which it did).

The stall owner wasn't great but threatening your child with 'consequences' in a situation where they weren't doing anything wrong was also pretty rubbish.

You could have said it positively ('Let's put that down, pay, and then we'll get your sweets').

It's completely normal for adults to pick stuff up and look.
But little children, despite best intentions, can easily drop something, try to open it and break a seal / lid, have sticky fingers... Etc etc.
The stall holder is fully aware that if the 6yo child makes a simple mistake, which would not be surprising for a young child, their stock still be spoiled, and plenty of people would refuse to pay for it. Maybe you would do the right thing and pay, but he doesn't know you from Adam.

The reaction of the stall holder was understandable, and that's why it's good practice to teach children to look with their eyes not their hands. Then everyone can relax, no accidents to worry about.
The fact you haven't taught him this and had to try to alter his behaviour in that moment and go against his expectations is on you.

The stallholders was rude but my child was not allowed to touch things like that accidents do happen

Sorry but you really needed to tell your ds not to touch. I think ADHD and ASD is a red herring. Hes just being a normal 6 yo. If he can't visit a market without touching stuff then he's too young. Try him again when older.

With the store owner you need to be careful. You can't just pick stuff up. ASK.

I wouldn't go handling make up products on a market stall. Unless it was a basket to rummage in. That's OK. Looking for colours . ( I might still say "can I look for a brown shade?" Etc)

That said, the store owner should have been polite. You were absolutely right to put the stuff back and leave. He didn't deserve your custom. Would have used it as an opportunity to teach your DS to not touch by saying "if you touch we go" then going if he still touched things.

I don’t think 6 year olds should be encouraged to touch merchandise at all?

Eyeshadow palettes can be very fragile.

We have children come into our shop. It's a charity shop and they make a bee line for the toy shelves. They pull all the stuff off the shelves whilst Mum ambles around the shop ignoring them. They break items but the parents never offer to reimburse us.

When my children were small they were told not to touch anything on the shelves and they behaved as I kept my eye on them.

It was unacceptable for your child to keep picking up stuff he was never going to buy and I bet he just randomly put it all back down.
The retailer made it clear to you he wasn't happy about this but you allowed him to keep doing it , no wonder the poor guy got hacked off. Then the spitting started not a great look in front of the other customers.

@NaiceUser if there's no indication of him smashing it then I'm not sure why the stallholder should have said anything. The comparison is really the same - when selling stuff on a stall people will touch the products and it really doesn't matter if it's a cushion (which gets dirty very easily especially with sticky fingers!) or eye shadow (which I suppose has the potential to get smashed if someone decided to throw it which would be weird but also I imagine rare) - as a stallholder you kinda have to accept it. Not sure what your problem is with this comparison.

? I never said OP's son was smashing anything? I was making a general comment about PPs comparison of people touching eyeshadow vs people touching cushions and blankets ?

@NaiceUser not really sure where OP mentioned he was smashing them? He'd have to throw it pretty hard to break it and from OPs description it sounds like he was picking it up and looking at it - so just normal behaviour that all customers do. A silly conclusion to jump to.

Yeah I have to agree with this (as I said I am a parent to DC with Autism). We had a similar issue in hospital recently when DC was waiting for an op. Another child was screaming loudly and ear piercingly shrill which massively distressed DC. I very politely asked nurse if we could move to next room for 10 mins until DC went in rather than ask other child to be quiet in case they too have SEN.
Unfortunately the other parent saw us move and sanctimoniously asked how dare I discriminate against their autistic "kid" and mansplained to us about stimming etc until I pointed out my dc also has autism and is sensitive to sounds. he just froze mid-rant and went a bit sheepish. It felt like a game of top trumps tbh it was exceptionally uncomfortable

Blankets & cushions won’t get smashed like eyeshadow though will they? That's a silly comparison to make

For context, I have an Autistic child myself and work with children with a range of additional needs. I would say that whilst the stall holder was very rude, unnecessarily abrupt and totally would not get a penny from me the twat, your son spitting at you is absolutely appalling and unacceptable. That's not a meltdown that's extremely bad behaviour. My DC wouldn't dare even contemplate such a thing even during the worst meltdown added to overstimulation and tiredness all in one. Never. Yes, all Autistic children are different and respond differently to overstimulation upset or stressful situations but this went beyond that. Autistic children are also capable of misbehaving without it being as a result of their Autism and I think we all forget that sometimes, myself included.
I do understand that your DSs reason for getting upset to begin with was due to his autism but you need to nip the spitting in the bud or it will cause all kinds of issues for him both in a school setting and socially.

@Emmavee1

Did you give your son sweets

After he spat at you?

Yes but most decent people would pay for something if their child broke it regardless of the presence of a sign

Not always! I’ve got friends who own 2 gift shops and before they put up signs re breakages being paid for they said they had countless people knock into them, let kids handle and break them etc and then be rude back if they asked for payment if it was broken so now they said they’ve got a sign up. It seems to put people off messing around with items.

Objectively quite a few things wrong with this encounter. You shouldn't have let your child handle anything in a shop unless either you are buying it or he needs to handle it to decide if he wants it (e.g. toy). The stall holder was unnecessarily rude. I would have walked away at that point. After that if your child touched something else you should have stopped him immediately. But I think getting angry with your child and threatening him with loss of treat was the biggest mistake really. You basically blamed him for the stall holder's unreasonable behaviour as well as your own failure to stop him handling things consistently. Your son hadn't done anything wrong at that point - it would have been better to have gently asked him to put it down and walk away. Especially as you know he can overreact due to his ND. Spitting not ideal but was a direct consequence. I just think the whole scenario set him up to fail and could have been averted at several points.

These things happen though, i'm sure all parents take it out on kids occasionally when things go wrong. I shouted at my 4 year old for getting dog poo in the car earlier... obviously not his fault that some dirty bastard hadn't picked up after their dog at a local kids play area...

Exactly

Also autistic / ADHD and my child/ren are both or combo. Storeholder was rude and I would have left sooner - except you have to remember the stall is his livelihood - its how he earns money to feed and care for himself and possibly a family. It's not there for anyone's kids to play with - which is effectively what your son was doing. He was playing by copying you - he wasn't going to buy eyeshadow for himself. And eyeshadow is fragile once's its knocked and breaks and starts to powder it can't be sold.

I wouldn't allow my child at that age autism or not to touch items on a stall. it's actually pretty entitled of you

Stall holder could have dealt with it better but would you have let him pick up glassware or cakes from another stall - I'm guessing not as he's a child, nothing else - so that would then be mixed messages?