To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

Celia24 · 2024-03-28T09:55:15+00:00

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months but meetings haven't been as frequent as I'd like because he was finishing a PhD. Sometimes we'd skip a weekend because he'd need to keep his head down. Another weekend he was sick so we rescheduled. We've seen each other more lately although last weekend the night before we were due to meet he said he had a migraine. He didn't cancel although I half expected him to. We then planned to meet at Easter because neither of us could meet last weekend (both on trips with friends/family). When I broached the subject of our plans this weekend, he said he was ill and didn't want to pass it to me but would see how he feels and let me know. Yet before I mentioned our plans he was sending daily photos of nights out and walks he was on every day, with no mention of illness. I feel paranoid which isn't me at all! I have the whole weekend off and feel sad that I'll 1) I might not see him and 2) be alone the whole time because I turned down other plans.

Calliopespa · 06/04/2024 19:05

Celia24 · 06/04/2024 16:50

I didn't mention it before @Calliopespa but I'm a writer and the one writing the books so far!

I'll be working on that tomorrow while he's working on the PhD and then we're off out in the evening. It's easy to jump to LTB but in this case it required some communication. Definitely happy to stick with it and see how things develop 🙂

Well that’s it: horses for courses and courses for horses ( not calling anyone a horse!) .

Some people’s boring nerd is another person’s interesting soul mate.

Original poster

Celia24 · 06/04/2024 16:50

I didn't mention it before @Calliopespa but I'm a writer and the one writing the books so far!

I'll be working on that tomorrow while he's working on the PhD and then we're off out in the evening. It's easy to jump to LTB but in this case it required some communication. Definitely happy to stick with it and see how things develop 🙂

OP posts:

Calliopespa · 06/04/2024 16:41

So glad to hear you had a lovely time OP. I’m glad you gave him a chance. He may very well be the type to always have a project on the go. Not everyone stops at 6 on a Friday eve and spends the weekend watching the football / tv or down at the pub, and something tells me he’s the project oriented type. When the phd is five it will probably be a book! But it’s just a case of deciding what works for you.

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 06/04/2024 12:59

Thank you for the update. I was a bit overly invested and I was hoping you hadnt been let down again over Easter. I wish you happiness going forward. x

Ramalangadingdong · 05/04/2024 13:20

Aw, that’s lovely to hear. Wishing you both all the best moving forward.

Concannon88 · 05/04/2024 12:16

@Celia24 well done, glad you got what you were looking for 😊

Original poster

Celia24 · 05/04/2024 11:42

Hey @minniefresh and @PaminaMozart a positive update I think.

We had a great day on Sunday and then he stayed over and went home Monday. And guess what? He said 'i was thinking it would be nice to see each other more often if you're up for it?'

This weekend he says he needs to keep working on his PhD but for the first time ever has suggested doing this at my home and then we can go out in the evening. I definitely feel happier and more secure that he's invested in spending time with me now.

OP posts:

PaminaMozart · 05/04/2024 01:09

You don't owe us an update, @Celia24 - but curious minds would like to know how it went...

minniefresh · 04/04/2024 21:59

So did you meet him at the weekend OP or did he make yet another excuse?

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 01/04/2024 20:05

Did you see him today and get things sorted out OP?

shearwater2 · 31/03/2024 07:10

I'd dump him for being a sick note.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 31/03/2024 07:03

I don’t think this is the relationship you think it is, OP.

You say you’re ‘young’. How old? And how old is this formerly married solitary PhD student?

Concannon88 · 30/03/2024 22:59

pollymere · 30/03/2024 20:33

😂 My DH got an extension to his because their Supervisor wanted them to do some extra research. So our DC was born to a PhD student... Luckily he'd nearly finished by then but he went from being exhausted with no time to exhausted with no spare time.

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Not in any way similar to op.

pollymere · 30/03/2024 20:33

Concannon88 · 29/03/2024 21:58

He really shouldn't be trying to meet women and date if its that intense. If he's working on the PhD, and can't see her, fine. However its been multiple excuses since they've started seeing each other. At Christmas there was a period of 4 weeks with no date, again fine if they are both fine with it, but she isn't.

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😂 My DH got an extension to his because their Supervisor wanted them to do some extra research. So our DC was born to a PhD student... Luckily he'd nearly finished by then but he went from being exhausted with no time to exhausted with no spare time.

Original poster

Celia24 · 30/03/2024 18:23

Yes @Calliopespa everything you say seems accurate! He's been suffering with headaches quite a bit and I think it's sort of his body suddenly being able to rest (or nearly able) after a constant period of hard work

Anyway we have a really nice time planned now - thoughtfully planned by him and taking my ideas into account. I'm really looking forward to our time together

In a way maybe I'll get an insight into how things will really be once this time passes and the PhD is properly put of the way.

OP posts:

Calliopespa · 30/03/2024 16:24

PaminaMozart · 29/03/2024 19:46

It’s encouraging that when you suggested Monday he countered with Sunday. It suggests he didn’t want to wait!

Eh, no...... he did it because he could. To show her that he is charge, knowing that she'd jump to attention and comply with each and every one of his demands and preferences.

He says JUMP and she asks 'how high?'..... It's very sad to see a grown woman pretzeling herself in this way.

I really think these sorts of posts are just thinking at a different level from where this guy is at.

