Not wanting my older children to constantly ask to hold the baby

My 15, 13 year &8 yr old love their 3 year old sister and carry her around,play with her always have, I breastfed all my children I suggest letting him baby wear her she will sleep on him then and you will get a break, I did with my older 2 but my then 5 year old just held her all the time too , was easier to do things and still is because they adore her , my 15 year old and 13 year old take her to the park and on walks to the corner shop etc it's the same with their she's like a celebrity to them it's great except for the fact I fear she may eventually be spoilt 🤣, I feel this may be hormones it's hard after having a baby but honestly encouraging a bond with be the best thing you ever do x

They are being a nuisance if the mother feels they are being a nuisance.

They are stressing her and waking the baby she has worked to settle. When the baby settles and she can finally get up, go to the loo, make herself a cuppa, she has to go back and settle the baby again because kids who are old enough to read the room think it's all a game.

The OP needs to put them all to work - they should be doing laundry, hoovering, doing the washing up, unloading the dishwasher, cleaning their rooms, making their beds, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the bin, and more.

They clearly don't have enough to occupy them if they're hanging around fighting over who gets to hold the baby.

I'd be having stern words with the oldest two. They are too old to be so self-centered and unhelpful.

You don't "engage with" a baby who is five or six days old. You meet their needs. They need to eat, sleep, burp, and feel snug and secure. They don't need to be poked or stroked or handed around or cooed at until they get overstimulated and cry.

I was never expected or asked to do any of it either, I wanted to and freely chose to.

I think if the OP has teenagers who want to be involved, she should be careful not to seem like she is shutting them out. She would need time to shower and so on, and they could help then.

I agree “at their own pace and with support” not something that should be expected of them just because they reach a certain age. I am from a big family myself and all of the things you did, I was never expected/asked to do.

Back to the OP, I agree children should be allowed to get involved but surely when the newborn is only 5days old it is down to the parent to decide how much?

Part of being a child is learning how to do grown up things, at their own pace and with support. If the children are wanting to be involved then they should be allowed to help as far as they are able.

I gave my sister her first ever bath. I changed nappies, I made up formula. When she started school I did the home reading with her. I resent or regret none of it, it was my choice. We are very close now as adults.

My older children don’t help me care/parent my newborn. My pre-teen has never changed a nappy (I know you didn’t suggest this but other posters have) and unless he actively wanted to then this isn’t something I’d encourage. He is not the parent. My older children may fetch a nappy, play with LO, hold them for a little while (if they want to) etc but all of the caring/parenting is done me and DH. My older children are allowed to be children.

Infact Most people I know who helped basically raise their younger siblings resented it.

A voice of reason!!

who could argue with this common sense,??

@GotMooMilk

what about OP’s needs?
do they not count
She sounds exhausted
holding the baby is ok, but the kids are actively disturbing the baby and disrupting baby’s sleep in order to elicit a response, and then op is having to work to settle baby again. How exactly is that ok? Surely a 14 year old is more than capable enough to know that’s not ok

look at any other mammal and they tend to get very annoyed if you come anywhere near their newborns

Any other mammal will also eat their newborns under certain circumstances, so let's not use hold them up as a some sort of comparison.

I am sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. I breastfed and wouldn’t dream of not letting siblings hold the baby. It does however sound to me as though you are finding the transition challenging and I wonder if you might allow your children to help support a little along with your partner if they are there or family or friends. They aren’t trying to be a nuisance, they are trying to engage with their new sibling and, if it were me, I would be keen to support that.

Agree.

I also have five DCs.

There's plenty of time for everyone to get to know and love the baby. And they will - no child needs to "bond" with their newborn sibling at five days or all is lost.

At five days post partum, all the OP needs - and sorry, but her needs are all that matters here - is a chance to let the baby settle and sleep, and not to have to play bloody referee among kids who are too old for the malarkey she is describing.

The older children are seriously stressing the OP here, and she needs to put her foot down.

Why can't they hold her whilst she is asleep and have a cuddle and a chance to bond with their new little sister?

TBH - it does sound to me a bit odd that you dont want your children to hold your 4th child. What happened with the other 3 and holding etc? Are you ok with other people holding her?

Hope you are ok, sending lots of love and strength to you xx

Why will the baby be scared of being held by a gentle family member? I have 3 children, 5 grandchildren and a great grandchild and I have never heard such a silly comment about a baby!

I agree with this. Let them understand helping, also means the cleaning, tidying, chores. Surely you wash? Have a bath- let them deal with baby. I get why you are nervous, but unless there’s more to this, the other children are too rough/you don’t trust them. I can’t see the harm.

It shouldn’t be whenever it suits the children though, you get to choose.

