To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

Hi OP, you mentioned that your partner is ND and is finishing a PhD. I just wanted to add my experience: I have ADHD and finished a PhD a few years ago. It was awful, the last year of my PhD was by far the worst year of my life and left me in a deep depression from which it took me years to recover. It was really a horrible time, I can’t stress that enough.
I don’t know what your boyfriend is going through but wanted to share my experience with you as it might be relevant. All the best.

Oh dear.

Exactly what I was about type! Move on, stop wasting your time on someone who's not that bothered about you !

Let's lay out the facts .

1 he has been happily texting you about all the fun fun fun things he's been doing all week. No mention of illness.

2 he never asks or suggests anything regarding the upcoming weekend you had previously discussed spending together, after 2 weeks of not seeing each other.

3 when you ask about getting together over Easter, he is suddenly "ill" and burnt out

4 As far as I can tell from your posts, he has not expressed any regret for this, nor remorse for letting you down/disappointing you.

The fact that he's ND is not an excuse for being shit or not being interested or able to meet your needs. ND people should not expect everyone else to compromise for them without accepting that there are things they are going to have to compromise over as well.

I am very sorry to say that he is not that interested in you. I suspect he genuinely likes you, enjoys spending time with you, but is certainly not interested in prioritising you or in any way inconveniencing himself. Please do NOT get sucked into feeling sorry for him because of his ND. He "disclosed" it? What does that even mean? Did he tell you what he struggles with, how he tries to mitigate that, what it means and how you might experience it? Or is it just a handy catch all excuse for treating you shoddily?

He probably seems very appealing at the moment because you are 4months in and having to chase him a bit. Fast forward a year or so to when the novelty has worn off. You will be long past the stage of analysing his personality type and motivations. You will just find his behaviour boring, draining and quite irritating.

I think he just sounds like he's the sort of person that needs timeout and time to decompress because that's how his brain works.
That doesn't help you though and it sounds like he's quite the opposite of you with that. I'm sure you'd take the chance of getting his sniffles if it meant spending the weekend with him!
If this is how he is then you need to decide if this would be compatible with a decent relationship with him.

You are not a priority for him.

4 months in should be amazing.

He's just not that into you.

As I was reading your posts @Celia24 I ticked off the red flags. I've noted enough to make a good length of bunting...

I suggest you print off this thread and go through it with highlighters, before deciding on how to proceed. I'm hoping you'll see sense and dump him.

He doesn't value you and he's not good for you.

So far you've posted with your worries about:

• Whether he mentions his ex-wife too much
• Whether it was OK for him to cancel a date because of the weather
• Being upset because he'd announced he was moving to a city three hours away and hadn't told you
• Being upset/worried that he'd told you in December that he couldn't see you until mid-January
• Worrying about the rescheduling of your first date
• The fact that he wasn't texting you as much after your first date as he had before

None of this points to the relationship being healthy or good for you.

Being on the spectrum totally makes a difference. I have watch my DS who has ASD traverse relationships. He doesn't understand exactly how he is meant to act as the rules of engagement (sorry can't think of a better phrase!) are new.
If you like him and want to continue, I would have an honest conversation about your expectations and clearly point out that if he doesn't meet them the relationship will not work.
This is an issue that will come up again and again in your relationship should you continue. Lots of people who are autistic make absolutely amazing partners but quite likely the relationship will be different from one with NT people.

Two lessons I learnt later than I should have done; 1. Pay less attention to what people SAY and more attention to what they DO. Talk is cheap and pinning your feelings to what may be false promises is pointless. 2. If someone really likes you, you'll know. If you feel unsure, then they're likely not that into you and it's not worth sticking around for.

I reckon as he has ASD he is knackered from having a full on week and that can make you more susceptible to illness. Have you ever written up a PhD? I haven’t but my ex did and it’s a massive commitment that I lived through. I wrote his bibliography for him, how nice was I ! DH has a PhD he is head of a University dept in a science subject, very responsible, horrid accidents could occur in his labs. He is very probably ND, lovely man, loyal, eccentric, helpful, little rituals, has been a wonderful DH and Father but he needs time alone or to sit in silence. I also need this so it works perfectly.

I feel quite like @rumbanana on this and also @FortofPud has a very good point.

