Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find my parents increasingly difficult to host

164 replies

inthebosc · 30/03/2024 05:18

Nearing my wits end with sleeping arrangements!

We live in a three bed terrace. Our bedroom, the baby's room and a box room which we use as an office. So not much wiggle room when it comes to guests. My parents (late 60s/early 70s) live a couple of hours away so tend to stay the night when they visit.

When they first stayed they slept on a sturdy blow up king mattress which had very good reviews. We chose it together. This lasted a few visits and they said it was great...until it unceremoniously deflated at 1am one time.

We then invested in a fold up double bed. Again, very good reviews. They stayed on this once for several nights and at the time said everything was fine, until the next time they arrived and my dad announced he'd sleep on the sofa instead as the mattress of the bed was too thin.

DH not keen on having anyone on the sofa so offers them our bed instead whilst we take the fold up. All good, until it emerges the next day that my dad took all the blankets leaving my mum was too cold to sleep. She's knackered.

Fast forward to this time - we offer our bed again and a ridiculous amount of bedding and they come armed with loads of blankets too. Great. Everyone happy. Until 4am when I go downstairs with a slightly grumpy baby in pursuit of more nappies and...wake my mum up, who's trying to sleep on the sofa for some reason.

Arghhhh! AIBU to just want guests in a bed in a room? This makes it sound like I don't want to host my parents but it's the opposite - I just want things to go as smoothly as possible. Also grappling with a 9 month old baby who doesn't sleep well at night so it would be good to know that at least everyone else is taken care of!

OP posts:
DeedlessIndeed · 30/03/2024 08:16

Whilst I disagree with your DH about wearing out the sofa, I do think someone sleeping on the sofa makes a whole other zone of the house unusable in the early morning (and overnight if feeding the baby), which is unacceptable.

Baby's needs have to come first here.

rookiemere · 30/03/2024 08:16

PermanentTemporary · 30/03/2024 08:00

I'm trying to imagine finding my daughter in law, mother of a new baby, on the floor in the morning while my ds was in the bed. I'd literally drag my ds off the bed.

I'm trying to imagine the scenario where I expect my DIL and DS to sleep in one single bed because I am too stingy/clueless to understand that 2 adults need a double.

Boomer55 · 30/03/2024 08:16

As an older person, DH and I always slept together, but when visiting relatives, we actually preferred to stay in a local hotel.

We need some space, and liked to get up in the morning without other adults and children around.

They might actually prefer it. 🙂

rookiemere · 30/03/2024 08:15

inthebosc · 30/03/2024 08:13

Re trundle beds/two singles - DH and I considered them, but if they can't sleep in a super king together then realistically I don't think they can be in the same room. It's presumably a noise thing rather than just space.

This is why you need to speak to your DM and see what might work.

Original poster
inthebosc · 30/03/2024 08:13

Re trundle beds/two singles - DH and I considered them, but if they can't sleep in a super king together then realistically I don't think they can be in the same room. It's presumably a noise thing rather than just space.

OP posts:
tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 30/03/2024 08:12

Sitting on the sofa to watch tv for a few hours is different to 6/8 hours sleeping on it. Also many people don't shower before bed, may have night sweats (me) or slobber on it. Even with covers in it's still going to get grubby but more difficult to clean than a bed.

Fairyliz · 30/03/2024 08:11

I can guarantee it’s your dad. DH and I are in our 60’s and he simply cannot sleep anywhere except his own bed and gets grumpier and grumpier if we go away for a couple of days.
Speaking to friends their husbands are the same. Yet another reason I would say to young women do not marry an older man.

Mynewnameis · 30/03/2024 08:09

Sounds like me and dh. I don't like staying away and explaining I can't sleep in the same room as him.

susiedaisy1912 · 30/03/2024 08:09

Set your boundaries op. They will only get worse as they get older. They need a local BB with separate beds.

TwoShades1 · 30/03/2024 08:08

I think this is more a DH and sofa issue than your parents. My mum would never sleep on a sofa. My MIL on the other hand often sleeps on the sofa despite there being ample beds. I think your dh needs to relax about the sofa and let your parents crack on with sleeping wherever they want. If it’s really not working for them, then they need to book a hotel or Airbnb near you instead.

VickyEadieofThigh · 30/03/2024 08:07

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 30/03/2024 07:12

Could one of them have insomnia, not unusual as people age. Generally the best advice is to get up and go elsewhere until feel tired again, perhaps she just fell asleep. Although two hours doesn't sound like a long drive, it is four hours there and back and as people get older their safe driving range often decreases a bit too. I am not sure what the solution is but do your parents know that dh doesn't like them sleeping on the sofa? How often do you visit them? Can you sleep there? Unfortunately as they get older it will probably increasingly be you visiting them unless they can move nearer to you.

This. I suffer terrible insomnia and have now slept in a separate bedroom from my partner since January, when my insomnia cranked up into 'not falling asleep until 5 or 6am' mode.

It's easy to say "can't they just put up with it for a few nights" but the reality for some of us (it really does become a thing for many people when they hit about 60 - I'm almost 66) is that it's utter torture.

BroughttoyoubyBerocca · 30/03/2024 08:06

I came to pot this recommendation, with a topper that dan be stored behind it. https://www.made.com/shop/sofas/f/function-sofabed?p=1#155

however I don’t think that the bed is the issue tbh. Can your spare room fit two singles? Or a day bed that pulls out? Onto different levels? Do they don’t lie next to one another?

as for sleeping on the floor at theirs, I would refuse to stay

Sofa Beds | Futons | MADE

Shop Sofa Beds at MADE. Stylish and unique pieces to upgrade your home. Visit our website now.

https://www.made.com/shop/sofas/f/function-sofabed?p=1#155

BrioNotBiro · 30/03/2024 08:03

As has been suggested upthead, would a truckle bed be a solution?

