To find my parents increasingly difficult to host

Tbh the airbed deflating suggests there might have been some shifting about and problems during the night. But possibly I'm projecting here, in that my family would refuse to say anything was wrong in the same way.

I can't fathom why the airbed was suitable until it deflated but the situation with them in your bed isn't working surely if they struggle to sleep together, an airbed together would be actual hell on earth?!

We are the same age as your parents and yes we have trouble sleeping together. For the last few years we have slept in separate rooms at home. When we go on holiday, I always make sure it is at least a king, preferably a super king bed. If we are going to see friends or family we always prefer to stay in a nearby hotel.
You should not give up your own bed nor should guests sleep on the sofa.
Just tell your parents you don’t want them changing rooms. Maybe suggest that they stay at an hotel.

I also think the issue is your Dad. He complained about the thin mattress, he steals the blankets from your mum, he cannot sleep with her in the same room/bed.

Is it that actually, he finds the visits, the drive, the sleeping arrangements, a bit much? Much as he surely loves you and his grandchild, he may just be finding it too tiring to enjoy.

Is it possible for your mum to come alone - either on the train, or perhaps dad takes her halfway and you meet them and drive her to yours?

This approach worked well for MIL. DH drove her halfway to his brothers and BIL met them - it was so much easier than one person doing all the driving.

It honestly sounds to me as if you need to have some firm words with your dad! They share a room at home, in a smaller bed than the superking you've made available to them. He steals all the covers and complains about your mum disturbing him so she ends up down on the sofa. He's being a pain.

Yes, it's never comfortable to raise topics like this with a parent. But put your big girl pants on and take the stance that when he's under your roof he doesn't cause you problems.

I'd also be asking my mum what he's doing about his sleep, since he pulls these stunts at home too.

For now, if the living room is still usable, I'd probably put a blow up in there for one of them as an alternative to the sofa.

But it's not a long term solution. So unless you're planning to move any time soon, that means one couple will have to go in a hotel. If you think the financials of this are going to lead to more pressure on you to travel there and you'd rather not, then the least faff option for you might be offering to fund the hotel yourselves.

My DH and I are the same and a hotel bed is totally different because it's much bigger and there's more space. We only have a small house so not enough room for a big bed at home, and we'd interrupt each other's sleep far too much.

In laws are encouraged to stay at a local airbnb. When we visit other people we also prefer a hotel or airbnb. And that's without a baby involved.

I nicknamed my mum goldilocks for this reason! 6 bedrooms to chose from, too light, too dark, superking bed too big, duvet too heavy - turns matyr and sleeps on sofa.

You say they're frugal, could you afford to pay for a premier inn type room for them if booked in advance? As you say otherwise you will end up visiting them and if you factor in petrol and multiple services stops because you have a little one then it might not be much more in terms of cost. Let alone the time / effort in you making the trip.

I think hotel rooms also gives a bit of time and space to chill out for everyone.

So we're different. I can empathise with those who cannot face such a journey, however. My back pain and sleep deprivation make it harder for ME.

There are lots of options you could consider if you want to be able to host your parents.
Box room is an office. Could you put some kind of fold up bed in there? Like a futon, or one of thr more expensive fold into a cupboard types?
So the baby has a double room? What sort of bed is in there? Easiest solution for guests I'd if there are twin beds in there, or a double. Baby cones in to your room in travel cot if there are guests. When older she can sleep on camp bed in your room, on pull out bed in office, or in one of the twins in her own room if comfortable with a guest.
For now having an extra bed in her room will be useful if she wakes at night.

I think the solution to your problem is more flexible and better planned beds.

@VickyEadieofThigh When I was younger, I'd have said exactly this. Now I'm mid-sixties, I find the concept of a four hour round trip in one day awful.

It creeps up on you, the fatigue when driving.

I am 70 this year and we would think nothing of doing this drive. it is easy!

This problem will get worse not better as they age, OP, and the last thing you want is it coming to a head one weekend and an unpleasant conversation taking place.

It might be a good idea to make the local B&B the new normal, be firm about it, get them used to it before they become properly old. If they genuinely struggle financially, help them out with the bill if you can.

