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Original poster

Dss doesn’t want to take part in Easter egg hunt

280 replies

Ohitsallbullshit · 30/03/2024 10:22

I am hosting an Easter egg hunt today for approx 20 children aged 7-13. They are my dc, nephews, nieces and friends dc. Dss is 11, has known most of these children for at lease 6 years, some since he was born.
He has just said he doesn’t want to do the hunt as doesn’t like them. He will sit in his room and game for the time our friends and family are here.

Aibu to say he won’t get any extra eggs and sweets then? I have hidden approx 80 small plastic eggs with sweets and chocolate inside them and they all have a mini eggs boxed egg to take home also.

he already has 4 larger eggs and some money from family and goes to his mums tomorrow. Plus he’s over weight but he will be upset if he doesn’t get the extra the others will get by running around the garden searching.

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Gwenhwyfar · 02/04/2024 10:37

Redmat · 30/03/2024 21:13

Any excuse to game. His mental health is not going to suffer because hes asked to join in with a family activity ( or to watch from the sidelines) . That's complete rubbish.
Only in the last few years have children called the shots in just about every situation.

It's a little kiddies' activity rather than a family activity though isn't it? It'd be different if he was refusing to come out from his room for a special Easter lunch, but an egg hunt shouldn't be compulsory.

godmum56 · 01/04/2024 18:59

alfagirl73 · 30/03/2024 15:58

I hate organised activities like this - always have done. Any kind of "forced fun" is a no-no for me. Here's the thing though - I do like just chilling, hanging out with people at a party, watching others enjoy themselves, and just chatting and relaxing. I'm very happy with that.

Thing is that people tend not to accept that you're perfectly happy and will go on and on to get you to do whatever it is they think you should be doing because it's "FUN!" (except it's fun to them, not to you!).

I wonder if there is a history here of this boy wanting to just chill and socialise in a relaxed "non-forced-fun-activity" way but when he attempts to do so, he gets a lot of pressure to participate in whatever activity is going on? This happened to me a lot as a kid and as a result, there were a few times I'd retreat off to a quiet place because it got so tiresome.

I wonder if he'd be happy just chilling and socialising without participating in the egg hunt (I'd have LOATHED this - chocolate or not!) - but he is saying he wants to go off and game because he knows if he tries to socialise without doing the hunt, he will get endless hassle about it until he feels forced to participate. And even if not forced to do it, I can just hear him getting the endless "oh but you won't get any eggs! you won't get any treats! Look at everyone else! Look at all their eggs! You missed out! Why aren't you joining in? it's fun!" - rather than just enjoying socialising with the boy in a pleasant way.

Just because you've arranged the activity and YOU think it's fun - doesn't mean it's fun to everyone. Just because he's a kid doesn't mean he'll enjoy things that other kids enjoy.

As for should he get eggs? Well - he's not stupid - he knows the eggs are for the hunt right? So don't bang on about it. If if were me I'd hold a couple back for him just to be nice - it doesn't have to turn into such a big drama or big lecture to the boy.

oh my goodness yes.....like you HAVE to come and dance....you HAVE to do karaoke

Redmat · 30/03/2024 21:13

Any excuse to game. His mental health is not going to suffer because hes asked to join in with a family activity ( or to watch from the sidelines) . That's complete rubbish.
Only in the last few years have children called the shots in just about every situation.

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/03/2024 21:00

godmum56 · 30/03/2024 17:34

lets put this comment to a different scenario....say....oh....a BDSM party? Still think people should try it?

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Holy ridiculous false equivalence, Batman!

(Or maybe your Easter egg hunts are just really wild?)

LameBorzoi · 30/03/2024 20:58

godmum56 · 30/03/2024 17:34

lets put this comment to a different scenario....say....oh....a BDSM party? Still think people should try it?

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That's a straw man argument

LameBorzoi · 30/03/2024 20:56

ArcticOwl · 30/03/2024 18:30

Considering the OP was only asking if he shouldn't get the extra eggs, and not if she should force him to do the hunt, its been REALLY inappropriate for all the posters pitching in advising her to do shit like turn off the wifi/punish him for saying he doesn't want to do it.

Turning off the WiFi shouldn't be punishment in this setting. Just adult boundaries on what a child is and isn't allowed to do.

LameBorzoi · 30/03/2024 20:53

ArcticOwl · 30/03/2024 15:36

All you "Kids must join in" people.

Scenario. i live with my mom, ('m 43 btw) if she invited people over that were going to invade my lounge and my personal space, would you expect me to sit around talking to her friends/making tea/serving biscuits or would you tell me it's fine if i want to go do something else?

