To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

This reminds me of a documentary about Chris Packham.

iic it was about his ASD. It was really interesting.

There was one scene where he was with his long term partner and he’d dismissed something or decided to just cancel their plans for some minor reason.

she just looked so worn out by it all. She loved him, he loved her. But the relationship was clearly hard work for her. It was the weary disappointment on her face I remember - not what was actually said.

I remember watching it and thinking that it reminded me of my relationship with my ExH.
in hindsight, he was ND and it was a massive factor in our break up. Obviously that doesn’t mean an ND person can’t have a successful relationship, but I think it makes navigating problems More difficult.

But I’d hold off making execution orders on the relationship until you discover what makes him tick a bit more.

Exactly. It’s the kindest plan to you both OP. For whatever reason - because he’s genuinely in bed ill, or because he gets social fatigue and doesn’t want to be disappointing company and knows how to protect his mental health, or because he’s a manipulative tosser who is stringing you along- he doesn’t want to see you and the best response in any of those scenarios is to make your own fun this time.

Regardless of the explanation for this weekend imagine a life with this man. You have a screaming toddler and a new baby and are exhausted from lack of sleep. He decides he needs quiet time and checks out for the weekend for his mental health. Is this really a man who you can rely on to share the ups and downs of family life? It is all going to be about his needs, not yours.

If he’s ill, then there is nothing to stop you making other plans. You can then tell him not to worry and take the time to recover as you have now made plans. If he’s genuinely ill, he will be relieved and if he isn’t, it might make him think about his priorities.

Tbf changing the nation’s religion is easier when you are a Tudor king; and the destruction of Troy is quite an ask for an exhausted PhD student who potentially does have a cold/flu.

I think one of the great things about autistic individuals is they tend NOT to play manipulative games. And that sounds more like the issue to me: far from game-playing, he’s not trying to butter you up by seeing you even when he can’t be bothered.

Agree with this

Maybe he is worn out from socialising and you don't quite get that? Ease off a bit, you don't have to see each other every weekend! Let him come to you

I guarantee this 'relationship' is a complete waste of time, and he doesn't feel how you do, OP.

Henry VIII changed the faith of an entire country for the woman he wanted. Paris brought about the destruction of Troy for the same reason.

This what men do when they want a woman. When they want you, you never doubt their intentions (because they are obvious), and they don't throw sickies.

And of course he's nice when he's with you. You wouldn't tolerate his flakiness otherwise, would you?

Four months in, should be the loved up honeymoon period, but it isn’t is it?You’ve given it a go, but I think you know deep down it isn’t going anywhere.

time to cut your losses and call it a day, you are the girlfriend he keeps next to his umbrella for when he thinks it might rain.

Fuck sake. Join Bumble, you’ll find another date for the weekend. You’re flogging a very dead horse here.

Sex and the city series, ages ago

I’m not sure the bit about understanding the requirements of a thesis so he must be able to fathom his feelings is necessarily a useful way of approaching an individual with autism. I know a couple of high functioning autistic adults ( very high functioning) who are extremely good at understanding such requirements or, indeed, absorbing any complex material. They also understand social interactions but just find them tiring- even though they do enjoy them. It’s as if they operate naturally in their conceptual gear as comfort zone and have to make an effort to operate in the social zone. It just isn’t their cruising altitude. My cleaning lady is at cruising altitude in her social gear: she chatters on and on ( and on) constantly. “What did you think about this? I’ll tell you, did I mention …” I guarantee she doesn’t have such stamina reading her insurance policy etc. We all just have different comfort zones of cruising altitude and whichever isn’t your natural one requires effort. But while that doesn’t necessarily mean he “ isn’t that into you” OP, it does impact on what the relationship may look like if he isn’t being put under constant discomfort to operate out of comfort zone, which you need to think about. But I’m not sure it’s fair to tie it to his level of interest or affection.

