DH just seems completely oblivious to everything

I could have written this. My dh is a wonderfully kind funny and generous man and I love him dearly but oh my, he notices absolutely nothing. I can’t tell you the list of household disasters we have had over the years as a result of his utter and total obliviousness.

He does the same things over and over again, no matter how many times I tell him. As an example when he unlocks the front door, he STILL leaves the keys in the lock outside and comes inside. His brother is the same and SIL has post it notes all over the house reminding him of basic things.

Our daughter was born with a global developmental delay and I said to him a few years back that not a day goes by when I don’t think about whether I did something during pregnancy to cause it. He looked at me completely blankly and said “Really? I just assumed it was the genes from my side of the family”.

I am a super organised person and I do completely explode at times but overall I’ve learned to live with it. I just have to accept that I can’t trust him to remember to do things.

I’m sorry but why are you doing all that stuff for him. Do for you and the kid and the dog, tell him to do things you want done, let him make his own meals, laundry etc.

Even having to "divvy up" household tasks, and ask for "help" and give directions is just so fucking tiresome that if you're at that stage it's a slow decent into oblivion for the relationship. It's the very definition of death by a thousand cuts, and unless he has an epiphany in the night and wakes up with a new found realisation of what a wife actually is, you will get to the point where you will have lost every last shred of respect for him as a partner, and the resentment has overtaken any love and trust.

He will contine to say yes dear, I understand, and doing short performative bursts of being "helpful" and then backslide. It's a wheel of madness, stay on it at your peril.

Get rid of him before you get rid of the dog. The dog respects you more.

I also think you need to have a long hard think about how you want your DC to grow up. Do you want them to think that the woman should be doing all the chores and taking on all the mental load while the man loafs around? Do you want them to continue this same dynamic in their lives as adults? If you can't make the changes for yourself, make them for your DC.

I would hazard a guess that OP's OH would either not notice (thread title says he's oblivious) or if he did, not care.
So the strategy would just create an unlivable environment.

The first response gets it.

Perhaps due to your bad back you might want to book a chiropractor or even doing something like getting a massage and you must stay overnight afterwards to get the benefit of it.

You need to sit him down before you go though and tell him that you're leaving the house in the state you want to return to it. No mess. No laundry piling up. No dishes in the sink or waiting in the dishwasher. It gets left clean, you get to return to it clean. Very simple.

Or just go on strike.

This is all so infuriating. Are you secretly married to my OH.

To all those saying just stop doing his laundry etc..... if I didn't constantly nag my husband about the pile of clothes on the floor, or just sonetimes do it myself, I would have to sleep in a smelly messy bedroom. And before you start off with send him to the spare room comments, my children are already sharing, we haven't an inch of spare space.

I feel your pain OP, my DP is similar in some regards. There are many times I'm cooking dinner with baby whining at my feet while he's sat on his phone...sadly seems pretty common!

I just ask him to do stuff now, so I'll shout through to him to put the highchair up and get baby in it, sort the table out. He'll do it if asked but rarely thinks to do it himself unless he's alone.

Very frustrating.

if this feels bad after 11 months think how you will feel 11 years in…
make things change
if they don’t then you need to consider your options

Stop treating him like you ARE his mother.

Time for an adult to adult conference.

Depressingly true

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Wow. Poor dog.

This!!

Exactly my thoughts!

Just why?

Honestly, I've read so many of these threads by now I'm at the point where my advice would be:

Sit him down, and say

'I am doing the lions share of the housework and childcare and I am having to pick up after you or remind you to do things like you are a child. I shouldn't have to tell you what to do - you are supposed to be a partner, not someone I have to direct, like I'm your manager. It's not acceptable for our child to grow up watching mummy do all the housework and daddy sitting around not contributing.
I shouldn't have to point out that me being on my feet doing house/baby stuff isn't fair. You step up for a bit then slide back into your old habits and that's not okay. You wouldn't behave like this at work, or you'd lose your job because you'd be letting other people down. You are letting ME down.
You behaving like a child in this way, by letting me run around doing everything, is making you less attractive to me, because I am not attracted to children. If this continues, one day I will never want to have sex with you ever again and our relationship will be dead, because you will have made me feel like your mum and not your partner for too long and there will be no clawing it back. To be crystal clear: if you keep doing this, I will stop being attracted to you and our relationship will end and our daughters life will be affected. I'm being very direct with you, because we've had conversations before and things slide back to the way we were, and im comcerned that you maybe dont fully understand that you treating me this way is hurtful, regardless of your intention behind it or any reason or excuse - you are treating me, your partner, like a maid or your mum, and that impacts how i feel about you, not just short term but long term. I love you and I want you to fully understand how serious this is and how you are pushing me away, so that you can commit to changes. Do you understand?'

Honestly, behave like a child, get spoken to like one. We all know men who are shocked when their marriage ends when there have been problems for years. Make it CRYSTAL CLEAR (you shouldn't bloody have to, mind) and then stick to that narrative.

Oh and stop making his lunch or doing his laundry. Don't buy things like his toiletries - really step back and assess what you are considering 'household' tasks, pick out what only benefits him, and stop.

That's really shitty of him. No advice on that but one thing I found really helpful after my c section was a grabber stick so I didn't have to bend down to pick stuff up off the floor. You can get online for relatively cheap and it makes life so much easier with a bad back.

There are so many women out there, who are running around doing everything for their sons. Who in turn 'grow up' to become so called adult men like OP's dh.

Stop doing stuff for him; I don’t wash clothes that aren’t in the wash bin and DH does his own work stuff so it’s his problem if he’s not sorted it to have enough clothes. Also why are you making his lunch?
I think they do see it but just don’t really care and they know someone else will do it if they don’t. Give him specific jobs so he has no excuses ie he tidies toys away

My first thought too

What everyone else said. The problem isn’t him leaving his washing on the floor which makes washing hard for you: the problem is you doing his washing. Divvy the tasks up, he does all the stuff that hurts backs, you do the other stuff. Stop acting like it’s all your job and he just helps.

You don't have to live this way. There's no rule that says you are the skivvy in this relationship.

Strike strike strike strike strike. Stop making dinner for a week and eat toast or cereal. Stop making lunch for him. Stop doing his washing. Stop tidying up after him. He’ll soon realise all you do for him and that he was taking you for granted and you should see him pulling his weight.

Just wash what is in the laundry basket. My teenager manages to put things in the washing basket and he is busy. He has school, extra tuition (needed unfortunately). He has a part time job, hobbies and does volunteer work. So your husband can't use the "busy" excuse

Why do you feel you should wash his pants and make his packed lunch?