To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

I don’t think that is a good idea. He has made it clear he wants space. Going round to his house uninvited would probably annoy him.

He really shouldn't be trying to meet women and date if its that intense. If he's working on the PhD, and can't see her, fine. However its been multiple excuses since they've started seeing each other. At Christmas there was a period of 4 weeks with no date, again fine if they are both fine with it, but she isn't.

Smell the coffee.
When you really want to see someone, you'll find a way to be with them.
Even if you're sick. You just want to be close and look after the other person. Seriously you'd rather be cooped up with the sick person than do anything else.
That is honestly the rawest truth you'll ever hear.
Everything else is excuses.
Whoever it is, who is avoiding you, is just not that into you.
Not into you enough to last a lifetime.
When you meet your life partner - you'll just want to spend time together.
Above everything else.
Go girl! Ditch the loser. Find someone better.

I can tell you that my ex-partner did this to me at the start of our relationship. I got all paranoid and was stalking him on Facebook and everything, which is so unlike me. Two years on of similar treatment I realised he is a complete narcissist and was testing to see if I would just hang around waiting for him. He would often cancel plans at the last minute. He even stood me up on Christmas day. Now I'm not saying your boyfriend is a narcissist, but I will say don't just put your life on hold waiting around for him to confirm plans. Make your other plans. Also, trust your instincts. If your gut says it's not right, listen to it. If he's showing you by his actions that you are not a priority in his life, take heed.

Do you know his address?

If no, major red flag.

If yes, pop round unannounced with Lemsip etc. If you knock the door to be greeted by a) an empty house or b) a women and children bin him. Make sure the neighbours know who you are.

As someone who is doing a PhD and who has had a similar experience while studying (at school) with a boyfriend, my thoughts are he is likely very stressed and simply needs the space to think. However, it's also possible he's not as in to you as you are in to him. When I was studying for exams, my boyfriend at the time constantly wanted to meet with me and we would usually just chill out but I was desperate to pass so I would turm him down. I did actually want to see him but had to prioritise exams. He got weird and started stalking me at my home, waiting in the dark outside my window. I guess he a)wanted to check I wasn't lying - which I obviously wasn't and b) wanted to see me. I had to tell my dad to go out and shoo him away, safe to say it didn't last after that. My point is, if your boyfriend is under stress, which he will be given the demands of the phd the last thing he will want is pressure to meet when he already has enough pressure from his studies.

It’s encouraging that when you suggested Monday he countered with Sunday. It suggests he didn’t want to wait!

Eh, no...... he did it because he could. To show her that he is charge, knowing that she'd jump to attention and comply with each and every one of his demands and preferences.

He says JUMP and she asks 'how high?'..... It's very sad to see a grown woman pretzeling herself in this way.

I’m glad you’re meeting up now. It’s encouraging that when you suggested Mo day he countered with Sunday. It suggests he didn’t want to wait!

He literally told you his social battery was low after spending a week on holiday with his family.

He is totally into you. He also needs to recharge after being around people.

I also get peopled out - it makes me tired, I get headaches, back ache and need to chill like a zombie. I totally get where he is coming from. My advice for Sunday is to let him take the day at his pace. Don’t put too much pressure on doing stuff, going places or having intense conversations. Just keep it easy. Have fun x

And you haven’t seen him more than once in five weeks ……But it will have been 2 weeks since we last met this weekend and then a further 3 after that….
So effectively in four months you’ve barely met up at all?

He's finishing a PhD which is very intense.
He's been away with his family all weekend - also very intense.
I actually think I'd want a weekend to myself in that case.

It's very possible you're just a fallback for him but you're not seeing it as you have such a selection of excuses ready for him such as he's doing a PhD, is sickly, has ASD etc.

He’s ’just not that into you.’ Not meant to be offensive. I’ve been in that position myself. Throw this one back. 🌺

I think he keeps you as a spare option. If no other activities present themselves and he feels bored he will spend time with you. Of course then he is Mister Perfect because he doesn't want you to break up with him. There might be other week-ends in the near future he might feel alone. Good heavens girl, what are you thinking???

You don’t have to say ‘I think you’re faking it’ why would you say that?? Simply say it isn’t working for you 🤷‍♀️

He is not that into you. He is quite effectively building a situation in which you do nothing but make excuses for his poor behaviour and forgive every mistake because “it’s perfect” when you’re together. Nothing is “perfect” especially when this is how you feel on a regular basis when you’re not together, which is actually quite a lot in your brief interaction so far.

