Not wanting kids out of laziness?

You've thought about it and come to this conclusion so of course it's right for you. It isn't a prerequisite to have children, many of my friends don't and certainly have more freedom and control over their lives and what they want to do. Xx

I had a baby with a man with grown up kids (and who now have a kid themselves) and they babysit for me. It cuts both ways.

Not always. My dad is a grandad does a lot more than my mum.

And this is the reason i would never date a man with kids even if the kids are grown up. Because grandparents (but come on we all know it means the grandmothers) are being increasingly expected to do childcare so a step grandmother could easily find herself in a situation where she is doing regular childcare for her partners grandkids

My perception is that some do get it back and some don’t. Some people are paying for uni/supporting young adults still living at home. Some people get tied down/wrapped up in grandchild care. Some people have simply got out of that mindset of wanting to travel etc and never get it back.

I don't think this is laziness at all. I have two children and they are adults now/nearly adult anyway. And the world is a different place than it was when I had them. The UK was not like it is now. I find myself sorry (not for having them but) that this country is where they come from, and just about every single thing is harder for them that it was for us at the same age. It's harder than it would have been two decades ago.

Being a parent is hard, a lot of the time, or some of the time. Money, childcare, extended family are all things to negotiate. As someone else said, the nuclear family has done for parenting. If people have a great parents still in good health and willing to help, that's amazing - I have friends who have this and god what a difference it makes. We struggled but got by with nursery care, but I don't think we could do it now, financially.

Now I can travel a bit, work more, and do basically what I want; and I adore my kids and we get on, but at the same time, they still live with us, won't go too far away to study because of financial reasons. Part of me would love to be an empty nester, at least in term time. I worry that their independence is at risk (the pandemic didn't help them spread their wings). I look at online dating stories and think, who the fuck wants that to be how they meet people, what a disaster for their generation. I just feel so sorry for them (I don't tell them this though).

I feel very old writing this but I think if you are in a position to make the decision not to have kids (because you don't necessarily want them! and your partner ditto!) then go for it. You have every right to do that. I don't think this country has a brilliant future ahead and I feel sorry I've kind of inflicted it on my own children, if that makes sense.

And when they are grown most people are at least 50-60. Perceptions and attitudes change. Of course parents still go to these things. But the circumstances do change.

My Dc are grown so I am back to going to museums, restaurants and travelling. You do eventually get that back.

100% this.

My male cousin said that him and his wife grew bored/were unfulfilled with living inner city going to museums, art galleries, restaurants, traveling to wineries on the weekends, so they just decided to have a baby.

Well they were right about something- they won't have a spare minute to be bored, but much of it is very repetitive.

ETA- I love being a Mum.

Op, give yourself time. You will know.

😬 I can safely say life with children is extremely repetitive. Far, far more repetitive than what you describe here. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, I like seeing my DC enjoy themselves and the majority of kids thrive on routine/predictability…so football, gymnastics, seeing grandparents and going to the local park makes up 95% of our weekends. The height of excitement is a birthday party somewhere we haven’t been before 😂 It’s fine, overall this is a short phase of life and I am happy to do it for my DC. But it certainly is extremely repetitive and lacking in much ‘selfish’ enjoyment for myself.

This.
I felt similarly to you and I made myself less scared by thinking of all the childcare I would use, I’d be “that sort of mum”, a bit glamorous and adored but busy with my own life.
Then I became a parent and discovered that, er, I was a parent! Sorry it sounds so basic but that’s the only way I can describe it.
Now I have two and I absolutely love it. Deeply meaningful and challenging every day in good ways. I am so proud of having done it and having grown into being a parent.

Not for everyone. Many people don't have children for reasons not related to the network or support they have. Some people simply have zero interest in having children.

But the way we bring up children isn't biology. We evolved to parent communally. The nuclear family with it's heavy responsibilities and personal restrictions is the problem.

Why being defensive? In my post I said there are clear downsides of having children. We are not here to convince the OP either way but to give her a variety of views based on personal experiences, good and bad.

For me, there's energy and dynamism that new generations provide. I love living in a busy household with bright young people discovering the world. We have lots of fun doing things together. I was not very sporty but got into some sports with one of my children. Another one's interests drew the whole family in. I just wouldn't do some things without them.

I also think about how my mum and dad would have never traveled much beyond their country were it not for me leaving to get education etc. I think I changed their life in some positive ways.

So what I am saying is that children are exhausting and expensive and huge worry but also (that's my experience) enrich parents' lives.

It is, I think, sad that it's hard to manage career and children. As I mentioned, I could maintain my career if it weren't for great support network. We actually decided not to move/look for a bigger house because we get so much out it.

No it isn’t laziness. Not wanting to spend your life in servitude is NOT laziness.

Don’t have kids and dodge that massive bullet. You’re welcome.

I think it is great that more and more women are choosing to prioritise their own mental health and happiness over following the path biology and nature had planned for them. I dont see it as lazy or selfish at all to want a different life than the one that is seen as the norm.

And he prefers his dad who does very little so I feel I'm fighting a losing battle trying to make him a nice kid.

I dont blame you. I find parenting very demanding and I have 1 easy child. Was single parent for 3 years though. Never again.

Whatever your reason is justified. We don't want kids as we are also quite lazy, we love our disposable income and the life we have. We are not prepared to make the sacrifices needed to have children. I say that as someone who thought they would 100% have children when I was younger. We're now both well into our 40s and are absolutely loving the life we have.

It doesn't matter what your reason is - don't have kids because it's expected if you don't want to.

As they grow, the way I live is changing.

And as I age, the way I live is changing. You don't stay in a state of stasis from 18 to 90. Life changes.

We've relocated, made new friends, taken up new hobbies, I did a sideways move in my career, DH retrained into something radically different and now our life has a very different shape to it than it did a decade ago.

Whereas some friends I know with kids, especially those living in their home towns and doing an easy job that fits around family life, seem to have experienced very little change and personal growth.

Yes this is what I was thinking.
When I ask my workmates with kids how they spent the weekend, they've always taken the kids to their regular weekly activities, gone to the park to get them out of the house, done a few chores etc.
Meanwhile, I'm embarrassed to say "oh we didn't get up to much, we just spent Saturday mountain biking and then on Sunday we met up with some friends and went for lunch and then we spent the afternoon tackling a big project on our house etc" because it's always SO much more varied than anything they've done.

@KimberleyClark It wasn't written for anyone to understand, it's my experience which will be different to yours and everyone else's.

I felt very much like the OP at 30, but the older I got the less fulfilled I felt by that life. Other people will remain entirely fulfilled and engaged with a childfree life path. You have, the OP might, or might not. I didn't. Others on this thread didn't. Others never considered a childfree life at all. Nobody here is wrong in how they feel or felt.

Ps.. I haven't once said I was bored. Unfulfilled and bored are not the same thing.

I don’t quite understand this. I’ve had 34 years of life without children with my DH. Life has been hard at times, especially when we were struggling ttc, but never repetitive or mundane. In any case having children because you’re bored doesn’t seem like a fantastic idea to me. But we’re all different.