You'd tell me i'm perfectly within my right to do what i like instead, and you'd tell me my mother had control issues and to set my bounaries.

Why is it ok for me as an adult aged offspring to decide i don't want to socialise with my mothers guests, but not for an 11yo?

You going to tell my mother to turn off the WiFi, or make me read a book instead?
How about my kids, what if they don't want to socialise with Grandmas' guests? You going to tell me to force them downstairs too?

Edited

I would expect an adult to usually say hello.

A quick polite chat is a skill that has to be learned and practiced.

LameBorzoi · 30/03/2024 20:38

ArcticOwl · 30/03/2024 15:31

but it isn't 'real life fun' if it isn't something you want to do, or join in with.

Again, why this obsession in forcing kids to participate when they don't want to?

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Because kids don't learn how to do anything if they aren't given guidance and encouragement.

There's a big spectrum between forcing him to do something that he doesn't want to do, and allowing him to spend all day in an addictive activity

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/03/2024 18:37

ArcticOwl · 30/03/2024 18:27

It's related to looking after our childrens mental health, and respecting their right to choose not to do something they don't want to do.

As plenty of us have said, there are times and places to insist on participation and socialisation during important gatherings and occasions.

An easter egg hunt that he has done the previous 6 years, and this year, for the first time, decided he doesn't want to do, is not an important social occasion where a step parent should have the right to override the childs wishes.

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And I agree he shouldn't have to do the hunt. That's supposed to be fun; no point forcing it if it's not.

Socialising at the wider event ideally would also be fun, but that's not the sole point of it. It's also about connecting with people and making them feel valued by giving a little time and social effort. You can't always avoid every event you don't fancy to hole up and play on the computer. If this is the worst thing he has to endure to be a normally socialised human, he's very lucky.

ArcticOwl · 30/03/2024 18:30

Considering the OP was only asking if he shouldn't get the extra eggs, and not if she should force him to do the hunt, its been REALLY inappropriate for all the posters pitching in advising her to do shit like turn off the wifi/punish him for saying he doesn't want to do it.

ArcticOwl · 30/03/2024 18:27

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/03/2024 18:24

As children, and indeed as adults, you don't always get a say in every occasion that you attend. Sadly you can't always opt out of everything in order to play video games. If you're decently socialised (and additional needs aside, which I hope goes without saying), you invoke those social skills that you've hopefully learned - partly through experiences like this -
and you make pleasant conversation rather than ignoring everyone whenever you feel like it, no matter what's going on. He doesn't need to do the hunt if it's not fun but he can't just go and game whenever he wants when something is happening.

Were people always like this? I think the pandemic made a lot of people regress in their social skills and they haven't relearned them. I wonder if it's connected to the fashion for performative, self-righteous misanthropy and the constant conflation of introversion with antisocialness.

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It's related to looking after our childrens mental health, and respecting their right to choose not to do something they don't want to do.

As plenty of us have said, there are times and places to insist on participation and socialisation during important gatherings and occasions.

An easter egg hunt that he has done the previous 6 years, and this year, for the first time, decided he doesn't want to do, is not an important social occasion where a step parent should have the right to override the childs wishes.

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/03/2024 18:24

godmum56 · 30/03/2024 17:31

but if you had no say in the planning of the gathering?

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As children, and indeed as adults, you don't always get a say in every occasion that you attend. Sadly you can't always opt out of everything in order to play video games. If you're decently socialised (and additional needs aside, which I hope goes without saying), you invoke those social skills that you've hopefully learned - partly through experiences like this -
and you make pleasant conversation rather than ignoring everyone whenever you feel like it, no matter what's going on. He doesn't need to do the hunt if it's not fun but he can't just go and game whenever he wants when something is happening.

Were people always like this? I think the pandemic made a lot of people regress in their social skills and they haven't relearned them. I wonder if it's connected to the fashion for performative, self-righteous misanthropy and the constant conflation of introversion with antisocialness.

BibbleandSqwauk · 30/03/2024 18:19

Might he be persuaded to help you set it up and then maybe do the hunt with one of the youngest ones? So he's involved but not participating directly? Or do something else to help with the day..prep lunch or something? I'm a bit torn on this as my DD often gets overwhelmed with too many people and wants to hide away and it's finding the balance between teaching acceptable social norms and respecting her choices.

Mummame2222 · 30/03/2024 18:07

FangsForTheMemory · 30/03/2024 15:02

I haven't got children, so you got that wrong too. I've been a child though, and I wasn't allowed to behave like this lad.

Also, you need to look up what 'gross' means because you seem to have got that wrong as well.

HTH.

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Oh good.

