DH just seems completely oblivious to everything

Holy crap. Stop doing his stuff for him for a start. He needs to start doing his own laundry and making his own lunches.

My husband can be a bit oblivious so I don't ask him to do things, I tell him. I say I'm doing X and you need to do y. With timelines if needed.

What you've got there is a man child. Which I know, cos I've got one too that I'm working on.

Has he ever lived alone, or just not with a mummy or a mummy/wife? Because that's what you are to him.

Honestly I'd just stop. Stop picking up his laundry and washing it, stop making his lunches, stop facilitating his ridiculous dinners by making them yourself and leaving him with the washing up.

I always find it interesting that when it comes to sex, men are always claiming to be such visual creatures - but when it comes to stuff they don't want to do, like laundry or washing up, they suddenly just can't see it! Wild isn't it?

Im sorry you have to do everything.
When my kids were little I accepted that life was chaotic domestically.
.My then partner was a corporate workaholic and I determined that I wasnt going to make nagging a way of life. All the clutter and Toys were safe toys. I just focussed on Clean body s Home Cooked Food and lots of days out. I did not want to be a slave to the House . Everyone is different and my Twin is different whom follows you around with a dustpan.

No, he's not wonderfully kind and generous and whatever.
He's taking you for a mug, with a smile on his face.

Right.
My husband is not a great dad, since we are child free.
He's not someone I would describe as "lovely".
But he's a decent man.
That's why he would never remain "oblivious"
to this stuff if my back was "killing me".
Sorry.

There's nothing much to add to this. I had back problems since my early twenties and after C sections and hefting big babies around, my back was very painful. My DH, as gormless around the house as OP's, did make huge effort and did a lot of the physical lifting when he was around. Also we paid for a cleaner to deal with the housework, including the dishes - although we did have a dishwasher.

This is not uncommon OP!!!

I will get disagreed with for this ... but I would just ask him to do the things, every time. I know you shouldn't "have" to ask him, and you are already having conversations about that. But asking him is better than passive aggressively doing everything while simmering with resentment.

I would just say "DP can you give me a hand please". If he says "with what" I'd just say "lunches, washing up, toys, dog, bottles". And do this every night till it becomes a proper habit for him to do it.

Get a dishwasher and cleaner for a start. You've got a seriously bad back by the sounds of it- if he won't step up he can pay for replacements of himself! Doing the stuff he should be doing to help you. At least you spoke up but now it's time to take it one step further. And stop fucking making his lunch. Leave his clothes on the floor.

Stop picking up his clothes, when he runs out of clean stuff he'll start washing it or at least putting it in the basket. Stop making his lunch, tell him he has to do it. Open the door to let the dog out, get the dogs food ready whilst it's outside. Wash up, have a shower and go to to bed xx

It’s harder to be oblivious though when you’re hungry and can’t find any clean boxers.

I'm old school and like you did every bloody thing. It's too late for my life to improve tbh but not for you. If he won't change his ways then just concentrate on your child and yourself. Prioritise the essentials for you and the baby and leave his clothes alone. Kick them in a heap on his side or give him his own laundry basket and let him cope. Wash up what you need and clean up what is strictly necessary for hygiene purposes. Leave the toys. Sit down yourself.
He does him you do you.
Hopefully he'll see what's going on and change his ways otherwise you'll end up hating him, I know this it's not pretty... dont be a doormat.

Some things you have to simply stop doing: washing anything that isn't in the basket, making his lunch. Some things you might need to remind him of: feeding the dog. Some things you can hand to him as his job and help him set up reminders for: bins, making his own lunch.

My back was never the same after having my two children, quite close together. I rue the days I carried my babies on my hip. It eventually 'went' 10 years ago and I have been in pain virtually every day, since. My exH didn't do much to help around the house either, and struggled with practical empathy, albeit he worked all the hours. I wish I'd had better boundaries back then. I blame their mothers a lot of the time, picking up after them and treating them like babies until they leave home. I sincerely hope I've brought my son up differently.

Yes, what does this mean? Do you have no access to family money?

You shouldn't have to and without a doubt your not the only one.

I end up doing questions like do you want to make dinner or do hoovering etc and my partner does housework but doesn't seem to notice things like plates go straight in dishwasher not next to the sink, socks go in the laundry basket, drives me potty especially cleaning up after a toddler too.

Decided to put up a house list task broken down into days. Even if it just helps me stay on track with laundry so if I forget he will always put on towels on a Thursday for example

I would wait until a Friday and put all and I mean all OHs t shirts in the wash. Tell him you could figure out what was clean or dirty so you washed everything. Not washing clothes is less an inconvenience as he will know which items pass the sniff test. Having only wet clothes is much more of a problem!

I was ill after my daughter and at 10 months in I fed me and my daughter and I did the washing my partner did absolutely everything else with asking or complaining. His and my priorities were my health and my daughter's needs and that meant that my partner did his share and most of my share too. I will always be grateful for this. To have the space to heal without being made to feel guilty was the best medicine I could have had.

Money out of his wages to get your hair done? There's another problem.

Why are you making him packed lunch like he is a as little boy?! Just droo that task for starters

Then get him off good phone and tell him to do the stuff

He is not a great guy, what makes you think he is great guy? Why is the bar so low for men to be considered "great"

I just get pissed off with the obliviousness to certain things like the dog needing food, or a wee or a walk or picking clothes up from the floor, putting towels up to dry or in laundry bin if needed

You just need to communicate this. It's not a difficult solution to say "I've noticed you don't feed the dog when he's whining for food and you can see I'm doing something" or "you keep leaving your clothes on the floor". If your partner is a keeper, they will listen and take it on board. If they don't, then you know they don't care about working in a partnership with you and you have your answer. We can all be lazy and not "see" what needs doing sometimes especially if it's tasks the other partner has always done so I think suggestions to LTB are a bit quick if you haven't actually communicated that you want to reassign the load.

I'm in no position to diagnose, but I would consider whether inattentive ADHD is a possibility in your situation - I think that's a bit different from the common or garden "household and kids are women's work" misogynist thinking seen in the rest of this thread.

Great explanation! I've not seen this before but it sums it up really well.

He is not oblivious.

He knows full well what he is doing.

He thinks housework, childcare, making his packed lunch are “wife work”

He is just lazy and can’t be arsed. He knows that if he goes on his phone and acts oblivious that you will do everything.

Do you want to be in a relationship where one partner is happy to be lazy while his partner with a baby and a bad back suffers?

This cartoon from The Guardian sums it up perfectly for me and most of the women I know (who are in relationships and have children).