To find my parents increasingly difficult to host

For Future perhaps 2 smallish singles that can join to make a large double gives flexibility ?

I think what makes me sad about a hotel is that realistically they would visit us less. They for some reason have got used to living very frugally/simply and I can't see them paying to stay anywhere more than once or twice a year perhaps. It's then likely to be more pressure on us to go and visit them which isn't always easy with the baby and work.

I get it OP, I really do, although I don't have this problem my parents are their age and they sound very much cut from the same cloth. Mine are very used to trundling along in their habits and trying to get them to change anything is a nightmare.

The thing is that you seem to have run out of other options. I think you need to tell them outright that DH doesn't want the sofa being slept on at all (it's possible they've taken what you have said as "we want to be good hosts so that you don't have to sleep on the sofa") - and send them a list of B&Bs, travel lodge etc to choose from the next time. Have a conversation up front about how you won't be able to travel to them more with a small child and that you hope that paying for a hotel room won't put them off coming as often.

If dad raises you living in a 4 bed house again, as him if he's willing to pay!

This is definitely what OP should do - we love our family, but worked out quite quickly having kids changed the dynamic of our needs - we don't stay with family and family don't stay with us, hotels all the way and everyone happy on visits.

Have another chat with them.

Realistically as they get older they'd be doing that drive less anyway, and eventually maybe not at all depending on their driving ability.

Discuss why mum ended up on the sofa, and what their needs are for a good night's sleep.

Before the discussion have a nosy for local B&Bs, hotels, Airbnbs, etc. Is their frugality a necessity or a choice?? If it's a choice then they may need in future to choose to either pay for an overnight stay somewhere, or only come for the day.

Would meeting halfway for a day out together be an option instead of them coming all the way to you or you them?

Agreed. I bet they do. It's more common than many think.

I don't know. It depends on the situation. I'm a way better sleeper than my dh. I can sleep anywhere he would really struggle

Premier inn or B&B for them every time. Make it the new normal.

Op I think you might be an angel, as other posters say if they can’t figure out sleeping together they’re going to find it harder in someone else’s house!!! And I hope someday someone figures out the inflatable mattress thing- we had the same- 3 o clock in the morning screaming because it was deflating on my niece, another one went on bil!!

I said we'd like to find a sustainable arrangement that means they can carry on visiting and be comfortable as they and DD get older, and that's not the sofa.

I think you might need to be clearer. This is sounding like you don't want her on the sofa for her comfort. She probably thinks 'oh well I don't mind if it is a bit uncomfortable and although they have given me their bed I still can't sleep there due to dh snoring/ moving/ insomnia so I will not complain because it will look rude as dd thinks she has solved the issue'.

You need to be clear that dh does not want anyone sleeping on the sofa and so that is out of bounds. Bearing that in mind what alternative solutions will help her to sleep?

Why don't you meet up half way? Hour's journey each? No overnight needed?

Yeah I know the parents should provide a double for them, that was in the post before that. I was charitably assuming that the room was too small for a double (though obviously in that case the parents should think of another solution). I don't have a daughter so just was thinking aloud about the sheer outrage I would feel to find that the nursing mother in this scenario hadn't been given the bed, no matter whose house it was.

This is why we have a no guests rule.

Exactly. Nothing else to add.

Twin beds in local hotel

You might find they naturally want to stay less as they get older anyway. This is certainly the case with my parents. When my kids were small they would frequently stay. Now and probably since Covid they’ve stayed once. They are also 2 hours away but prefer to just do a day trip which actually suits us better.
You can only provide a space to sleep and rules ie the sofa is not for sleeping on (though this is a silly rule)
Its up to them what they do with that

My parents had an uncomfortable double bed in their spare room and I had a couple of shit nights in it. So I said to them ‘You won’t know this as you don’t sleep in it, but that bed has had its day and double beds are too small for two adults and if you add an occasional bed sharing toddler to the mix it’s completely impossible. Please could you get a new king size bed with a good mattress if you’d like us to carry on staying over’

King bed arrived. Job done.

I live outside the UK and my parents used to stay with us on an airbed. Until we had our first DC and we decided no overnight guests anymore. My DF was a bit offended at first but I think he realised that staying in a hotel/B&B is way more comfortable for them, especially as DC got older (and they can leave the chaos behind and retreat to their quiet hotel!). My DC struggle when outside of their routine so it works better now they're older too.

The problem with sleeping in a sofa isn't weight, it's drool. Especially if they've come down on a whim and it hasn't been prepared and fully covered. And yes, the sleeping presence when you come down on the morning is awkward.

Have you actually asked then went they're not just staying in the good sized bed you've given them?

Op your post was triggering! My dp are the same, my dm sleeps terribly, df snores like a bear, so they sleep separately at home. So when they stay with us it's assumed we'll have TWO guest rooms and beds (and bedding) all made for them, with no effort or acknowledgement that this is so inconvenient.

My mum kept suggesting staying on the sofa when our kids are up at 6 and she prefers to sleep as late as possible, and was put out that I said we'd still have to be up and about as usual.

After our third was born and we no longer had the room (or the fucks to give) they stopped staying as it just couldn't work.

I also find it irritating when guests go rogue.

It's not at her MIL's that this happens though, it's at her parent's house. Her parents are the ones being rude and unaccommodating, so she lets DH have the bed as it's her family causing the problems.

And if you were the parent in question and rude enough to not provide enough beds for your guests, you shouldn't be dragging your DS out the one single for his wife's benefit, you should be sleeping on the floor and they can have the beds.

They just need to stay in a hotel. Next time when they arrive say 'parents we don't anyone to be uncomfortable or struggle to sleep and our sofa Is not an option so we've booked you into the local Premier inn- perhaps we can alternate who pays for this when you visit' also can't believe you sleep on the floor of your old room when you go there and they just let you do that 🤦‍♀️ at least bring one of your air beds with you next time. Secondly if they choose to visit less because they're being tight with money that's up to them but at least once I'd probably pay for them to say there just to be kind but also to make a point. I have a big 3 bed house with one bedroom big enough to have my daughters single bed and a double blow up bed so we do that occasionally for guests but generally most people just stay in a hotel.. some travelodges/premier inns are about £30 a night.

I think the dh has invented issues with the sofa as he doesn't like waking up and finding his mil asleep in the living room.
I am also surprised no one has mentioned 'sleep smell', I can always tell when someone has stayed over in our house from the smell, it's easy to change bed linen but it would take a while to dissipate from a sofa!

Mine are like this too...doesn't matter what backbending arrangements I make my dm always complains that she had a terrible night....when she has had my bed or the sofa bed with a £200 mattress topper on and I've made a up a separate single mattress my df....and I've slept on the bloody floor in one of the kids rooms. I gave up and sleep in my own bed and let them complain now.

It’s because they see the OP as a child.