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Original poster

To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

239 replies

Celia24 · 28/03/2024 09:55

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months but meetings haven't been as frequent as I'd like because he was finishing a PhD. Sometimes we'd skip a weekend because he'd need to keep his head down.

Another weekend he was sick so we rescheduled. We've seen each other more lately although last weekend the night before we were due to meet he said he had a migraine. He didn't cancel although I half expected him to.

We then planned to meet at Easter because neither of us could meet last weekend (both on trips with friends/family).

When I broached the subject of our plans this weekend, he said he was ill and didn't want to pass it to me but would see how he feels and let me know. Yet before I mentioned our plans he was sending daily photos of nights out and walks he was on every day, with no mention of illness. I feel paranoid which isn't me at all!

I have the whole weekend off and feel sad that I'll 1) I might not see him and 2) be alone the whole time because I turned down other plans.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 28/03/2024 10:43

@Spanglemum75 yes I know what you're saying. But it's the fact he said he wanted to meet this weekend originally.

For the most part plans should be reliable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 28/03/2024 10:40

@Hagpie I do think it's the case and he likes to come across as perfect. I almost get the impression he feels he has to be in a perfect state of mind and 100% well in order to meet each time.

But when you're partners shit happens and you need to see each other in all the ways that are you, good and bad

I hope I see him but if not will definitely be having a hard think about things this weekend. Getting back into yoga always seems to help me too.

OP posts:
Spanglemum75 · 28/03/2024 10:38

If he's writing up a PhD that will be his main focus, but he also needs some downtime. I'd make other plans for Easter. What's the expression 'Don't make someone a priority when you're just an option for them'.

Hagpie · 28/03/2024 10:35

Celia24 · 28/03/2024 10:11

When we are together, everything is perfect. And I do feel it's genuine - like he's very happy to be together in those moments.

I suspect a level of anxiety or depression that he hasn't shared with me. I know he's on the spectrum if it makes a difference.

Tbh reading through the lines of what you said I did assume a bit of anxiety and/or depression.

With the most love and sisterly affection ….whether he chooses not to or can’t meet your needs doesn’t change the behaviour and it’s not going to change any time soon. You need to ask yourself if you could tolerate feeling this way, if you can support him through it and you must answer yourself truthfully.

Blobblobblob · 28/03/2024 10:31

If you carry on and build a life for yourselves together, he will always be this way. People don't change.

If you're OK with this, fine. If you're not, also fine.

Concannon88 · 28/03/2024 10:28

Celia24 · 28/03/2024 09:55

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months but meetings haven't been as frequent as I'd like because he was finishing a PhD. Sometimes we'd skip a weekend because he'd need to keep his head down.

Another weekend he was sick so we rescheduled. We've seen each other more lately although last weekend the night before we were due to meet he said he had a migraine. He didn't cancel although I half expected him to.

We then planned to meet at Easter because neither of us could meet last weekend (both on trips with friends/family).

When I broached the subject of our plans this weekend, he said he was ill and didn't want to pass it to me but would see how he feels and let me know. Yet before I mentioned our plans he was sending daily photos of nights out and walks he was on every day, with no mention of illness. I feel paranoid which isn't me at all!

I have the whole weekend off and feel sad that I'll 1) I might not see him and 2) be alone the whole time because I turned down other plans.

Unfortunately I strongly believe in situations like this that your gut is always right. He seems a bit of a flake.

Original poster
Celia24 · 28/03/2024 10:28

@gannett originally we had plans for the day out in the town.

When he said he was feeling unwell and that his social battery was low, I suggested staying in/watching a movie/making a meal at home.

He has said he'll come back to me but doesn't want to make me ill too.

I agree it doesn't happen in a healthy relationship so I won't be arguing with him.

OP posts:
AhBiscuits · 28/03/2024 10:26

Set your bar higher OP. Don't settle for whatever scraps of attention he's prepared to throw your way. Sack him off and find someone who values you and will go out of their way to see you.

gannett · 28/03/2024 10:24

Celia24 · 28/03/2024 10:12

I know @gannett and there's something going around at work now.

It's very hard to argue with someone who says they're ill even when it isn't meeting your needs.

If it isn't meeting your needs you get to end things, you don't need an objective reason. I'm just saying that I wouldn't necessarily disbelieve him about being ill, and arguing over whether someone's really ill is not something that happens in a healthy relationship.

