To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

X-post @neilyoungismyhero

OP - even if you are right about all of his "problems" - is this the sort of life you want for yourself and any children you may have?

If so - go right ahead, lie down at his feet and let him wipe his boots on you.

'When they show you who they are, believe them'. It's good advice. Neither of you are wrong and I expect in reality he's a decent bloke but this is going to be your life going forward. It's up to you to decide whether the nice bits outweigh the crap. For me they wouldn't and you do deserve better.

She really wants it to work. All the stuff about his introversion and his PhD and his ASD are signs she thinks he is special and elusive. The harder he makes her work, the more unavailable he is, the more she wants to bag him. She keeps “explaining “ to us that his ASD/illness/hard work excise everything he does (or doesn’t do) and she expects us all to recognize that these special features mean we can’t judge him (or their special relationship!) by our tired old rules.

OP, you are tying yourself in knots to explain his behaviour and determined to focus on what he says (future plans etc) rather than how he behaves.

It is of course up to you but I really don't think he is terribly interested. He will hang around for a while as you clearly like him regardless of how little time and effort he spends on you, but ultimately he will drift off, leaving you kicking yourself for having wasted weeks/months desperately trying to understand him, his motives, his feelings etc when all there really is to say is that he probably likes you a little but not an awful lot and he is most certainly not spending any amount of time analysing your thoughts and feelings about him.

You seem to be ignoring all the advice on this thread. Why subject yourself to this type of relationship? It will only cause problems later on. Better to nip it in the bud now. Stop wasting your energy into someone who clearly does not see you as a priority.

A relationship four months old should be completely different. This is the honeymoon phase where you can't wait to see each other and spend time together. My advice is to end things pronto!

This.

Dump him - you aren't a priority to him and you should be.

If you have to tell him (or yourself) anything it could be that he’s just too sickly for you. You have to be cruel to be kind (to yourself).

I know a lot of people are saying drop him, but as you say, you’ve only been together 4 months, and he’s an introvert. A new relationship can be tiring as you’re still getting to know each other and trying to show the best of yourselves, and if he’s under a lot of pressure finishing his phd he might just need a little me time to decompress and reenergise by himself and doesn’t feel he can say that to you yet.

Maybe see if you can get together one afternoon of the bank holiday, and otherwise make plans with your friends. Don’t stress, I don’t think you’ve reason to write him off just yet.

If he is coming to the end of his PhD is he planning to stick around or go back to his home country as I assume his student visa will run out. Is it worth all this angst over someone who might not even be in the country soon. If you think he is flaky now, imagine what he would be like in a long distance relationship - you will plan to go and see him, book flights etc, and you'll get a message the day before with him cancelling because he is feeling tired or whatever.

My ex bought a house, planned a wedding. and held down a full time job while he was completing a his PhD. The real answer is if he really wanted to see you he would - even if it’s a coffee of a spag Bol. in front of a repeat of Morse on a Saturday night. They are there because they want to be. He doesn’t want to be. Not enough anyway. Did you meet him online? If so, I bet he hasn’t come off the dating site and he’s still meeting up with people. You’re the fallback girl.

@Pillownights @Celia24
I googled 'Softboi' and here he is in all his glory!

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/sep/05/softboi-what-is-it-instagram-q-and-a

@Pillownights If I could give an award for being absolutely spot on I would.

🏆

There are TONS of men like this.
Never heard the term 'softboi' before, but know what one is from your description.

Sensitive, intelligent, and good looking in a 'Safe' way, makes out that they are after a serious relationship, but they have a weather eye out for likely~ looking women...as you say, 30's and child free, and 'sensitive' he is going to be popular.

I bet he is playing the field.

'Sick' is his way of keeping his options open until the last minute. So he tells you days in advance or the night before that he might be sick. While you patiently wait to be told if he can fit you in.

Does it really matter why he does it? Waiting to hear if another woman is free/social anxiety/enjoying having you on tenterhooks/ waiting to see if he actually feels like meeting? At best he pays no heed to how it inconveniences you, at worst he's getting a kick out of that. Bin him.