ToWhitToWhoo · 30/03/2024 17:37

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/03/2024 17:17

It's not a punishment, it's because you don't hole away ignoring everyone at a planned gathering.

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Looking at it from a guest's point of view, I'd much rather that someone who didn't enjoy such occasions holed away ignoring me, than that they joined in just because they'd been forced to take part. (And yes, I've experienced both from hosts' family members.)

If he were a host, it would be different; but he wasn't in any way involved in planning the gathering.

godmum56 · 30/03/2024 17:35

Twoboysanddog · 30/03/2024 16:41

Omg Mumsnet is a weird place..lots of 11 year olds would say they don't want to do something..mine didn't want to go for a walk or out somewhere for a family trip but if you "make" them they enjoy it..i definitely don't think they should be allowed to opt out and just spend the day gaming..imagine the uproar if you said I don't make my Dss join in with family events & let him spend 12 hours+ plus gaming! Get real people, they don't have to join in the egg hunt but they do not get to spend the time gaming..just plain rude!

who said the party is going on for 12 hours plus?

godmum56 · 30/03/2024 17:34

PassingStranger · 30/03/2024 16:43

Yes true and how do you not know your going to enjoy something unless you join in.

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lets put this comment to a different scenario....say....oh....a BDSM party? Still think people should try it?

RandomMess · 30/03/2024 17:31

No chance he will help set it up?

godmum56 · 30/03/2024 17:31

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/03/2024 17:17

It's not a punishment, it's because you don't hole away ignoring everyone at a planned gathering.

Show quote history

but if you had no say in the planning of the gathering?

exerciseshmexercise · 30/03/2024 17:19

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/03/2024 17:17

It's not a punishment, it's because you don't hole away ignoring everyone at a planned gathering.

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But it isn't his choice of a gathering.

If my stepmum has friends round at her house, do I have to go and be sociable and sit with them? I don't like them, why would I have to do that? Why wouldn't it be ok to pass myself and then go elsewhere?

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/03/2024 17:17

ToWhitToWhoo · 30/03/2024 16:48

I think he has a right not to take part if he doesn't want to; and that this should be accepted. It's supposed to be a fun activity, not a grim duty.

I do think that if he doesn't take part, he should not get the extra eggs, as they are a part of the activity that he has refused. But I don't think that he should be punished for not taking part by having WiFi turned off or screens removed, etc. I am not objecting to general restrictions on amount of screentime allowed, but they should not be used to punish him for not engaging in what is intended as a fun activity.

It's not a punishment, it's because you don't hole away ignoring everyone at a planned gathering.

Marblessolveeverything · 30/03/2024 16:52

@PassingStranger I must have been a genius because I would have known it was my version of a nightmare, it still is.

It isn't rude to abstain from social gatherings that is actually quite ableist to say that. Not everyone has to be presented for the hosts friends. My goodness I am beginning to be so grateful to mother and my family who never forced a child to jolly along.

Those of you saying similar not realising you are saying to that child young feelings mean nothing, you have no choice, lovely.

ToWhitToWhoo · 30/03/2024 16:48

I think he has a right not to take part if he doesn't want to; and that this should be accepted. It's supposed to be a fun activity, not a grim duty.

I do think that if he doesn't take part, he should not get the extra eggs, as they are a part of the activity that he has refused. But I don't think that he should be punished for not taking part by having WiFi turned off or screens removed, etc. I am not objecting to general restrictions on amount of screentime allowed, but they should not be used to punish him for not engaging in what is intended as a fun activity.

PassingStranger · 30/03/2024 16:43

Twoboysanddog · 30/03/2024 16:41

Omg Mumsnet is a weird place..lots of 11 year olds would say they don't want to do something..mine didn't want to go for a walk or out somewhere for a family trip but if you "make" them they enjoy it..i definitely don't think they should be allowed to opt out and just spend the day gaming..imagine the uproar if you said I don't make my Dss join in with family events & let him spend 12 hours+ plus gaming! Get real people, they don't have to join in the egg hunt but they do not get to spend the time gaming..just plain rude!

Yes true and how do you not know your going to enjoy something unless you join in.

Twoboysanddog · 30/03/2024 16:41

Omg Mumsnet is a weird place..lots of 11 year olds would say they don't want to do something..mine didn't want to go for a walk or out somewhere for a family trip but if you "make" them they enjoy it..i definitely don't think they should be allowed to opt out and just spend the day gaming..imagine the uproar if you said I don't make my Dss join in with family events & let him spend 12 hours+ plus gaming! Get real people, they don't have to join in the egg hunt but they do not get to spend the time gaming..just plain rude!