Late cancellation definitely sucks though, especially when you've turned down other plans! I think if you had a backup for this weekend you'd feel a bit better about it all.

I don't know what your actual plans were with him but you could see if something low-key would work. In the first few months when DP and I were dating, I cancelled a weekend because I was ill - instead of our planned activities he came over to my house and made me a vat of soup while I sniffled in the corner and felt sorry for myself. Then he want away again so I could be alone with my nasty cold!

Original poster
Celia24 · 28/03/2024 10:24

@KreedKafer no it isn't the case that I'm lonely when by myself for a weekend all the time.

I'm also fairly introverted and happily spend time by myself - we're both writers so we both need that. But it will have been 2 weeks since we last met this weekend and then a further 3 after that.

I question what woman would be happy with this set up even if it does mean incompatibility.

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 28/03/2024 10:21

If you are making a thread about a boyfriend of FOUR MONTHS, then it isn't really working as a relationship. Stop agonising over whether he's really ill, or tired, or lazy, or depressed, or on the spectrum 🙄, or whether he likes you enough. This is the best he can give you so you need to ask yourself whether you want this "best" for the next year or not. Personally I would let him go and find someone who is more excited to see you.

KreedKafer · 28/03/2024 10:20

Reading your posts, it would appear that your boyfriend is someone who needs a lot of time to himself, whereas you are someone who feels lonely if you're by yourself for a weekend. You said it yourself - his idea of decompressing after a hard week is be by himself, whereas what you need after a hard week is 'a cuddle from your boyfriend'.

You are simply completely incompatible. You will always feel neglected by him and he will always feel suffocated by you. You've only been seeing each other four months, and if this issue is already arising at such an early stage, it's not going to get any better. You need to end the relationship.

Original poster
Celia24 · 28/03/2024 10:19

@FiveShelties no I honestly don't think so.

He's been excitedly messaging me photos and anecdotes from his trip all week. Not the vibe I'm getting anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 28/03/2024 10:17

@something2say this is a really great post, thank you! I will mull it over.

I mean we chat or call every day when apart so I don't feel out of sight or mind. But I do sometimes feel plans can't be relied upon. Of course I want to be a priority.

He suggested travelling with him to his home country this summer to meet his parents when we last met.

OP posts:
Haydenn · 28/03/2024 10:17

He sounds like a drain. Find someone else.

FiveShelties · 28/03/2024 10:16

Is he trying to let you down gently?

Laiste · 28/03/2024 10:16

4 months in should be utter bliss with everything hunky dory.

If you're not happy with him now you never will be.

(i don't blame you by the way he sounds hard work)

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 28/03/2024 10:15

surely then your best bet is to start being less available for him, and see how he reacts to this.

if he fusses about it, then perhaps this instance was genuine. if he doesn't, then that probably tells you this isn't going to go the distance.

Original poster
Celia24 · 28/03/2024 10:12

I know @gannett and there's something going around at work now.

It's very hard to argue with someone who says they're ill even when it isn't meeting your needs.

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 28/03/2024 10:12

He's just not that into you.

gannett · 28/03/2024 10:11

Daily trips, nights out and a family holiday would increase the likelihood of catching something. I don't get ill very often but when I do it's often after lot of nights out in a row and lots of socialising.

Original poster
Celia24 · 28/03/2024 10:11

When we are together, everything is perfect. And I do feel it's genuine - like he's very happy to be together in those moments.

I suspect a level of anxiety or depression that he hasn't shared with me. I know he's on the spectrum if it makes a difference.

OP posts:
BreakfastAtMimis · 28/03/2024 10:10

If I'm not mistaken OP, you've posted about him before? You would be far better off without him.

Ragruggers · 28/03/2024 10:10

Can you make plans with friends for the weekend and enjoy your time with them ? or enjoy a chill weekend by yourself.If he calls you so well and good just see what happens. 4 months in is nothing time will tell.Sorry if you are expecting more from him.

FictionalCharacter · 28/03/2024 10:09

he said he was ill and
before I mentioned our plans he was sending daily photos of nights out and walks he was on every day
So he's making excuses not to see you. As PPs have said, you're not his priority at all. Meanwhile you're very keen to see him. This isn't going anywhere and he'll just make you unhappy.