PermanentTemporary · 30/03/2024 08:00

I'm trying to imagine finding my daughter in law, mother of a new baby, on the floor in the morning while my ds was in the bed. I'd literally drag my ds off the bed.

CheeseDreamsTonight · 30/03/2024 07:58

@inthebosc I wonder if you got some throws and foam mattress protector to put on the sofa your husband wouldn't mind as much. To be honest, sitting on a sofa would do more damage than an evenly spread out weight if someone sleeping I would think.

PermanentTemporary · 30/03/2024 07:58

What? You sleep on the floor when staying at your parents? And your dh takes the bed?

Is there room for a double bed in that room? Because if there is, your parents are being unacceptably frugal at your expense.

PermanentTemporary · 30/03/2024 07:55

Oh Gawd I'm.a twat re the spare room, sorry.

We just never had a spare room so we went to them or they came for the day - so it shouldn't have been hard for me to understand that!

Original poster
inthebosc · 30/03/2024 07:54

Thanks, all - I really do appreciate the replies.

To answer the questions re visits, we roughly alternate, although perhaps we've done more of the visiting in recent times. Funnily enough, when we stay at theirs I sleep on the floor of my old room 😅 they only have single beds so I give DH my old one. I always used to do that as a teenager when friends stayed - old habits die hard! I guess my sleep needs are not that high, which makes all the bed hopping even more baffling to me.

I've also told them both before that we'd prefer for no-one to sleep on the sofa. I'm not personally bothered about it getting worn but I said we'd like to find a sustainable arrangement that means they can carry on visiting and be comfortable as they and DD get older, and that's not the sofa. As comfy as it might be it's not going to cut it forever in terms of support etc. and we're going to need free access to downstairs (which is open plan) from early morning in not long. Seems I will need to have this conversation again...

OP posts:
HoopLaLah · 30/03/2024 07:52

inthebosc · 30/03/2024 06:49

Thanks, everyone. I gather that as a default they do still share a bed at home but more often than not my mum decamps to another room as my dad is quite quick to complain about noise/movement etc. I expect it was the same last night. I haven't spoken to her yet (turned the light back off as soon as I saw her in the hope that she'd be able to go straight back to sleep and ran off with the grumbling baby who is still in my arms 😅).

Our bed is a super king. They have a regular double or maybe at maximum a queen at home?

On the odd occasion that they travel together (e.g. hotel or staying with friends) they share a room/bed. So surely having our room/bed comes to the same thing?

I think what makes me sad about a hotel is that realistically they would visit us less. They for some reason have got used to living very frugally/simply and I can't see them paying to stay anywhere more than once or twice a year perhaps. It's then likely to be more pressure on us to go and visit them which isn't always easy with the baby and work.

but more often than not my mum decamps to another room as my dad is quite quick to complain about noise/movement etc.

That must be hard for your mum.

I bet she loves spending time with her daughter and grandchild but she’s got a husband who makes sharing a bed unpleasant and a son in law who puts her daughter under additional stress by inventing a “no sleeping on sofas” rule.

If you want your parents to come and stay then tell your husband that either he does all the night wakings with your baby or he stops making things difficult/ nagging you when your parents stay.

If you don’t want your parents to stay, suggest a hotel.

One thing to consider is: are you hoping they will be able to help out with occasional weekend childcare in the future? If so, don’t burn your weekend visit bridges, and point out to your husband that it’s in his own long term interest to chill out about his weird sofa rule.

Teateaandmoretea · 30/03/2024 07:50

There isn’t a spare room, that is literally the problem.

PermanentTemporary · 30/03/2024 07:43

I think having a conversation with them wold be best - agree that offering two single beds in the spare room to your mum might do it - but I would also suggest the hotel option. I do think they need to know that for your house, the sofa is not an option. Tbh although I wouldn't care about people sleeping on the sofa, its not unreasonable to feel that way and it's disruptive to have guests in the main living space.

Financially do you think they could pay for a hotel, but won't, or do you think they couldn't? It's great to live frugally as long as it doesn't affect other people.

KCSIE · 30/03/2024 07:43

HungryandIknowit · 30/03/2024 06:10

They should stay in a local hotel. You will get better rest as well.

Yep this. I'd have suggested this o their second visit if it was my parents! I'm a like it or lump it kinda person though rather than a bend over backwards for impossible to please people 😆

Also agree with your DH - unless it's a sofa bed, then the sofa isn't for sleeping on!

jaxmollie · 30/03/2024 07:42

Calamitousness · 30/03/2024 07:35

@PurpleWhirple not wanting someone sleeping on your sofa is not weird. I wouldn’t let a house guest sleep on any of my sofas. Two are velvet and one is leather and I wouldn’t want anybody lying sleeping on them. Bodies sweat and so on, even through bed linen. I appreciate people sit on them but it’s not the same as sleeping and their fully clothed. The thought gives me massive ick.

Totally agree with this!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/03/2024 07:41

I doesn’t sound like it’s your parents, it sounds like it’s your dad that’s the problem! Would they come and visit separately?

Otherwise I agree a cheap hotel is the answer.

Netaporter · 30/03/2024 07:41

@inthebosc can you have a chat with everyone at breakfast? It does seem unfair you are caught in the middle of trying to please everyone on 45 mins sleep. They are the closest people to you, you are a new mum and getting no sleep. They should be wanting to help you not add to your emotional load. Petty arguments about blankets, sofas etc is not exactly supportive behaviour by any of them at this point is it? I don’t think your DH is being unreasonable but he is by making you deal with it.