Definitely a hotel or air bnb nearby. They may prefer it anyway, I hate staying in other people's houses.

When I was younger, I'd have said exactly this. Now I'm mid-sixties, I find the concept of a four hour round trip in one day awful.

It creeps up on you, the fatigue when driving.

The living simply and more frugally.

Even if they have ok pensions if they have been retired for a while they probably do not have the capacity to replenish savings. Even if they had some in the first place.

We have worked out future financial projections for retirement and are on the more desirable end of the scale when you investigate what is considered a comfortable retirement. The gap as soon as we have both retired in the interim years before state pension kicks in is a drop in income of close to 50%. It’s a massive mind adjustment.

I'd put them on the pull out and sofa (it's just a sofa). I wouldn't give up my bed for them if I had a baby to nurse, sorry.

@inthebosc two hours away isnt far! why cant they just drive home?

This is it, exactly

When people get older they find or increasingly difficult to get a good night’s sleep. You’ve gone out of your way to accommodate them @inthebosc but enough is enough. From now on, they do day trips or a B&B.

Argh I hate this! I would rather have a child sleep on an airbed in my room so that relatives have a room then have people sleeping in my living areas because sometimes I don’t sleep very well and I like to be able to get and make a cup of tea in the night if I want to. In this case, could you have baby in with you, and a parent in either room even if one has a single airbed in the box room?

This all sounds annoying op. I think the best way is to have a private discussion with your mum to find out what the problem actually is before trying more solutions which would likely be wasted effort!

When we were in our first house and DC was a toddler we had sleeping shenanigans with pil and it did my head in! They lived hours away so would stay for a few days to a week a few times a year. 2 bedrooms, 2nd not big enough for a double...

Firstly we gave them our room and slept downstairs on an airbed, and put up with a poor night's sleep when the household disruption would inevitably disturb dc, and the annoyance that one of them would come through living room verrry early to make tea and wake us up.

Then they got a new dog. First visit, he didn't settle and we were kept awake most of the night because they miraculously didn't hear him, followed by the usual noisy early cuppa. Second visit we thought he was no longer a pup so would be ok. Wrong. "Light-hearted" joking about how I like to sleep in (yeah, it's 6.20am and I'm knackered I'm such a lazy mare).

So next time we had them downstairs to be able to get up as early as they like, let the dog out etc. Apparently the (best quality we could find plus nice topper) airbed was too low down and they struggled to get up.

So we bought one of those camp bed things to put it on.... Too high 😂

We have a lot more space now. The dog is getting old and is good as gold. They sleep in later than us. Hang on in there op..!

can you speak to them first?

Having now lived with my aging mum I see this from both sides.

I think it genuinely is increasingly hard for her to settle in someone else's house because the different chairs and beds cause some pain, because she worries about getting to a toilet in the night safely and quickly, and so on.

She's not making it up and doesn't suffer from significant health things, it's just age making it harder and harder for her to be comfortable outside her home and her stuff.

Sorry op but in have just been in fits of giggles imagining the blow up bed deflating at 1am. My mum and dad had the same thing once as we didn't have a bed in our spare room and they were happy to sleep on blow-up. However in middle of night all we could was it deflating everythime one rolled over and then the inevitable ' Tom, tom I'm on the floor ' from my mum. ( in a hyacinth bucket voice).

But from what you describe I think they should be having a conversation between themselves and agree that a cheap hotel would be better. I'm sure itbwould make it easier for you and baby as well and they can come to you in the morning refreshed and happy to help 🤞. My parents seemed very reluctant to try b&b when visiting others however in last few years they tried it and now its not really a discussion unless they stay with a very close friend. They value having somewhere to go back to. The decision to b&b more when visiting family I think came from lots of family getting dogs and my mum not really liking dogs.

I agree with you DH about sleeping on sofa. It sounds like your family are happy to sleep on floor, sofa and make doo ( which is similar to mine) but in 70s my parents just had to come to the conclusion that they were too old to camp or sleep on temporary beds as they used to be able to do. It sounds like you have been more than accommodating!! Maybe invent a reason why spare room is not available and ask them to try travellodge next visit and see how they find it?