Are you very young? Because quite honestly, this sounds like the relationship most women have when they're young. The man who genuinely enjoys their company, finds them attractive, wants to spend time with them etc... but is never ever going to actually commit to a relationship for some completely spurious reason that he most likely will never admit to (you're not "cool" enough, you're not popular enough, you're not rich enough, you're not smart enough, your accent is weird ... it could be anything and of course, it's always nothing).

You are, at best, a big ego boost for them.

You should have some self respect. If someone told me we'd plan Easter together I'd be angry if they just said, "oh, Im' not sure, let's see" at this point and would probably dump them from my life.

Isn't that a line from ''Women who love too much '' or some other book on relationships?

I remember that live from somewhere ''He's just not that into you''- it's as if they like a nice 'safe' woman to speak to and use as a sounding board, but they are just after their freedom to see others..and the ''Monogamous'' line is worn smooth with use by these types.

They are absolute head~fuckers with blowing hot and cold.

Another line the one I knew was ''I can't stand people who play games''...yet he was the biggest game player of all.

It probably does make a difference in the sense that his downtime needs ( ie away from everyone) might be greater than yours. You said it doesn’t “ justify” not seeing you at all this weekend but patently it does for him. In any case, what’s the point of forcing someone to see you? You’ve no realistic option but to park it for Easter and try ( right away) to reinvigorate the other plans. Make further decisions on the relationship at another point , but gif this weekend there’s nothing to be gained by forcing the issue. It may be you just aren’t suited if you differ in the time you seek to be together, as four months in many people would be in that can’t bear to be apart phase - which he clearly isn’t.

He is just not that 'into you'. Epic phrase which helped me enormously.

This isn’t a relationship. You have no idea what he’s up to when he’s pretending to be ill. Not a chance I’d be hanging around all weekend for a crumb. I agree with sacking him off and getting out there.

Find your self respect and dump him

He asked me to meet his parents this summer which I haven't given him a reply to yet.

Sorry OP, this just doesn't ring true. You're the one bending yourself into a pretzel trying to fit in with his flakiness, not wanting to see you, or not managing it somehow, which is totally incongruous with a request to meet his parents and you failing to give an answer.

You come across as trying very hard to fit in, make his life easier and are/were happy to wait around for him. What's changed?

You've only mentioned autism now but, if he can understand the requirements to complete a PhD, he can surely fathom his feelings for someone he actually cares for?

If you like to make excuses for him then carry on. You felt strongly enough to post this thread yet you valiantly defend any and all posts that validate you. Sad.

I think it warrants a real, honest, bottom-line chat with him in the next week about what you both want from this. Four months into my relationship with my now-DH (together 10 years now) we literally couldn’t wait to see each other and just had loads of fun when we were together. We initially lived 2 hours away from each other and I even remember him schlepping through to see me when he was ill, bless him.

Another on target analysis..🎯
This is exactly where he wants OP to be.

The 'Fall back' girl, the one whom he emails or phones {or both} every day, while not being fully committed.
Th scaring one whop bends over backwards to be helpful and kind and understanding to such a sweet, sensitive soul as 'Softboi' - they used to be called ''Dickheads'' in my era..

As here:

At the very least it's bad timing, for him to embark on a relationship when in the final throes of a PhD.

If you met by accident and had an instant mutual attraction, it's unfortunate but just one of those things. This is a hugely stressful time for him, and migraines and colds do come with that territory. So if you felt a deep connection, you could maybe, cautiously, cut him a bit of slack. Still rather a red flag that he hasn't raised or discussed it with you though.

If you met online, ie he was actively seeking a partner, then he's either very selfish and using you, or lacks basic emotional intelligence. None of which points to a happy future together.

My own feeling is... walks like a duck, talks like a duck... is pretty much your basic duck.

Agree with everything@Pillownights says. By this stage he should be introducing you to his friends, wanting to care for you, looking for things you can do together to make up for not being available. Beware of 'intellectual softboi types'!!

Why would you want to accept this now? It's a few months in - can you only imagine how shit your life will be as it will only get worse?! If he can't give you what you need now he never will.

Dump and move on.