MIL scheduled access

OP could just go and take a nap for a couple of hours, read a magazine, go for a walk, prep some dinner, take a long shower. She can do whatever while MIL takes some of the load for a couple of hours a week. If it was her own mother offering weekly help everyone would be praising the support being offered.

Just tell her you are not leaving your baby alone just yet and you will both visit her when you talk to your husband and he will get back to you. Maybe have her visit when your husband there and see how she is with your baby and take it from there but suit yourselves but you may be glad of the help in the future.

She wasn't that arsed about you /dh before so don't be bullied into changing that now you have a dc... She wants a new thing to cuddle she can get a dcat... It isn't up or you to provide her entertainment...

A newborn that age doesn't need to bond with a grandparent who just stresses his mum out.

A weekly bonding visit would have been way too much of an imposition for me at that age - and we saw in laws weekly for the first two months.

I only started to relax into parenting the following month when we dodged almost all visits!

I had a great bond with my gran from monthly visits.

Couldn’t I again only seeing my GC 2 monthly…..I see DS2s DD every week…..and DDs girls 3 to 4 times a week …..2 monthly sounds a bit harsh

@redxlondon nah, two monthly before bubba was born so two monthly after bubba born. not more often just because she wants it. she can go and raffle if that is not acceptable to her! she only gets out what she put it and that was not much!

Am not a grandmother but I feel you are being unfair. The grandparents only being in contact every few months obviously suited your husband pre child and if you are being honest you too! I imagine that MIL may have got used to lack of contact over the years (in other words respect sons wishes not to be crowded by her) now baby is here and GP are excited and want to have a close relationship. Be kind as you will be a grandmother one day too and may have a DIL that dislikes you for no apparent reason. You say that her and son are not close - don’t forget that she was once as close to him as you are to your baby. You don’t have to offer her what she is asking for but you should open your heart to her and allow her to have a close and special relationship with your child. It is childish and mean to say that her seeing your child upsets you because other people can’t have as much access.you are also putting your own irrational emotions above your child’s right to close relationships with extended family. Don’t forget that child comes first.

It's the controlling element of every week. She has decided this will be good for dgc and op. She's put a pressure on op to do it.

Op it's your dh issue, say to him mil wants to spend time with dgc can you arrange to take dc maybe every few weeks for a visit ?

. You have a DS Imagine down the line when your DS has a child and his wife doesn’t want you around the baby. Your DS will accept her behaviour as normal, after all that is what his Mother did. It is one of the most hateful thing to experience

No. I grew up without a close relationship with my grandparents and envy the relationship my DM has with her DGC. I would have resented my mum for standing in the way of a relationship just because she didn’t get on with my Grandma.

Let your husband sort it? When she visit can be used as an opportune time for a shower or whatever else you fancy.

you say she isn’t horrible just a bit thoughtless I don’t think it’s fair to not let her have a relationship with her grandchildren just because your not each others cup of tea.

families are full of different personalities some will gel more than others.

Why do you think everyone is "piling " on the mil ? You know why!! Because she sounds like a control freak who wants to set rules that allows her control over the situation rather then having some respect for boundaries. No you can't see my new born ever week and usher me off when you don't have a relationship with me or your own son. It's not her child. she's JUST a grandparent. She should concentrate on getting with her own children before we worries about the new born.

"Thanks for the offer but let's just play it by ear, I've found that a regular schedule of anything really adds to the stress at the moment." And then get DH to manage visits when it will suit you to have a little time alone, or when you feel you can stomach a visit where DH is doing most of the interacting/facilitating.

For those who are saying that the MIL relationship with the GC is a completely different thing from that with her DIL - no. A person who hurts others whether deliberately or through carelessness, will likely hurt the child too, eventually.

The OP is right to be very wary. Just the fact that the MIL is making the OP feel pressure to acquiesce is a massive red flag.

It takes a village. You said she isn't mean or terrible, just a bit thoughtless. Perhaps a comprpromise would be to visit her every two weeks for an hour or meet at a coffee shop and let her have hugs

I’d say she can visit once every 2 weeks while you and DH are there. And that you won’t be ready to leave your son for a while. Try and get DH to facilitate the visit/ do all the scheduling communications so you don’t have to be involved.

Let me guess..you are a Mil yourself?

You absolutely don’t need to commit to weekly visits but I wouldn’t think it strange for timing to increase from 2monthly visits with a new DC involved. it’s also hard to comment fully without knowing the history of little comments.

Id just say you arent looking to be apart from DS for now while he’s so tiny so will continue visits as a family (every few weeks?) but will let her know if/when that changes. They may develop a lovely bond and that could be really helpful for the odd night out or weekend away in the future. It’s hard to imagine when they’re newborn though I definitely found.

My ils never had my mobile number.. Made for a much less stressful life.

I could have written your post myself! I have an 11m, and my MIL has been awful since pregnancy and birth.
I ended up finding a scheduled visit for us actually far less stress than a potential random visit or using up time in the weekend to entertain MIL. My MIL used to text me, and I'd find myself anxious and not replying in case she asked to come over so having a set time worked for me. However this has since stopped because we've fallen out over something us.

I had a similar situation with my inlaws, Who made demands under the umbrella of “we are just trying to help” trying to push me out the house when I didn’t want to out so they could be alone with my baby. I got DH to deal with it as I just couldn’t after a while. Ended up with a bit of tantrum which 3 yrs on they still sometimes have when they don’t get their own way! Politely say no thanks, or make up an excuse (I think that’s what I eventually did). Good luck!

She doesn't need unsupervised visits to be a dgm. She has no rights to your dc at all. Tell her you have waited 9 months to be able to bond with your baby yourself!! And you aren't ready to hand them over yet. She is bonkers...

Let your DH manage her visits. But I wouldn't get into an expected weekly visit. It's do hard to stop if it becomes the norm.

I think going to weekly visits after such a fractured relationship is just odd.

I don't have a relationship with my biological father (just didn't grow up with him so bond is not there) I'm happy for my child to be around good and kind people which him and his wife are but seeing as that contact also involves me its...alot mentally and emotionally. I have kind of said in my head a day together every 6 weeks or so is good and of course I'd no way leave them to look after my child.

There has to be a good solid relationship between the parents and GP to facilitate a close and regular bond with grandchildren - imo

You have a newborn take the stress off, just say that's kind of you to offer but I don't need a weekly break at this time thank you, perhaps we can have a get together in X time with DH and you can have some quality time with them both

Not necessarily separate imo.

OP and her DH didn’t see his mother yet now that there is a baby, MIl has decided she wants weekly visits. Where did this free time come from when OP was pregnant or beforehand?

I understand if she and OP don’t get on, but only to see your son every two months or so and then go to seeing the baby every week?

What does your DH think OP?