MIL scheduled access

She'd be as far away from my child and my house as I can possibly imagine. There are no words. OP, do not let this woman in, she's preying on your vulnerability now - stay away, you and your baby.

Please take the “joke” custody threat seriously, OP.

Perhaps she was “just” trying to hurt your feelings (not ok on its own) but perhaps she was telegraphing her intentions for the future.

FictionalCharacter
no hadn’t read the updates, only the op!

edited to add: and a lot of the people saying no to the mil seeing her gc were before the update but yes agreed not normal

Have you read all the OP's updates? This isn't a normal but imperfect GM wanting to see her GC. She has "innocently" suggested that OP's baby will be taken away from her. She isn't asking for visits, she's demanding unsupervised access. Surely, surely you don't think all that is normal?

She sounds like a nasty piece of work and you owe her nothing. Do not bend or flex to suit her, do only what works for you and your baby, if and when it feels right for you or you will resent her, and you dp too, for feeling rushed and pressured.

Newborns need mum or dad. If you don't want MIL near you and you are happy for dad to facilitate a very short visit while you have a break fine

You don't owe your MIL access to your child.

Let me guess..you are a Mil yourself?
Someday a lot of us will be and it sounds like a pretty miserable existence hoping we'll be allowed to see our grandchildren in slots and waiting for an answer with fingers crossed our dil says we can. We regularly saw gps, one more than the other due to distance and it's only as adults you realise your parents' relationship with ils was exactly the same as most others (ie they didn't always get along with them and sometimes just tolerated them) have been throughout time but I appreciate our parents still gave us quality time with them

Following your updates, I'd say she's not being thoughtless at all. She's deliberately disrespecting you. Nobody absentmindedly sets up an enormous chat group. Nobody thoughtlessly makes remarks about having your baby removed. Keep her as far away as you can, and I'd say no to having the baby alone. And I say that as someone who helps my DS and Dil with the baby. Only when wanted. I've never suggested taking the baby out without her or suggested my Dil goes out. Unless she wants to!

Are you planning on using her for childcare when you go back to work? If so I'd say start as you mean to go on otherwise you're saying she's only good enough when it's a favour. But you absolutely don't need scheduled times unless that works for you and certainly not without you. Have your DH say along lines of hi mum, regular time doesn't work as we have lots of appointments etc and OP will be starting mum and baby classes. I'll let you know when it's convenient for you to come over, hopefully you'll also be free to come spend some time with US. Arrange for when he's home also at least for now, have him on same page about supervision. If she turns up and is like you go out it's Oh no mum baby is only X, obviously they're much too young to be away from parents.

DS had a very very small scratch on his head. Possibly either from him, or me putting his hat on. She used a baby voice and kept saying to him “will they take you away from mummy? What has she done to you”
I have anxiety that’s been incredibly hard since the birth - utterly thoughtless

Oh that isn't thoughtless. She knows exactly what she's doing in saying things like this. She's deliberately suggesting to OP that the baby could be taken away from her.

I hope all the "be kind" and "she wants to help" brigade read the updates and realise that this woman isn't just a loving GM who wants to help.

And I maintain that GPs are not entitled to "alone time" with young babies against the parents' wishes. They want it so that can play at being mum and/or "parent" the baby in ways they know the parents disapprove of. And anyone who wants to take a breastfed baby away from his mum so they can have "access" or "alone time" is selfish beyond belief.

That somewhat changes my view that she should have weekly visits despite a difficult relationship with you. What she said is disgusting and your baby will have a lots more bumps, scratches and scrapes as they grow up. Is she going to spew this bile every time? What else is she going to twists? DH to coordinate SUPERVISED visits with your child and to stop her nonsense every single time.

Baby doesn’t need that shit programmed into his DNA.

I agree. But depends on what MIL did.

My daughter stopped me seeing grandson, the grandson we practically raised, my daughter was being controlled by ex husband. I took it to court..was granted access..grandkids need to have extended family to know people care, its good for their overall well-being....if MIL is stable etc. However id say give MIL a chance whether shes been present or not. Any nonsense then stop it, but dont use the baby as ammo

Do not agree to this op. It will tie you weekly and will be the source of friction should you wish to do something else with your own child. I hope your DH supports this and does not waver. My MIL was a nightmare when we put dd into nursery for a day or so a week as she saw this time as her right. The nursery staff asked me to stop allowing her to pick dd up because she was so awful to them.

On another note, my gs1 lives with me. His deadbeat dad saw him intermittently then his parents wanted to see him Sunday afternoons. They became very stroppy if we were away for any reason. Long story short, gs1's dad became violent (again) and we cut contact. They took us to court for contact and won as they had an established relationship with the child. I am not telling you this to worry you, as it is a very certain type of person who does this but it did happen.

Wow she’s an evil loon.

Absolutely no scheduled time, or time with me.

Good! And limit how long DH takes baby to see her for. He’s a newborn, he needs his mum.

Exactly this. I’d happily leave my baby with my MIL at a few months (if they were happy to be left-DD1 was NOT!) for a while but newborn- absolutely not.

this was not good behaviour. I believe that we all make mistakes at times, say inappropriate things, inadvertently hurt people with our own opinions and actions. If this was a standalone event I would say move on for the good of all involved. You come across as a little over sensitive with your comment about her seeing child will trigger your own sadness at others not being able to. I don’t know what is going on as only hearing your side, however if it’s a case of her overall being ok but messing up now and then, then forgiveness and healing is better for all involved. As mentioned earlier, your child deserves a close relationship with her and it’s not your place to stop this. A man seeing his parents every few months pre children is not a sign of a fragile relationship with his own parents - just a sign of a typical young person who is out living their own life. I stand by what I said originally, if she is ok as mentioned, give her the benefit of doubt and open your heart and stop looking for reasons to keep her at arms length. Finally, I would not leave my child at eight weeks old one day a week for unsupervised visits, work out what suits you - also hubby can take baby to visit alone now and again to give you a rest 😁

The gran/nana should not be the priority but the mum and the baby. Why is it that these mil who are not so nice to daughter in law then expect to be handed a very small baby to have access to with no parent of the baby around. The mil needs to show a bit of respect to daughter-in-law and apologize if she wants to spend time with the baby, but I do not get this new thing how grandparents just expect to have newborn baby to themselves. Yes visit but you had your time as a parent. She also needs to be discussing this with her son and apologize.

Putting the child first? A newborn baby basically wants to breastfeed constantly.

A newborn baby does not need to be separated from his mother, at all, let alone weekly.

Stop being selfish and out your child first. It's your child's gran. You don't have to like her but be mature about it.

You don’t know what the MIL said. You only know OP’s interpretation. You are quoting OP’s words, not necessarily the MIL’s.

Tell her that doesn’t work for you. She’s welcome to visit when you and your dh are both there. Get your dh to sort this out.

Ah, another one of these GPs who wants "alone time" with OP's baby? And who isn't very nice to OP?
Nope! She doesn't need to be alone with the baby. And all the PPs saying "be kind" 🙄 How about the GM being kind to her DIL instead of talking about "access" to the baby without her? She should be trying to "bond" with the mother of her grandchildren first, and a good first step there would be to acknowledge that she was wrong to blab about her DIL's private medical details to a load of other people.

Why is MIL not offering to do the chores, that would be helpful and praiseworthy. Proposing to boot the OP out of sight and hearing of her baby is weird, unkind and strange.

MIL has had her chance at being mama.