Going to have a breakdown, so lost and cannot cope

This is lovely ♥️ and has really resonated with me this morning. Thank you.

Can I hire you to be my lifecoach? 🤣

Not if you marry an asshole.

What a strange response.

Gosh that was an essay, sorry, concision is not one of my qualities.

I met my partner at 32. I’m now 36 and we have a child. He is amazing.
my life around the time when I met him was an absolute mess. For a few years I had been single, had had a drug problem because I had serious mental health problems and used them as a (unhelpful) coping mechanism. My health wasn’t great, had serious problems at work (had spent 7 meses off sick because I was sexually harassed and they really didn’t deal well with that situation), I had been on OLD for 3 years and had so many frogs. I’d already gone NC with my mother and my father had died 2 years before. My aunt also died around that time. I’m not even from this continent so no other family around either. My ‘friends’ were not really friends. I’d had an abortion as I got pregnant from a one night stand with an asshole, because I was also using sex as a coping mechanism. The condom broke and morning after pill failed. This all happened in the space of less than 3 years.

I met my partner on OLD. On OKCupid (what a stupid name). It was way gentler than Bumble. I never tried Hinge.

things were so bad I got very close to suicide. Stopped myself at the last minute. I just didn’t see a way out, so much shit was falling on my head, some of it of my own making, some just bad luck.
slowly things got better. Got a different job, where I made 2 excellent friends. Distanced myself from the druggie friends. I had been in therapy and that gave me strength to make better choices. Then I met my partner on OLD.

I’m telling you this because I still can’t believe I got it around from how bad it was. It was a process. I can’t tell you you will meet a nice guy on OLD and be happily ever after, but it’s not impossible. You’re on the right track, first of all you respect yourself enough to finish a dead end relationship where you’re not getting what you want and need. Self respect is huge and the foundation for a good life. So many people don’t have that and keep making the same mistakes and letting others use them.

You are able to build a life you’ll be happy with. it won’t happen overnight but with every positive choice you make, you’ll get closer to it.

sit, think and plan the life you want to have when you’re, say, 40. Where you want to live, the job you want to have, the kind of man and relationship you want. Be inspired by your dreams. Make a detailed plan of how to get there. Make a Gantt chart if it helps. and start working on achieving what you want, small steps eventually get you results, remember this. You may not get the whole plan, but you will be focusing on the future and improving your life.

Also, find a good therapist. If you can’t afford one, look for the Talking Therapies service in your area. Don’t know if you’re in England, but if you are, this service will be available- it may be called something else in the other nations. There will be a waiting period but it’s not always very long.

Take shit from no one.

Best of luck.

https://www.experian.co.uk/consumer/guides/defaults.html

I'd check your credit rating. The information in the link says that once you have paid the default it should be marked as 'satisfied' which gives lenders reassurance.

Also, in your shoes I’d consider a sabbatical from work and do some travelling if you have supportive parents. It might be just the tonic, a journey of self-discovery, plus you never know who you might meet. No ties, just healing time.

I know there are a few debt management charities, they might be able to help. It didn’t go to court then, just passed on to a company.
This might not be as bad as you think. Have you checked your credit rating?

As I understand it, defaults stay on record for 6 years. I would take independent financial advice which is free and consultants will give you time as it’s about establishing a long-term relationship. They will know which lenders might be able to help over other ones.

I think you need to break things down and focus on how you can make different parts of your life better. The whole thing is overwhelming you. I know you won't think like this, but you are very young. I too was single at your age having just ended a 4 year relationship. I was depressed for a while - we'd just bought a house which ended up in negative equity and I had to borrow money from my dad to buy my own flat but by 35 I had met someone and was married. 11 years later we have 2 DC and my life has all sorts of other worries but 'good' ones I guess.

To add - she went to Kalgoorlie. (''near '' Perth).

Not read many PP but look if you really want to find someone to marry have you considered radical change? eg -immigrate to Australia to an mining area where there are a lot of men - I knew a nurse who went there from UK and got married within a year. She was in 30s.

Finding love isn’t a goal!! You can do things that increase your chances of finding someone you feel you can be with but it’s luck, not effort. A far better goal is doing what matters to you in life, living to your values and focusing on wellbeing so if love comes along you are open to it. This pressure to achieve this sickly and unrealistic description of raising a family is what leads people to get together with and stay with the wrong people. Your life may be this sweet but reality isn’t.

This is what I was going to say; a hobby where there are men! Climbing walls, cycling, running clubs. This is what I’d do in your position. But I think the poster who said flip your view is helpful. A man won’t make you happy alone. And once you have kids, don’t be fooled by this fake online world…life is hard for everyone! So developing coping mechs will be useful to you now. Counselling, exercise, positive affirmation. Look in mirror each day and say, I’m beautiful, I’m a good person and today I’m going to make a difference! Even a smile at a stranger. Emit the energy you’d like to find in a partner. You never know what might happen…

And I thought I was tactless.

Not for everyone. You can only speak for yourself. I do not want a husband, even a good one.

Well firstly this is a discussion board, and I am engaging in a discussion with previous posters.

Secondly, maybe it does help to have something to aim for, to have hope, to have a goal? to have some advice?

I don't think there is enough positive comments about marriage anymore, it is more often described as chains or as a waste of time, or as doomed to fail. Look at the previous posts! So I think a few voices saying, no actually a good marriage can be an absolutely amazing thing is a valid viewpoint.

But the OP is struggling to find a good partner, so how do such comments help?

Such a bizarre comment

The fact that the previous poster has liked my above comment probably means she was being serious.

I do feel sorry for women who have had, or are in bad marriages. A good marriage is where you both work together as a team and both honour the fact you are creating something profoundly sacred together - a healthy family. If you are in one of these with a truly wonderful man then it gives you strength and joy every day.

Analogy would be like playing for a sports team where you love the sport, love the team and play really well together, and succeed.

Maybe not. If you have a good husband and a beautiful family it is the most incredible thing in the world.

I had a plan that I would have a child on my own if I didn't meet someone. That took the pressure off

Are you on drugs? Pissed?

This. Find inner peace first.

What do you like doing?