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AIBU?

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Original poster

Gaslighting

44 replies

nameshame24 · 29/03/2024 20:46

I have just taken myself to bed as feeling very tired and not 100% well. My daughter (6) came in to say good night to me. My husband followed, he's in a wind up mood and just pissing about like a hyper child. He then went to the end of the bed and started tickling my feet (I am extremely ticklish and really really didn't want him to do it) I said 'please don't or I will kick' (kicking is an involuntary motion of the tickling and I didn't want to hurt him) he didn't listen and carried on tickling me so I kicked, I accidentally kicked my LG in the chin luckily not badly but enough to make her upset. He then said 'that's your fault that is' which made me so angry because it absolutely wasn't my fault, I asked him not to do it and told him I would kick. He was adamant it was my fault and said he would take no blame so I argued back that if he hadn't have tickled I wouldn't have kicked. I was really annoyed visibly upset about it and then he started laughing at me saying I'm taking it all much too seriously. I then said he was gaslighting me. He went nuts and started raising his voice at me to say i have made a serious accusation about him and have done so in front of our daughter and I'm totally out of order to do so, because he wasn't gaslighting me and so on. He's extremely upset with me now and I'm left here thinking AIBU?

OP posts:
K37529 · 29/03/2024 23:27

Yous are both bu. He is in the wrong because you told him to stop and he kept going so it is his fault that you kicked your daughter. However that obviously wasn’t his intention and to him he was just messing about, hes an asshole for blaming you though as it’s 100% his fault. Gaslighting is a form of abuse, what you have described here is not abuse, so I can see why he is pissed off.

ChedderGorgeous · 29/03/2024 23:12

Although being very annoying, he wasn't gaslighting you.

Original poster
nameshame24 · 29/03/2024 23:08

Rocknrolla21 · 29/03/2024 22:56

Gaslighting would be him denying he even tickled you in the first place. You must have imagined it or be making it up. You’re using it as an excuse to kick your daughter in the face on purpose.
Hes a nasty, abusive prick, and this obviously wasn’t your fault. It’s not gaslighting though

Edited

So maybe I do need to apologise for saying he was gaslighting me then? Although it feels annoying I should have to do that when he was being a manipulative prick.
Maybe if tomorrow I say 'I'm sorry I said that you were gaslighting me, upon reflection you weren't so I shouldn't have said that but I felt like you were twisting what had happened to make me look like the bad person and then when I was upset about it you laughed at me so I also feel I am owed an apology'

OP posts:
Rocknrolla21 · 29/03/2024 23:00

PrincessTeaSet · 29/03/2024 22:52

Gaslighting to me is he blames you for kicking your daughter then when you get upset tells you you are too serious.

Gaslighting is when they change the facts of the event, and then try to make you feel like you’ve got the whole thing wrong. It’s trying to make you change your memory of the event. ‘I tickled you but it’s your fault you kicked her’ is not gaslighting.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 29/03/2024 22:57

He sounds utterly horrible.

Does he have any redeeming features?

OP, he was gaslighting you and seems to be very controlling too. He is clearly not happy you went to bed early so wanted to annoy you and punish you for doing this.

I bet you wish you’d kicked him really hard in his bollocks.

In your shoes, I would not be moving past the is unless there was a serious and heartfelt apology and a change in his shitty behaviour.

Rocknrolla21 · 29/03/2024 22:56

Gaslighting would be him denying he even tickled you in the first place. You must have imagined it or be making it up. You’re using it as an excuse to kick your daughter in the face on purpose.
Hes a nasty, abusive prick, and this obviously wasn’t your fault. It’s not gaslighting though

PrincessTeaSet · 29/03/2024 22:52

Gaslighting to me is he blames you for kicking your daughter then when you get upset tells you you are too serious.

Original poster
nameshame24 · 29/03/2024 22:48

cherish123 · 29/03/2024 22:41

He sounds annoying and I'd be annoyed but this is not gaslighting!

Interesting. What would you say is gaslighting? I thought it was when someone manipulates a situation/twists it to make you to be the bad person in the scenario? I realise there are other examples of gaslighting but that being one.

OP posts:
Original poster
nameshame24 · 29/03/2024 22:46

Gcsunnyside23 · 29/03/2024 22:38

I would give him the silent treatment right back. I take it you usually give in first and speak and try to make things better? He sounds like an asshole

If I'm being completely honest no, I'm not good at saying sorry and am also a very stubborn person (as is he). However, because his reaction was so strong to me saying he was gaslighting me I did then feel like maybe I needed to apologise and would have if people on here agreed with him that I was wrong in accusing him of gaslighting me. Sometimes it helps so much to get an outside perspective of a situation.

OP posts:
cherish123 · 29/03/2024 22:41

He sounds annoying and I'd be annoyed but this is not gaslighting!

Gcsunnyside23 · 29/03/2024 22:38

I would give him the silent treatment right back. I take it you usually give in first and speak and try to make things better? He sounds like an asshole

Original poster
nameshame24 · 29/03/2024 22:36

Sad thanks all for your replies. It's helped validate that my gut was right and he is the one BU. I won't say sorry tomorrow and allow him to sulk.

OP posts:
PrincessTeaSet · 29/03/2024 22:14

He sounds abusive and controlling. He's engineered this situation by winding you up and now he's punishing you by giving you the silent treatment. What message is this sending your daughter? It must be a very unpleasant atmosphere to grow up in.

Original poster
nameshame24 · 29/03/2024 22:11

grinandslothit · 29/03/2024 22:04

I hope he gets to sleep outside in the garden and the dog house.

The annoying thing is he will now be putting me in 'the dog house' and will give me the silent treatment for at least a day or two from the reaction I got for saying he had gaslit me!
How ironic.

OP posts:
grinandslothit · 29/03/2024 22:04

I hope he gets to sleep outside in the garden and the dog house.

Original poster
nameshame24 · 29/03/2024 22:02

Stichintime · 29/03/2024 21:05

Very petty. Everyone who knows me knows if you tickle me I will at worst kill you, at best I will spontaneously kick out and fight. Sounds like you may be similar, which your husband knows, so obviously he's being a total dick.

I knew I wouldn't be the only one who would kick in that scenario! He said that I shouldn't have kicked but I was like I honestly can't help it, it's like a reflex! You tickle and I kick!

OP posts:
Stichintime · 29/03/2024 21:05

Very petty. Everyone who knows me knows if you tickle me I will at worst kill you, at best I will spontaneously kick out and fight. Sounds like you may be similar, which your husband knows, so obviously he's being a total dick.

Original poster
nameshame24 · 29/03/2024 21:01

Biscuitsandpizza · 29/03/2024 20:50

He sounds like a dick OP. I don't think you're BU at all; you asked him to stop, he didn't and made a choice to carry on. Entirely his fault IMO.

I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you. I know I'm going to get the silent treatment now which is going to make things awkward for the BH weekend but I'm really sick of him twisting things and then playing the innocent, hard done by one. It's draining.

OP posts:
Biscuitsandpizza · 29/03/2024 20:50

He sounds like a dick OP. I don't think you're BU at all; you asked him to stop, he didn't and made a choice to carry on. Entirely his fault IMO.

I hope you feel better soon.