I think he is juggling the coming together of a lot of academic material, general stress and exhaustion as well as potentially a need for social battery recharge due to his asd diagnosis - which all fits with what he has articulated to OP.

The final months of a PhD are a time when many people withdraw anyway. If he’s in fact juggling another relationship while trying to keep OP dancing on the hot plate for when he’s ready for a second course, or game- playing with power trip psychology he’s the first final year student I’ve ever met who could be bothered with all of that nonsense while bringing the thesis together.

Calliopespa · 30/03/2024 16:08

Risingsun93 · 29/03/2024 20:19

As someone who is doing a PhD and who has had a similar experience while studying (at school) with a boyfriend, my thoughts are he is likely very stressed and simply needs the space to think. However, it's also possible he's not as in to you as you are in to him. When I was studying for exams, my boyfriend at the time constantly wanted to meet with me and we would usually just chill out but I was desperate to pass so I would turm him down. I did actually want to see him but had to prioritise exams. He got weird and started stalking me at my home, waiting in the dark outside my window. I guess he a)wanted to check I wasn't lying - which I obviously wasn't and b) wanted to see me. I had to tell my dad to go out and shoo him away, safe to say it didn't last after that. My point is, if your boyfriend is under stress, which he will be given the demands of the phd the last thing he will want is pressure to meet when he already has enough pressure from his studies.

Edited

My eyes misread that at first. I read “ I had to tell my dad to go out and shoot him” 🤣

Calliopespa · 30/03/2024 15:41

Risingsun93 · 30/03/2024 08:43

So people doing phds can't have partners?

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I’m not sure that’s the case so much as people in relationships with phd candidates - particularly as they near the end- need to understand it is a different routine from an office job, and weekends are not necessarily less affected than weekdays. Makes up for the much more flexible lifestyle at the beginning/ early months of the process! Very often people in relationships with phd candidates are heavily involved in the academic world themselves where this sort of pattern is well known.

Concannon88 · 30/03/2024 12:44

Risingsun93 · 30/03/2024 08:43

So people doing phds can't have partners?

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People who don't have any spare time no

Blades2 · 30/03/2024 12:35

Go with your gut.

Risingsun93 · 30/03/2024 08:43

Concannon88 · 29/03/2024 21:58

He really shouldn't be trying to meet women and date if its that intense. If he's working on the PhD, and can't see her, fine. However its been multiple excuses since they've started seeing each other. At Christmas there was a period of 4 weeks with no date, again fine if they are both fine with it, but she isn't.

Show quote history

So people doing phds can't have partners?

FootieMama · 30/03/2024 07:50

Sorry but from what you said he is just trying to get out from seeing you. Maybe someone else gave him a maybe and you are his back up.

pollymere · 29/03/2024 23:33

Actually my DH used to get sick every bloomin' holiday weekend when he was doing his PhD. He'd relax and get every bug going. He also used to get sick on weekend breaks and in cottage holidays.

I know he was actually sick because I'd be looking after him! PhDs are horribly exhausting and wipe people out. If he's not genuinely sick, he's probably just completely exhausted and in no state to socialize.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 29/03/2024 22:53

Schleep · 29/03/2024 19:13

He's finishing a PhD which is very intense.
He's been away with his family all weekend - also very intense.
I actually think I'd want a weekend to myself in that case.

Me too.

Been here before in the relationship I'm still in 8 years later. This "you should be his priority" stuff is nonsense. Everyone should be their own priority for the sake of safeguarding their own mental state. There were times in the first few months of my relationship where I needed a weekend alone and told my partner as much. They understood. It's not about playing games or "not being into you", it's about the fact that I had to think of my own wellbeing, and that meant some downtime and peace and quiet.

I've never understood relationships where both parties are constantly in each other's hair, but that's because I'm not that sort of person and I don't need perpetual company and attention in order to be comfortable in a relationship. Different people function in different ways, so naturally their relationship needs will be different.

"would be nice" and "absolutely essential" are worlds apart. Sure, it's always nice to see my partner, but if it's absolutely essential to me to have some quiet alone time, then that's the priority. It doesn't mean I don't care, and it's not about playing games.

Calliopespa · 29/03/2024 22:35

Risingsun93 · 29/03/2024 20:19

As someone who is doing a PhD and who has had a similar experience while studying (at school) with a boyfriend, my thoughts are he is likely very stressed and simply needs the space to think. However, it's also possible he's not as in to you as you are in to him. When I was studying for exams, my boyfriend at the time constantly wanted to meet with me and we would usually just chill out but I was desperate to pass so I would turm him down. I did actually want to see him but had to prioritise exams. He got weird and started stalking me at my home, waiting in the dark outside my window. I guess he a)wanted to check I wasn't lying - which I obviously wasn't and b) wanted to see me. I had to tell my dad to go out and shoo him away, safe to say it didn't last after that. My point is, if your boyfriend is under stress, which he will be given the demands of the phd the last thing he will want is pressure to meet when he already has enough pressure from his studies.

Edited

Yes I think some posters are being a bit reductionist about his behaviour . If he’s doing a phd it’s far more likely he’s stressed and exhausted than two-timing. Not everyone lives the same life. A phd leaves little time when you aren’t mentally involved in it at some level. It’s very different from a 9 to 5 job.