This bigger problem is your willingness to prioritise the possibility of seeing him over other plans. After this amount of time you should still really be at the i-can’t-wait-to-see-you phase. If you were both slacking off other plans to be in a romantic bubble that’s one thing - but he is clearly able to have other social engagements in the time you’re apart. So, ND or not, he is still just not that into you and not treating you very well. Being manipulative and a user and being ND are not mutually exclusive but one can be a very handy excuse for the other…

You need to look out for yourself more. If someone invited you out this weekend, the thing to say to him was “are we going to meet on x day? if not let me know as I’ll go and meet my friend”. Then do it. If he says you will meet and then flakes knowing you could have made other plans, it’s an even bigger 🚩 he doesn’t respect you or your time.

FGS don’t start facilitating this obviously crap treatment after a few weeks. He is NOT the one. Probably a lesson you’ll have to learn by yourself, but it would save you time and heartache to take your focus off him and put it on yourself. Raise your expectations. Ensure you have a robust social life and network which he can fit into but which provides you with support and fun whatever your relationship status.

PS If you know someone and you are saying “but” a lot about things they do in the early weeks of a relationship it’s just a huge 🚩 “but he is ill”, “but he is tired”, “but he is working”, “but he is ND”, “but he is so nice when we are together”, “but he messages every day”. Do you see where I’m going with this?!
It’s a totally different relationship from “and he messages every day”, “and it’s amazing when we are together”, “and he makes me feel so safe and loved”, “and he always takes the time to include me”…

He is not into you - move on !

Have a great Easter and enjoy Monday!

Arf! You are right I think. He was fundamentally cold.

OP you need to put yourself first. I was hanging on in the hope that he would improve but I think he spent so much time trying to mask and appear NT that it exhausted him. He had unpleasant traits too though, some of them borderline psychopathic. He would bail on me all the time but try and stop me seeing my family and friends too. When he gave me the ultimatum but my Mum was dying, there was a switch that flicked inside me and I was finally free. He realised he had overstepped but inside me, it was as if he had never existed.

I hadn't realised how I had downgraded my own needs until I left him.

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter WHY he’s behaving as he is (ASD might explain the behaviour but doesn’t make it ok). If your needs aren’t being met you need to let go. Do you want children? Can you seriously imagine this man being a great father, considering how overwhelmed he seems to get with normal life that he needs 3 days alone to recover? The first year of a relationship is usually the best it’s going to get…is this honestly the best you think you deserve?

Was it David Starkey?! 😂

I think there is much to think about in this post OP. Fwiw, on balance ( and we can only surmise because we haven’t met him), my instinct would be that it’s just who he is that is driving his behaviour, as opposed to a lack of interest per se.

However, that doesn’t remove the necessity for you to evaluate carefully how that behaviour would ( realistically) affect you. This poster sounds to have had a brush with someone who was fascinating but very cold. I know similar individuals only very loyal and loving, albeit they can withdraw at times. Nonetheless, and notwithstanding the strength of their relationships, their spouses have still needed to find ways to grapple with the quirks and you need to decide if it’s for you. One spouse is a really resourceful and interesting type in her own right and, without being too outing, has pursued a number of projects of her own that she can retreat to when he goes “ down his tunnel.” They are actually a very inspiring couple on many fronts. It isn’t for everyone though.

I think making your own Easter plans is ideal: if he turns out to be a non starter or completely disinterested ( and he may) you haven’t thrown too much at it; but even if there is a relationship to be had, the sooner the better that you start finding the ways that make his quirks work for you. It’s your life too.

@DrDavidStarKey thank you for sharing this.

I had a four year relationship and how I felt sounds a lot like your posts OP. Looking back, I now know that he is ND but at the time I had no clue.

He had such an interesting mind and he was so intelligent, I was smitten but my needs were not met even by half. It probably wasn't his fault but he was so self centred, I barely featured.

I spent four years trying to make it work and we split up many times. We should have stayed split up because gradually resentment crept in and the whole relationship was just various resentments. A PP put it perfectly earlier. I wanted more, he felt overwhelmed.

We would separate, he would reset and think he could cope and quickly it became evident he couldn't when we got back together.

I was young and stupid and became obsessed with making a silk purse out of a sows ear and it took my Mum getting ill and dying to make me see him for what he was. He was actually cold hearted and when I stayed home to care for my Mum, he gave me an ultimatum. To go to see him or stay away forever. I chose the latter and he didn't even send me a card when Mum died.

All of this was thirty odd years ago and we are old now. He is still alone.

Yeah - he’s great. I’m a big fan. Just glad I’m not married to him! 😂

Why are you not taking on board any of the advice from women who have been there that it really is as simple as he's just not that in to you?! It's actually uncomfortable to read how in denial you seem to be.

How many times have you actually met up in person? Gone on an actual date? Met his friends/family?

This isn't going to end well for you I'm afraid. Don't let yourself get any more hurt.