Completely agree, many of the responses here are complete rubbish and actually quite nasty. It’s a perfectly normal response to not want everyone to handle your newborn, look at any other mammal and they tend to get very annoyed if you come anywhere near their newborns. I’m also a mum of 5 so have been through introducing siblings enough times. There is no need for older kids to be so involved in caring for the newborn, they will have their own children one day and get to experience that. By all means you appreciate their interest right from the pregnancy, nurture the bond and reassure them of your love for them, of course but it’s not their right to hold baby whenever they like. I personally don’t think it’s healthy to be giving them the impression their wanting to hold the baby is more important than anything else, setting these boundaries (sensitively) has never been an issue for my children. It’s about teaching them the new sibling is an individual and not just there for their fulfilment. I’ve never had them changing nappies etc or talked negatively about baby (e.g. saying babies smelly etc as see in some books to try and make it seem like baby isn’t perfect) Funnily enough they have still developed the most beautiful caring and close relationships with each other. I’ve even heard people who were very involved in their siblings care as a baby say it took some of the wonder from their experience when they became parents as they had already done all that

actually someone commented on page 4… “you’re a horrible mother” someone else mentioned the same comment I was referring to.

It has since been deleted by mumsnet.

My point is unless you currently have a newborn you are out of the fog and quickly forget how stressful it is. I still think a lot of the comments aren’t constructive advice and are a little bit mum bashing.

”You should be grateful”

”Do you even like your other children”

”The golden child has arrived”

Someone even went as far as to say why I don’t get why you would have a 4 child… like wtf. Should she put her back?

How is this helpful to a new mum? Who is clearly sleep deprived?

I am all for a gentle reminder, but I am totally against keyboard warriors.

Well if they aren't able to bond with their new sibling she will be unsettled. . My DS was 6 weeks before his 3rd birthday when DD was born he held her and kissed her (not on the lips might I add) multiple times a day. He also used to sit with me while I breastfeed fed and read him book after book. So he had that bonding time he might not have had if he was older.

You sound tired and frustrated..which is normal: you have a newborn. But I think you need to change your expectations. You are used to having babies when your other children werep toddlers or very small children, but this time it’s different. This baby is the 4th, born into a family where there are 3 older siblings, all (except maybe the 8yo) capable of caring for her, even if she is BF. I think you should allow the older ones to look after her a bit! Teach them, or let them develop techniques for settling her sometimes. I have the same ages as you but a couple of years down the line and I bf for a v long time. My children were great with their baby, rocking her, playing with her, calming her down.

I think it's amazing that you've got a teenager who is so thrilled at becoming a big brother again. Channel their enthusiasm so the siblings learn to soothe and settle baby when she cries. They also need to learn to let sleeping babies sleep. How much are they helping in general to do things like making you a brew / snack, putting a wash on etc. Frame it as helping their new sister :-)
Also, you're just home and trying to get into a routine with your new baby. And sleep deprived. Probably sore and everything too. Give yourself grace to be a bit grumpy and to need time to rest and sleep.

This, your older kids can learn to settle the baby and change nappies.

It’s better for you that baby learns to settle with someone who doesn’t smell of milk and have breasts.

Are you still with your baby’s father? Because he / his family needs to be there to support you, you have just given birth and need time to rest. It’s ridiculous that you seem to be doing everything alone, no wonder you are exhausted.

YABU let them hold their sister. How would you feel if they lose interest because you’re putting up barriers jt would be such a shame. I get you’re knackered but part of being a mum is putting your kids needs first and prioritising the current children and offering extra attention etc is part of the job when you have a newborn.

I've had a newborn, in fact I've been in both positions. I've been the 10 year old caring for a newborn sibling and then that, then 11 year old, sibling helped care for my newborn.

Most teens and almost teens should be able to figure out how to care for a baby (except for breastfeeding) as well as a first time adult parent. They just need to be given a chance.

Can they not do nappy changes, a bath, hold her while you shower? I was doing all these at 10 with a newborn.

At 12 and 26 I had a baby brothers who were breast fed and who I learnt to burp and settle - just teach him how to do it and be gentle etc, use the opportunity to educate him on neck posture, on winding and why important and even how to change her all with supervision. Its lovely he wants to to be honest. Its no wonder parents today are inexperienced and lacking with childcare

I was 9 when my younger brother was born, I remember being the proud big sister showing him off at school at a few days old, I probably prodded and poked him and woke him up just so I could hold him. He was the most loved baby, he had 3 much older siblings who looked after him and took him places. Those bonds in the 1st few days built great sibling relationships.

I'm still the proud big sister but he's now 6ft4 and towers over me.