DH just seems completely oblivious to everything

I cook & tidy as it's faster every evening. I don't have the patience watching DH dithering about. Gives me the rage.

And here we have another husband who has successfully used weaponised incompetence.

DH asked yesterday why I couldn't just make his packed lunch up for work. I said he can make it himself. I've enough to be getting on with. Just say it like it is.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this, and that previous conversations have not resulted in long term changes in his behaviour.

I love the Emma article that was linked to, but the article that springs to mind for me is this one:

https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

and this follow up article:
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/would-you-leave-your-spouse-over-dirty-dishes-a-lesson-on-conflict-management/

It’s been written about a lot and it’s written from the husband’s perspective which might help get the message across once and for all, if reinforced with you having the conversation that others have suggested that you really need to spell it out what the consequences of this situation will be, and also you need to change your actions - stop doing everything! Focus on your health and the baby.

He comes across as seeing you as the “little lady at home” giving you money for hair and nails - it’s not a treat that’s his way of saying I want you to look like a certain way for me but I will dress it up as a treat so you don’t notice my inherent sexism and vanity that you only exist to serve me in whatever way I want.

If he wants to change then he will. I think you need to give yourself a timeframe to decide whether you have seen enough to assess if he is showing you enough respect and partnership or is still seeing you as the little woman so he does enough for a short time and then reverts back. It gives you the time to prepare practically and otherwise if you do decide to separate.

I was saying to someone the other day that the best example I see of a house that works are both db and dbils. We were always making faces that they discussed so much (ten minute conversation about washing machine settings once) but as we had more kids we realised it really works
Ds: I’m about to feed the baby can you let the dog out?
dbil: great yes, then I’m going to move x, can you do y when you’re finished with the baby?
tbh there were times I was thinking oh god please just do it and stop proclaiming what you’re about to do, but their stuff gets done, their house is slick and span even though both work crazy hours (nurses and healthcare professionals) and their kids are on the same wavelength too. If the dog needs to be let out don’t ask can you, say ‘if you fill the water bowl and let the dog out I’ll feed the baby. And repeat (I won’t say it always works around here but it does work a bit)

Stop behaving like his mother and he will stop behaving like a child. he picks his own smelly clothes up and puts them in the wash basket surely, he is a grown man. He can make his own lunch. sit down with him and list the tasks then ask him which half he is going to do and you will do the other half. seriously these men behave like this because women enable them by just doing it. stop.

@LamonicBibber1
Reading your list made me feel SO GOOD about leaving my ex husband, all of the mess and thoughtless stress created by him went with him. All my resentment melted away because I'm in charge now and it's all on me, no lazy useless disrespectful imitation of an adult dragging me down.

I didn't even get to the end of the OP and I felt this.

It's weaponised incompetence OP. Start doing less and just look after you and baby for now, leave him to make his own lunches. FFS he's an adult.

Set up reminders on his mobile phone.

DH empty bin 5pm
DH walk dog 5.30pm
DH unload dishwasher 6pm etc.

As for the cooking thing. I cook & tidy as it's faster every evening. I don't have the patience watching DH dithering about. Gives me the rage.

Why would you make his lunch for him in the first place? I’d find that so embarrassing if my partner always made my lunch for me, a one off is a nice gesture but all the time? I’m not a child!

Same for laundry, make him do his own. if you hate it on the floor dump it in a laundry basket and just wash yours/babies.

buy a dishwasher or tell him to do the washing up on days he cooks and you wash up when you cook. You are not a slave

Why are you letting it happen?

It's not nice having to bluntly tell people you love they aren't pulling their weight but I do it regularly. If they say I'm nagging I tell them to stop taking the piss and I'll stop nagging and that I won't put up with it, if they don't like it I refuse to live like that and they can make of that what they wish.
Constant battle, yes, but will I crack on and not say anything, hell, no! Why would I let someone treat me like that?

His laundry and his lunch-prep stops today if you have any self-respect.

I see you have gone into ‘but he is a lovely man/perfect dad’ mode now as posters often do.

A decent human doesn’t sit there on their phone whilst someone runs themselves ragged around them. Never mind a good spouse.

Stop behaving like his mother

Sit down with pen and paper and share out jobs make expectation clear , I.e no clothes left on side of bed , feed dog at 6 on the dot

He can sort out his own washing and laundry and lunches

🤦🏻‍♀️ no one gets rid of their dog for any of these reasons. Are you ok?

It's exhausting OP. Honestly think about what life will look like in 12 months/3 years/10 years.
This is how it started with 'D'H. Now DD is 4. I earn more than him, work more hours, generally in office whilst he wfh and do 85-90% of the child/house related stuff. I'm actively making plans for us to have separated by this time next year. It is death by a thousand cuts. Things have been slightly improved (less than a week so I don't anticipate this will last) but I it's too late now. I needed that 'help' the last 4 years and frankly it isn't help when it's your child and your house.

Oh agreed TBH. Although I do have one in my office at the moment, but that’s being dealt with! 😂

It was just an example of how we all have to collaborate and communicate though, really, in life. It isn’t necessarily about a person being ‘in charge’ it’s about divvying up the work to work together and, to a degree, someone has to start those conversations so everyone is on the same page or it doesn’t run effectively.

He’s not oblivious he just ignores the things he cba to do. Wise up.

Hi
Just about the back pain - did you have a c section? I had awful back pain after a c section and have done a ton of work to strengthen abs / tummy muscles and core and it has helped my back pain SO MUCH.
If you haven't already looked into a physio for helping you to strengthen your abs then I deffo recommend it.
Basically because the abs were cut, the back was taking all the strain.
Best of luck x

If my colleagues spent their time scrolling on their phones as default mode unless I were dishing out the motivationally worded instructions, I'd very quickly find it wearing. Same for my DP.

See I don’t find it wearing. To me I guess it’s no different to collaborating with my colleagues over how we get the workload done in a day.

You're making his lunches?

And why do you care if his clothes pile up and don't get washed?

He's not oblivious. But he doesn't seem to think housework is his department.

He acts like a teenager because you allow it. Why are you making his lunch, why are you picking his clothes up, you are not his mum so stop acting like it. Sit down and tell him he has to pull his weight.

That’s the thing, though, having to do that all the time is wearing - it puts the woman ‘in charge’ with them just waiting to be told what to do

I bet he doesn’t forget to feed himself or pour himself a drink when he is hungry or thirsty, or forget where the toilet is when he needs a wee.

If he remembers for himself he isn’t oblivious, he just doesn’t care if others have to pick up the slack or suffer.

My DH actually works longer hours than me, so I do pick up the washing and cooking in the main but then he cuts the grass and does the DIY 🤷🏻‍♀️, however, conversation at the weekend went ‘are you dusting upstairs whilst I deal with downstairs then I will clean the bathrooms if you hoover, yes?’ And off he went and did it.

He also knows I have no time for feigned incompetence, I was clear about that before he moved in… you do a job badly you’ll need to do it again to learn to do it properly was my motto.

This is our life, it ticks along well!

So my suggestion when you find him sitting on his ass would be ‘Right, I am heading up to put baby to bed, I can see you are free to feed the dog then let him out if I leave that with you’ or ‘I am bathing baby, could I leave you with the washing up, yes?’

Always lead with the ‘this is going to happen’ wording.

Someone who can't meet the basic needs of his child without someone telling them what to do is not a good Dad

Why is the bar for men to fucking low yet so fucking high for women?

Brilliant.
Also the sex - wouldn't happen in a million years
with this one.
🤢