Make your own plans

You are not partners. You have only been “together” four months. When you are together he fits the cut out hole you label “boyfriend “ but when you are not he doesn’t—he is more of a text buddy. Neither of these are “the real” him: they both are: nice, nervous, depressed, avoidant, sensitive, sick, etc… are all him. He would be the dame if you lived together. It sounds tedious, to me, always having to put your needs snd plans aside for his sniffles or low battery. But you do you.

Have you posted about him before? I’m afraid he just isn’t that into you.

My DH is managing to finish off his PhD, work full time, pull his weight with parenting, see his family but he always make sure we have one quality ‘date night’ time together every week. He is by no means perfect but he wants to spend time with me.

I think maybe you feel like I was criticising you or saying you're unreasonable to want to see your boyfriend, but I'm really not, and I'm sorry if that's how it came across. My point is simply that you obviously both want/need different things. You're not unreasonable to want to see more of your boyfriend at all, but if he doesn't want that, then I think it would be a shame for you to waste your time with someone who will almost certainly continue to disappoint you or flake out at the last minute because he's feeling a tiny bit under the weather.

I question what woman would be happy with this set up even if it does mean incompatibility

I mean, there will be some women who are exactly like your boyfriend is. I'm not saying there are many of them out there, certainly! It doesn't really matter, though, does it, because this is your relationship and what other women might be happy with shouldn't really come into it.

I'm absolutely not saying you're wrong for wanting to see more of your boyfriend. You feel how you feel, and it's reasonable to feel like that. But I don't think you are going to change him, and one of you is always going to be dissatisfied with the way things are. As I said - you've only been dating this man for a very short time. If the relationship was going to work, this would be the honeymoon phase. This doesn't seem to be the only thread you've posted about issues with your boyfriend and the things he does that bother you, either, so it doesn't honestly sound like things are working for you.

He's obviously very, very set in his ways, and clearly doesn't find it easy to compromise or put your needs before his. It doesn't sound like he's hugely self-aware, really. You mention that he's on the autism spectrum so perhaps that's something he can't help - I'm not saying he's a bad man at all. But I think you deserve someone who can be more present in your life, as that's clearly what you want. You aren't asking for a lot from him (as you said, a cuddle from your boyfriend at the end of a hard week isn't exactly an outlandish wish!) but what you are asking for he apparently isn't willing/able to provide

no it isn't the case that I'm lonely when by myself for a weekend

OK - you said in one of your earlier posts that the reason you were annoyed about your boyfriend letting you down isn't just that you won't see him, but also that you've turned down other people which now means you're going to be alone, so I took that to mean that you didn't like to be alone, but I do completely understand that this weekend feels different, for the reasons you set out. I'm a massive introvert myself and I like being alone a lot of the time, but I know that when I have actually psyched myself up for something sociable and have saved my reserves to look forward to seeing friends at the weekend, it can feel shit when plans change.

He's not your boyfriend.

He's someone that you have seen a handful of times.

He is causing you immense angst and overthinking.

Please just stop.

Ok. I think to many people seeing someone/gf + bf relationship is different to a partnership

Well said @whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher , spot on.

Have some self respect and end the relationship. It is no crime to be single.

I would message him and tell him you're not going to wait around all weekend for him to 'let you know' and that if he doesn't want to keep to your plans for the weekend, you'll be out and about doing other things. He needs to realise you are not there for him to pick up and put down when he feels like it. Relationships are a 2 way street and he needs to be more considerate of your feelings.

At the very least, he is selfish and precious. I am not sure that either quality is one I would look for in a boyfriend. Move on.

You don't need a reason to stop seeing someone.
You dont even need to give them a reason why your no longer seeing them.

Agree with others, 4 months in and he is not your priority. Bin him off already, dont waste any more time.

I 'd give you this advice.

In a relationship your needs should be your priority.

That should be at the forefront of your mind. It doesn't matter the reason why something isn't working, just that it isn't working and therefore you don't have to justify your reasons.

That said, when someone discloses that they are ND, they are telling you because it's important. It's a fundamental part of who they are, and although every single person who is ND is unique, there are some underlying elements too, which I suppose could be a degree of difference from the "so-called norm".

Even before you mentioned his ASD I could have guessed this person was ND.
Many people here are saying run for the hills, he doesn't treat you well etc. And if you feel that your needs aren't being met, then you should do that.

However, if you do wish to continue remember that as you wouldn't expect someone with a painful physical disability to be in a relationship where physical prowess and agility were a fundamental part of your relationship, idem someone who is ND is more likely to not be a good fit for someone whose set idea of a relationship is based on rigid expectations.