To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

He's not that into you

@Celia24 i think the spectrum thing is a red herring if he's still out all the time. I had an ex who was on the spectrum and was just like this. Turns out he was overwhelmed with his study and his diagnosis and wanted to stay home alone all the time. This one just doesnt seem that into you when not around so you can do better.

@Celia24 , this is exactly what I was going to write.
@Therealjudgejudy is spot on here.

Break it off. You don't need to give a reason.

If his previous behaviour had indicated he was genuinely interested in the OPs needs then yes absolutely have that conversation but this isn't the situation here.

It is nothing to do with power games but recognising and responding to the reality in front of you - the reality is that OP is nowhere near a priority for this bloke. I fear that this suggested approach will just perpetuate the OP accepting shit behaviour in a shit relationship.

Call him out on it then you will have your answer. I can’t stand people being flaky. Make alternative plans. Unless he has some kind of anxiety or is dating someone else as well?? That happened to me when a guy was being flaky I think he was weighing up his options. I ended it so he stuck with the other option it seems.

Here's my take on it - this week he was happy enough to invest his (social battery) energy in other people i.e. the nights out, trips, walks you mentioned. He's done so much this week that he now doesn't enough energy in reserve to see you this weekend.

Ergo, making sure he could see you this weekend was not high on his priorities.

Ergo, this relationship is not meeting your needs.

I used to get ill a lot, turned out to be quite serious in the end. I was sure everyone thought I was putting it on. .So unless lots of other red flags, I’d hope I’d be more trusting and give him the benefit of the doubt for now - but I’d also tell him that it was my risk to take if I caught his sniffles (or whatever) and that if we were living together naturally you’d catch stuff of each other so not to worry so much!

It sounds like he really enjoys being penpals or text buddies, but not the actual in person part of socialising. Very common in people I know who are on the spectrum.

I doubt he's ever going to transform into a real life boyfriend so you'd be doing yourself a favour by moving on and not stressing over ever cancelled plan/fake illness he comes up with to avoid in person meetings.

I had a brief 'relationship' with a man who sounds just like this.
Mental health issues that I tried to 'help' him with {being understanding }

He was charming when we were together, but then became distant...turned out he was keeping options open {it was a long distance - 4 hrs drive each way- 'relationship'}

He was playing away - he admitted it- but still wanted to carry on with me.. No way.

🗑️🚮 ''Into the bin with him''.

Well, relating puts the "relate" in the relationship. Why NOT talk about it? Your advice lends to the sort of gaming and power ploys that play out in relationships that simply aren't necessary. Some people in relationships are better at communicating and part of the relationship is being there for each other as we discover things about ourselves through the way we behave with our partners. I believe in growing together. He may not be receptive, in which case I say throw in the towel, I don't put work into someone who is not willing to think about their behavior, but being the one who brings it up is certainly not a negative thing to do.

This is how some men operate. Say bye, see ya

No - why is it OPs responsibility to initiate that conversation and make concessions? The bloke hasn't even acknowledged there is a problem! If she starts now we know exactly what their relationship is going to look like in a few years.

Its doesn't sound good-He's probably seeing others, keeping his options open.
Bin him off as others have said.

Trust your innermost gut feelings.

As an introvert, spectrum, adhd'r. My stress physically manifests itself. If I've had a hard or demanding week I will inadvertantly reach a point where headaches, stomach ache, joint pain and exhuastion come to roost. I AM ill, AND I'm overwhelmed and anxious. This is part of me that I can't change and I am glad to have friends who do their best to understand this aspect of my self. Perhaps having a conversation with him about what may be underlying his illnesses is worth having. Our minds and bodies are linked and learning to accept that and respect that is helpful in coping withit.

OP you are turning yourself inside out trying to find some reason, any reason to justify his behaviour and continue this relationship.

You are absolutely right that your needs are important but I can't see you doing anything which suggests you will actually prioritise them.

Its a shame your boyfriend won't put half as much effort into meeting your needs as you do in trying to excuse his behaviour.

Whether he is ND or not is irrelevant - he is not making you a priority and he never will. It your choice if you accept this but don't fool yourself that his behaviour will change.

Why does he get everything to be on his terms? Why should it always be you accommodating his needs?

I agree with others saying he’s just not that bothered. When you’re really keen on someone, the last thing you would do is cancel a plan without nailing down another plan. He’s happy to mess you around and waste your time. He may well be ND but this doesn’t have to become your problem.

Tell him it’s not working for you and make so other plans for the weekend.

I think you should make other plans for this weekend and not hang around waiting. Been there, done that, just felt crap in the end. If he does come good I think you should have an honest conversation about how you feel. If he is defensive or brushes you off then you'll know where you stand. If he is serious he'll make an effort to step up. In the meantime try to focus elsewhere

It isn’t shaming at all. It’s adding fairly important context.

If you want to continue dating a man who causes you this much worry and uncertainty in the space of just four months, that is completely up to you. It makes no difference to anyone else here. But you ask people for their views and then no response seems to be acceptable to you, except reassurance that everything will be fine. If you post about endless problems with your boyfriend, of course people are going to suggest that he isn’t right for you. But as soon as people give you the advice that you could do a lot better than someone who makes you constantly worried and insecure, you get defensive and offended, despite the fact that people are trying to help.

I will address this with him regardless of how things turn out.

^

Don't waste your breath.

You need to read that book, how to be a bitch.

Just block him and find a proper fella

Oh dear. His behaviour in this post alone is a big red flag (and no, being ND is NOT a good reason for him behaving this way), but if there have been endless additional issues, then you really need to accept he's just not that into you. I'm sorry.

The first few months should be fun and easy. They shouldn't require you to discuss or resolve issues.

I guess this is his quirk...if you want to continue this relationship then you'll have to live with it.

But only you can judge that. People don't really tend to change.

Academia is a pretty weird tense industry right now unfortunately so you'll be getting the emotional spillover....lots of ND people expected to work in a way which is the opposite to the way they're wired up.

Lots of pressure but not much reward, lots of job uncertainty.

Not all sitting around on lawns having intellectual discussions unfortunately!

Quite a lot of relationships seem to be based on the non-academic ending up helping the academic with their work (data collection or typing).

After the PhD it may be another publication, or funding applications...it probably won't stop.

Really is down to you if you can accept and live with the trade-off, positives and negatives.