I'd give him the slight benefit of the doubt that everyone seems to be ill right now with horrible colds- maybe because we've had a long wet winter.
I think you're picking up on something though that maybe he's not giving you enough and it's so early in the relationship to be feeling like that.

Sorry OP but you're not going to hear what you want on this thread. We're only getting the information from you and it's not positive. Why are you so determined to deflect and defend what you yourself must know deep down?

He isn't making an effort for you, you are rushing about filling in any 'gaps' because you are committed to the idea that you and he have a relationship. Where is he doing that for you? He isn't.

You can convince yourself all you like but it doesn't mean that you can convince other people. This man isn't prioritising you, you feel it and know it but still you cling on. I'm sorry for you because it will be sad for you when the truth of it eventually dawns on you.

Is there any movement towards integrating you into his life? Have you visited him on campus or met his friends there, are you able to just meet him or drop in for a coffee at the last minute?

Has he invited you on any of these nights out or walks he's done?

Four months in I agree you should be comfortable hanging out at home and cooking if one of you is ill.

It does sound a bit like he's compartmentalising you into a fallback girl role.

The line about only being interested in serious...that's kept you engaged.

But could it be that he doesn't want the stress of the casual sex scene and wants the nice girlfriend experience without being emotionally committed?

If he's got a professional job role and is childfree and in his 30's he knows he can play the field and have a lot of options.

There are a lot of intellectual softboi types who are very selfish and want to keep their options open and an eye out for the next hot woman (even if they come across like geeky nice guys)

get rid.

Why would you want to date someone who isn't obsessed with you?

So you have seen him for 4 nights in the past 28 days? I would not pursue it. This is as good as can be and will only get worse as your relationships gets more familiar.

You are determined to read more into this man’s mild expression of interest and “contentment “ than is really there—or than you want at any rate.

He isn’t the boyfriend for you. He looks like it, maybe, and sometimes talks like it, and is apparently available since he is divorced. But what you and he mean by this is not clear.

Let me tell you I, too, did a PhD and dated my now husband through it. We both made time for each other and maintained a bi coastal relationship (Berkeley to Atlanta) for the last two years of it. If someone is going to be your boyfriend they need to show up—be capable of showing up. My dh doubled up his work and flew out to be with me a week a month in order to be with me. Everyone has limitations: financial, social, physical, time-wise. If you are in a serious relationship you make sacrifices to bring the relationship about.

If he has limited spoons as a disabled person it is all the more incumbent on him to figure out how to parcel them out so he can make and keep plans with you. He doesn’t do that.

What @whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher said.
Being ND is no reason for him to be too ill to see you but well enough to go on nights out and walks with other people. These are his priorities - friends and families first, then you. Early in a relationship it's usually the other way round.

Why are you believing his words and not his actions?

There's been lots of comments about how he might be ill, overwhelmed with socialising etc. and how he's normally nice to spend time with etc.

But what would concern me is this.. "He said... he would see how he feels and let me know".
I'm not sure how far in advance he's cancelled but it seems like maybe nearly a week? Must be quite an illness? Also if its a cold or something, dangers of you catching it more at the beginning than towards the end isn't it?

Its one thing to cancel and to free you to re organise your weekend and other plans.

Its an entirely different thing to say well maybe I will, maybe I won't, but wait around, keep the time free just in case. So that you are hanging on until the last moment in the hope that he will relent or you are left at home thinking, wonder if he'll feel better Saturday, then Sunday, then Monday.. having spent a disappointing and lonely weekend waiting around for His Highness to make his mind up.

That is literally keeping you at his beck and call and That is purely selfish IMHO.

Has he expressed a single slither of remorse or regret? Because @paparazzied I bet that's the difference between you and this bloke.

I had to cancel on a friend a few weeks ago. I just didn't have it in me I was stressed, overwhelmed, anxious. But I didn't just cancel. I sent her a message explaining why I was cancelling, apologising profusely and asking if she would mind if we rescheduled for a few weeks time.

He's just gone with the super casual,, I don't care approach of "I'm not sure. I might be sick. I'll get back to you." Screams FOMO.